Wonderless
by YesImAwkward
Summary: When Kellin said he wanted a change in his life, he didn't mean he wanted his house to burn down and to lose both of his parents. Even after all of his friends get taken away from him and he's sure his life can't get any more miserable, another change comes along, a good one- a shy boy named Vic who could definitely relate to him, if only he'd just come out of his shell to do so...
1. Chapter 1

"It's going to be okay, Kellin."

That phrase was so over-used by now that it floated past me without any meaning.

How could things be okay? What did okay even mean anymore? How much more shit would I have to go through before god entitled me at least one positive event to make my life even _seem_ okay?

Throughout everything I had ever been through, that seemed to be the only thing people would say to me. It wasn't fully reassuring, but it wasn't exactly a put-down, either. It's just the simple statement that people would blurt out when they weren't sure how to explain to you that, in fact, things _weren't_ going to be okay.

When I was younger and naïve and I would run to my mother for comforting, she would tell me things would be okay when I would get a scrape or bruise from being senseless.

In the few relationships that I had been in, my angst and hormones had gotten the best of me, and resulted in break-ups that seemed to have little contrast to the end of the world; but there was always that one-liner that had me latching on to false hope.

The time my house caught fire, watching my home, my belongings, everything I owned engulfed in flames and burning until it all shriveled up and collapsed on the ground, the firefighters had told me that it was okay, despite the fact that I had been the one who had accidentally caused it.

After my father had left my mother and me, saying that he couldn't deal with me anymore because I was such a fuck up, the therapist I had been forced into would falsely assure me that everything was going to be alright.

When my mother had taken her own life when she decided that she couldn't handle supporting me on her own anymore, all that her suicide note had said, was that it was going to be okay.

Even when Child Services came to haul me away on the same dreary day as my mother's death, they had the fucking nerve to tell me that things would be okay, that everything would work out, even though I was now dubbed a pathetic, homeless orphan.

And now the same dull, meaningless blatant lie was back again, voiced from the only caretaker in the orphanage who had put up with me for the 3 years I had been there.

_It was going to be okay. _

But was it really?

"Come on Kellin, you've got to eat something." Lucy sighed, obviously irritated with me that I was yet again making her repeat the same process dinner brought on every night.

I hated myself for doing this to her, but I couldn't eat. Not when I was here, alone in this hell hole, because of my own doings. Someone who burned their own house down and drove their father away from them and ultimately caused their mother's death, isn't worthy of food. I shrugged further away from her on the windowsill I was sitting on, and pressed my forehead to the grimy, unwashed glass.

Lucy let out another sigh and set the tray of food down next to me, leaving with the sound of her clicking heels in the otherwise painfully quiet room.

It was terrible that she lied to me all the time; I knew things weren't going to be okay. How could they be?

My gaze stayed on the window for countless hours; I just wished I could end it all.

Sometimes I pondered on the thought that maybe I should show some gratitude for having the privilege of at least having a roof over my head, but I hated that I was dragged into the orphanage. No one would ever want to adopt me. Why put me in here? So I could watch every couple looking for a child, come in and out, just praying and hoping that I would catch their eye, before they left with another much more pleasant kid? Yeah, I wasn't exactly thankful for being let down time and time again.

I didn't blame them, though.

I didn't know how to control my emotions, my whole life was off-balance, and I always fucked everything up. Not to mention, I was the fucking ugliest being on the planet. There were no positive outcomes to putting me into your family, no matter who you were.

I just absolutely hated myself, and I knew everyone else felt the same way. Had it not been for the orphanage's no weapon rule, I would have ended it a long time ago.

With a disgusted look towards the sickly-colored soup sitting next to me, I stood from my familiar spot in front of the window and moved to my bed in the middle of the room. I lay down and threw my arms over my eyes, ready for the cold, dreamless sleep that I was so used to.

I just felt so _alone, _and there was nothing I could do about it. It didn't really help that I was the only teenager in the whole place.

The infants and toddlers were in the nursery in the front; that's where nearly every adopter went to claim their new child. The 5-10 year olds all shared a room together, while the next group of kids resided in the room next to mine. Then there was me. The next age group started at 17, and I was the only one in it. My room was filled with other beds, but no one else ever came to use them.

It was the same thing every day; I stayed in my room, staring out the window or angrily pacing around, until I decided I had enough loneliness for the day and slid into bed to go to sleep. It was terribly dull and always quiet, save for the whines of the other kids from outside in the rec room or the routine arguments I had with Lucy about eating.

It hadn't always been this bad, though. At first, it was almost tolerable.

There were a few other kids in the teen room with me. But over the course of 3 years, every friend I had managed to make got taken away from me, like everyone else in my life. It was painful enough to watch my only friends leave, but what made it even worse, was the thought that I could be in their place. I could've been one of the adoptees at a warm, welcoming home with a nice new family, receiving the love and care that I desperately needed. But I was the one left alone, because like I said, who would want to adopt me?

A lone tear slipped down my cheek, and I angrily cursed myself under my breath for being such a pathetic crybaby.

"You're such a fuck up, Kellin. Get your shit together."

With a weak, piteous sob, I rolled over to go to sleep, praying that somehow I would die in my sleep. Because really, I didn't want to be around anymore, and I could see no one else wanted me here, either. I didn't blame them, though. Who would want the biggest screw up in the world to see another day?

"Kellin," a shrill voice called out to me.

I shifted slightly before shielding the sound with a sheet over my head, and burrowed further into my bed.

"Kellin" the same voice said again, a bit more forceful this time.

I groaned and squirmed away from the person speaking so close to my ear. Couldn't she tell I wanted to sleep?

Lucy let out a frustrated sigh, before pulling the sheet from over me and off the bed completely. Being without a shirt, the morning cold nipped at my bare chest straight away, and I finally sat up with a sound that was a mix of a groan and a whimper.

"What?" I whined with the hanging of my head, irked that I had been so recklessly disturbed from my somewhat peaceful slumber. Why was she even bothering? She knew I wasn't having a go at breakfast and she always let me sleep in and wake up on my own.

I heard her scoff. "I think you might want to greet your new roommate with a bit more of a positive attitude, Quinn." she remarked, and I could hear the tapping of her foot; an annoying habit she had developed when she was impatient.

Wait, did she just call me Quinn? Oh, shit. Lucy only called me by my last name when she meant business, and she sounded more peeved at me than usual.

Then it hit me; _roommate?_

I couldn't help but snort in reply. I knew I was dreaming now, there was no way another teenager got stuck in here with me, it seemed too good to be true.

"Roommate?" I replied, matching her scoff, rubbing my eyes that were still adjusting to the light in the room. This had to be a joke.

"Yes, Kellin, _roommate." _She replied in a tone mocking my own. I smirked and raised my head, but immediately the smug smile fell.

My eyes fell upon a beautifully tan boy, with wispy brown hair longer than my own, hiding behind the caretaker beside him. He looked extremely awkward and stared at me with wide, brown eyes, looking quite shy and somewhat scared. As soon as he registered that I was staring at him, his eyes broke away from mine, looking like he felt sad and out of place.

"So, Kellin, this is Vic, he's 17, like you, and you'll be sharing a room together from now on. Got it?" Lucy rushed; completely satisfied with the surprised expression I was wearing that replaced my usual grimace.

I had no idea what to say. This, _this, _was my new roommate? The person I would be seeing everyday for as long as he had before he got adopted? This ridiculously adorable, incredibly cute and insanely attractive boy, was the person I would be sharing a room with and talking to?

In my eyes, he looked like utter perfection; not a single flaw could be seen, and I didn't know if I would be able to deal with him. But he didn't need to know that.

"Cool." I retorted simply, slipping out of bed and making my way to the bathroom. As soon as I locked myself in, a rush of an unknown feeling came over me. I stared into the mirror, trying to collect my thoughts.

"_Roommate?" _I hissed at my reflection. I was so used to solitude by now, I didn't know if I could even make a friend again, let alone with someone that looked like _that._ I groaned and slammed my head to the mirror.

This was not going to end very well on my part.


	2. Chapter 2

I'm not sure how long I stayed in there, leaning on the bathroom mirror, occasionally banging my head against it and trying to knock some sense into myself, but it couldn't have been very long because eventually I heard a very annoyed Lucy storming around and asking kids if they had seen me.

"Joshy, do you know where Kellin went?" I heard her grumble from outside the door.

Joshy, I know that kid. He's 7 or something, I think. I kind of liked him.

"Uh, yeah he's in the bathroom" he replied quickly, his lisp making him sound even more afraid than he already was. I knew Lucy could be pretty scary when she's pissed off or looking for something she can't find, so I felt a bit sorry for the little guy.

A split second later, I realized that Joshy wasn't so innocent after all; he had just ratted me out. I then decided that Joshy was added to the list of people I don't like. Stupid kid.

My thoughts were interrupted by Lucy pounding on the worn out door to the bathroom. "What the fu-heck, Kellin, get out here!" she snapped. I smirked at how she had to hold back on cursing in front of the little ones.

After a few seconds of quiet, she continued banging on the door. "Kellin, I'm not kidding, I know you're just hiding from Vic, come out here and try to be _social_ for once!" she yelled.

Wow, that kind of hurt. I mean, it was obvious that she knew I was a loner, she saw me sitting by myself every day, never talking to anyone, but she had never straight up called me anti-social. It actually kind of mad me a bit mad. Now I was definitely not coming out.

There was more silence while she waited for my response that we both knew wasn't coming. I heard her sigh, like she did all too much, but this time, she sounded angry.

"Quinn," she started, her voice incredibly close to the door now, in a deep, low tone that only I could hear. "If you don't get your ass out here now, you're going to be changing diapers for the next month, and you'll be sleeping in the 5 year old room. Now get. Out.

There she goes with Quinn again; I guess she's being for real this time. I groaned and unlocked the door, throwing it open and slipping past Lucy and walking into my room again. I tried my best to not glance at Vic in the farthest corner of the room, but it was a bit difficult. Knees pulled in, tucked into his chest, curled up helplessly on the bed, looking honestly miserable and terrified, yet adorable; it was hard not to sneak a peek.

Lucy barged in a moment later though, and I prepared myself for chastise. We were never supposed to lock the bathroom door; it had stalls for that. She opened her mouth to speak, but stopped once she noticed Vic and his timid demeanor huddled on his bed. She shot him a sympathetic look, and was about to say something to him, but she stopped again, and her lips curved into a smirk.

I looked between her and Vic; whatever she had in mind could not play out well for me.

"Kellin, I want you to show Vic around, or talk to him or something. You remember what it was like when you first came here? It was kind of unnerving, right?" she asked, trying to seem sweet around Vic.

"Yeah, but that was when I was 14" I shot back, trying to seem uninterested. The thing I wanted to do most was just _hug_ the cowering teen in the corner, talk to him and let him know that it could be a little intimidating, but things were going to be okay. But it was also the last thing I wanted to do; I didn't want him to gain hope from the same lie I was trapped in.

"Kellin." She scolded sternly, jerking her head towards me so I could get a good look at her death glare.

Shit. That was her, "You're going to do what I say whether you like it or not," face.

"_Fine_." I groaned, and stood up, motioning for Vic to follow me as I lead the way out of the room. Lucy gave me a sweet smile as I passed by her, mocking me with her power. I rolled my eyes and continued on my way out, dreading spending some alone time with the gorgeous human being trailing behind me.

_Here we go._

I guided Vic down the corridor of the old building, through the rec room and out the back door. Outside there was a small grassy area surrounded by a chain link fence where the kids were allowed to play during free time, but barely anyone ever came out here because there was nothing to do. All of the toys and games were inside, so I could see why they preferred the rec room to the sad excuse of a play area outside.

When the other teenagers were here, we all spent quite a lot of time outside, but not in the dirty little play pen filled with sand. The fence was only big enough to make the thought of climbing over it scary for the younger kids, but a 17 year old could cross over it with no problem. I swiftly hauled myself over the fence, and reached a hand out to Vic on the other side. He stared at me, eyes blown wide, hesitant and looking like he was scared of getting caught. I rolled my eyes and waved my hand around, trying to convince him to climb over. "It's fine, the fence is only for the little kids. Come on." I urged, stretching my arm out farther. He bit his lip before gently placing his hand in mind and using my support to get over the fence. "Nice job" I grinned at him, and continued to direct him to our destination.

We made our way into the small cluster of woods that wasn't far from the building, and I finally stopped at a large tree surrounded by grass. I slid down the trunk and looked up at Vic expectantly. He still looked somewhat coy, so I gave the soil next to me a reassuring pat, silently willing him to sit next to me. He slowly took a slid down the tree as well, and looked even shyer the second he did. I could tell he didn't want to be here; alone, with me. I understood, though. I wouldn't want to be alone with me, either.

He sat with his legs crossed, contrasting to mine which where comfortably spread out in front of me. After a minute or 2 of Vic silently picking away at the grass with his head down, I finally got around to actually speaking to him.

"So, tell me about yourself." I said. God, that sounded stupid. I didn't even know how to start a conversation anymore.

"Um, w-what do you want to know?" he asked. It was the first time I had heard him talk, and good god, he needed to do it more often. He looked up at me from underneath his hair that shielded his eyes, but he quickly returned his gaze back to the forest ground when I smiled softly at him.

_Don't smile at him, Kellin; you're too fucking ugly to show any facial expression._

I shifted on the ground, making a few leaves crunch underneath me. "I don't know… how did you get here?" I asked, deciding to go with the most obvious question first. Vic, however, didn't quite seem to get it.

"Well, you know, the Child Service people or whatever brought me" he mumbled. So, he was a quiet one. I sort of figured.

"No I mean like… you know…" I made a gesture with my hands, trying to get him to see what I meant, but he looked up at me again, confused.

"I-I don't get-"

"How did you lose your parents" I said rather assertively. I didn't mean to cut him off, but I didn't want to keep going back and forth until he finally understood what I was trying to say.

"Oh" was all he said, unfortunately hiding his eyes from me again by hanging his head.

"W-well um, m-my dad died of, um, cancer when I was 12, and uh," he let out an awkward cough. I could tell this was hard for him to talk about. I immediately regretted ever bringing up the topic. "A-and my mom was um, attacked by a shark." He choked out.

"A shark attack? I thought that only happened in movies" I blurted out.

He looked up at me again with sad eyes, and I mentally slapped myself.

_What the actual fuck, Kellin, you don't just say something like that!_

"Sorry, I didn't mean-"

"It's okay. I thought it only happened in movies and stuff too…" he mumbled.

I hated seeing him so sad. A beautiful creature like him should never have to feel any kind of sorrow or pain, ever. It just wasn't right.

"So, a-after that, my brother Mike and I started roaming the streets. I would play guitar and sing to try and get tips and stuff, but I'm no good so we didn't make much money from that. Then one day Mikey brought home this big wad of cash; I was really surprised and I had no idea how he got it, but I was too excited to try and add everything up. I-I should've seen it coming, I should've g-gotten him out of there" he buried his face in his hands and failed terribly at choking back a sob.

I didn't know what to say so I just let him continue.

"The next day, the police found where we had been sleeping, though it wasn't much of a hiding place. The whole town knew us as the neighborhood street rats and they knew where we were. M-Mikey got arrested, that day. H-he had been selling and dealing drugs while I would play my guitar every day and, I-I... I didn't even know. I should've been paying attention to him!" he scolded himself in a whisper.

His head was still in his hands, and I was about to place my hand on his back to show him some sort of comfort, but decided against it once he started up again.

"Mike told them I wasn't involved with the drugs, and after they searched me and asked around a bit they decided they couldn't pin anything on me and that I was innocent. So, t-they asked where our parents were, and the shop owner who had ratted on Mikey told them that we were homeless, and that our parents we dead. I tried to run, but I couldn't. I didn't want to come here without Mike, I-I just…" he was starting to cry now.

_Fuck it, _I thought, and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

"Hey, it's okay, I've been here 3 years, and it's not so bad after a while." I tried to reason with him. Jesus, why couldn't I think of anything better to say?

He sniffed and wiped his face before locking eyes with me. "3 years?" he breathed like it was some incredible unbelievable accomplishment.

"Yeah…" I sighed, but I wasn't thinking about me. I still couldn't believe what he'd been through.

"So, h-how did _you_ get here?" he purred, suddenly completely intrigued by me.

"Child Services, duh" I mocked his ignorance from earlier.

"N-no, I mean-"

"I know what you meant" I replied with a small smile, standing from my place on the ground. As I was brushing the dirt off of my jeans, the bell for chores sounded. I extended my hand to help Vic off of the ground and he took it gratefully, pulling himself off of the grass. He looked disappointed that he didn't get to hear about my "tragedies" and I felt kind of bad for learning his whole life story and not letting him in on a single detail of mine, but there wasn't enough time to talk now.

"Come on, time for chores" I said with a grin, before turning and escorting the way back to the building.

Once we were out of the woods, Vic piped up again.

"So, um, w-what kind of chores are we going to be doing?" he asked in a voice barely above a whisper. He was so shy, it was adorable.

"Well, the teens don't have to do chores. Well, at least I usually don't. The 5-10 year olds have to clean up the rec room, you know, toys and shit, and the 11-16 year old group usually does stuff like laundry or something like that." I answered.

"Why don't you have to do anything?" he questioned, but sounded like he was afraid of the answer, like he thought I would hit him for thinking I was lazy or something.

"Well, the teens used to vacuum the rec room once the other kids were done clearing it up, and we would wash dishes and things like that, but after it got down to about 3 people left including me, they decided we weren't enough of a team to really make a difference, so they let us be." I filled him in.

"So, are we going to have to do chores now?" he asked, still incredibly quiet.

"Mmm, not sure. Maybe, I think, because now that you're here they might want to make you think that they teach discipline and responsibility or something. And if you do chores, then I'll be doing them with you. I don't really know." I answered truthfully. I didn't exactly want to be scrubbing eggs and maple syrup off of the plates from breakfast, but if I was going to be doing it with Vic, I decided I wouldn't really mind.

"Oh… sorry, then" he mumbled. He wasn't really apologizing for making me do chores upon his arrival, was he? It wasn't even his fault! I needed to stop being a moping loser and get off of my ass, anyway.

I grunted in response, not even sure what I meant by it, and climbed back over the fence and offered my hand for him to do the same. He took it with a small smile, but a second later, the smile was dropped as his foot slipped and he fell face first into the dirt on the inside the fence.

"Oh my god, Vic, are you okay?" I asked, not sure of what to do. I got a groan in response.

I heard the door opening, and Lucy walked out a beat later. She stared at us with wide eyes before narrowing them, giving me a stern look.

"Kellin, I thought we agreed last year that you weren't going to beat kids up anymore!" she said, crossing her arms with an exasperated look.

"I didn't hit him, Lucy! He fell!" I retorted, defending myself. How could she think I would ever hit Vic? How could she think _anyone_ could hit Vic?

She threw her hands up, dropping the conversation and rushed over to help Vic up from the ground. We both grabbed one of his arms and hoisted him up until he was on his feet again.

"Goodness, Vic, are you alright?" she asked, sounding a bit concerned.

I quickly scanned him over; nothing but a small split in his lip that wasn't bleeding much at all. "Y-yeah, I'm fine…" he replied, looking down and squirming in our arms until we realized we should both let go of him.

"Are you sure you don't need to rest, sweetheart?" she questioned. There goes Lucy, always looking after the quieter ones.

He nodded his head, which was still facing down towards the ground. I didn't think he was hurt, I just think he was embarrassed. I really wished I could hug him and tell him that it was fine, that I slipped up all the time. But I didn't.

"Alright, good, because you and Kellin are going to be washing dishes, okay?" she said to me more than him. I gave her a questioning look, but let it pass quickly. So, I guess chores _were_ back on my schedule.

He nodded again and finally looked up at Lucy, then to me. There was a bit of an awkward silence before Lucy must've decided that she was done with us.

"Okay then… good. Be done by 12:00, it's half past 11 now, so hurry up" she said, turning to go back inside before she even finished her sentence. She dismissed us with a wave of her hand behind her head, and swiftly strutted inside, her heels starting their obnoxious clicking again once they found the wooden floor.

Vic looked at me. He seemed sort of unsure and still unbelievably bashful. I noticed his lip still had blood on it, so I leaned in closer to brush it away. As I neared towards him, he seemed frightened and began to back away. "I was just going to get the blood off of your lip. But fine, whatever" I said as I turned to head inside as well. When I reached the door, I looked behind me, and he was still just standing there, looking hurt. "Seriously, dude, come on" I tried to get him to move. He finally seemed to snap out of whatever deep thought he was in and headed inside with me, wiping the blood from his lip with the sleeve of his shirt. Did I mention that he always pulls his sleeves down to cover his hands? The cuteness never ends with him, I swear.


	3. Chapter 3

I followed closely behind Kellin, mentally screaming at myself the whole way to the kitchen.

'_God, he was trying to help you, Vic. Why do you have to be so fucking jumpy all the time?'_

I shook my head, partly to try and rid the vicious voice in my head, and partly because I was trying to convince myself to not listen to it. It didn't work.

'_Why can't you just be fucking normal?'_

"I don't know" I said aloud, barely even a whisper, but it caught Kellin's attention. He spun around to face me.

"Did you say something?" he asked. He always looked so intimidating, I never knew if he was being genuine or not.

"N-no" I stammered.

'_God, can you not fucking stutter all the time?'_

We reached the kitchen area, which was slightly smaller than I expected it to be. And messier, at that.

There were boxes of pancake mix that filled most of the counters, the white powder dusting the countertops and the floors. A few mixing bowls and pans were sticky with eggs, while various spoons and whisks and other utensils were scattered around everywhere. It wasn't very well kept, but I could understand how a bunch of hungry kids could make you in too much of a hurry to clean up.

The sink in the back that was filled with a fair amount of dishes was where our work was set out for us. Kellin lead me over to it, giving me a blank stare before shrugging and going to work on scrubbing.

After a few silent minutes, the less-stupid part of my brain told me I should speak again. Hell, what am I talking about? It's all stupid.

"So, you never told me how you um… got here" I said, keeping my eyes trained on the plate I was rinsing. The water was scalding and was ultimately going to burn my hands or something if I didn't turn it down, but the faucet was in front of Kellin, and I didn't want to bother him by reaching for it.

"Oh yeah" he said with a light chuckle, as if it were nothing.

But I thought of it as everything.

'_He's probably laughing because his story is so much worse than yours. You never had problems; you just don't know how to handle normal situations, you stupid idiot.'_

I turned my attention back to Kellin when he started talking again.

"Yeah, well, so, I may or may not have accidentally burned my house down, and that might've made my dad leave me and my mom because he hated me and thought I ruined everything, which I did- still do - and then my mom committed suicide because she hated me, too and didn't like being a single parent and then I came here and lived happily never after, the end." He gushed in one run-on sentence.

My mouth fell open slightly. His parents hated him? How is that even possible? He was so perfect, or at least it seemed.

"Oh" was all I could reply with. What else was I supposed to say, though? Sorry that you're life sucks? Sorry that I bored you with my back-story when you've gone through so much more than me? Sure, we're both parentless, but mine were taken by…uncontrollable causes. His parents were gone because of, well, him.

Then I remembered telling him about Mikey.

"So, did you have any siblings or other family?" I questioned, although I soon realized it was a stupid question.

'_Do you think if he did, he would be here right now, you fucking dumbass?'_

"No, I didn't. It was just me and my parents." He stated calmly, as if the topic didn't bother him at all. "Hey, whoa, your hands are like, red, dude" he remarked. He ran his own hand under the water, but jumped and pulled back almost immediately.

"Shit, dude, that's fucking hot! Doesn't that hurt?" he questioned, looking at me as if I didn't speak English.

I kept my head down and shrugged.

'_Don't you dare say anything, you deserve to get hurt, you deserve this and so much more, just like-'_

The water turned cooler within seconds, a relief on my scorching skin. I looked up at Kellin, dumfounded. Why didn't he just let it burn me?

He rolled his eyes before saying, "Better?" like I was stupid. Well, I was stupid.

I could only nod my head in response. He glanced down again, towards my hands before pulling a face and picking up my arm by my wrist, intending to inspect my hand.

I was quick to pull away though. He looked at my confused, glancing between me and my sleeves before slowly turning back to scrubbing dishes. It didn't surprise me though; people lose interest in my pretty quickly.

I sniffed as we quietly began to wash the rest of the dishes. For the next 20 minutes, things felt ridiculously awkward between us.

'_Look what you did now, faggot. You can't even make a fucking friend because you're so fucking stupid.'_

"I know" I squeaked. It shouldn't have even been audible to the human ear.

"Hmm?" Kellin asked, turning to me again.

"N-nothing." I responded, not looking up.

'_Stop fucking stuttering all the time! Oh, and quit talking to yourself, idiot.'_

After I was done rinsing the final plate and setting it out to dry, Kellin was already out the kitchen doors, probably to find someone more interesting to hang around. I, however, had nowhere to go, so I quickly dropped the towel I was holding and rushed after him to catch up.

I found him in the rec room making his way towards our room, glaring at some little boy along the way. I wasn't sure what the kid did, but it didn't seem very hard to get onto Kellin's bad side.

On the way to our room, he stopped at the bathroom and went inside, and I started to get a little paranoid. What if he's going in there just to avoid me again? What if he's going to stay in there for hours just to get away from me?

'_Shut the fuck up, he can do whatever the fuck he wants. Why would he want to be around you, anyway?'_

I hung my head, realizing that the voice in my head was right, and proceeded to go the room that I had so disrespectfully invaded this morning.

Immediately, I made my way to the bed in the corner, taking my position on it again and crossing my legs, waiting for Kellin to come out of the bathroom. It was sort of- okay, really pathetic that I was following him around like I worshipped him or something, but I wasn't really sure what else to do. I could only hope that my constant lagging behind him didn't bother him.

'_Of course it fucking bothers him! Who would want anyone, especially you to follow them around all day? Why do you think he went in the fucking bathroom, dumbass?'_

I shook my head and rested it in my hands, trying to shake the voice away. I was starting to get those thoughts again, and I needed them out. Looking around for something else to do, I spotted a window with a large enough sill that you could sit in front of it. Why I thought that was a good idea, I wasn't sure. Looking out to the outside world, where people roamed the streets freely with their friends and family wasn't exactly a fun thing to do. But I figured that it beat sulking in the corner, so I got up and made my way over to it, cautiously taking a seat.

I stayed in front of the window for however long it took Kellin to come back out of the bathroom. It could've very well been hours though; I wasn't keeping track of time.

"Yeah, I look out the window a lot, too." I heard Kellin say from behind me, making me jump.

He sat down next to me, and I was grateful for the company, but I was so used to only being around Mike all the time that the thought of a stranger sitting next to me made me a bit nervous. Someone that I didn't even know, that could do anything to me in a matter of seconds without anyone else around to see it. Yeah, I was kind of freaked out.

"Dude, chill, I'm not even touching you." He said in an annoyed tone. He must've noticed my uneasy expression. I couldn't help it though. I hated not knowing what was going on in other people's minds.

The silence that seemed to settle around us all too much was back, and we both stayed staring at the window, watching the few people walking down the streets, some with shopping bags and others with friends at their sides.

I took a couple of glances at Kellin for however long we sat there, and every time I did, he just had this blank look on his face, like he was thinking really hard about something.

Eventually, he turned to me. I looked back at him, confused at his sudden movements. He gave me the same blank stare he was giving the window, before picking up my arm by my wrist. I tried to get out of his grip, but putting up a fight with him seemed like a pretty stupid idea, seeing as he'd most likely win.

"L-let go!" I tried, but he stayed staring at me for a second longer before pulling up the sleeve of my plaid shirt.

Fuck. He wasn't supposed to see what was under there.

His face stayed expressionless, and he lifted up my sleeve more, almost all the way to my shoulder, until it bunched up and wouldn't go any further. I sat there, kind of helpless. I gave up on struggling in his grip, knowing it wasn't going to help. He turned my arm over, now running his eyes over my wrist. He went for my other arm after a little while, and despite my objections, he pulled the sleeve up as far as it would go as well. Eventually, he dropped them both and I pulled back as quickly as I could, pulling my sleeves all the way down over my hands, like usual. I could feel his eyes on me as I hung my head, feeling ashamed.

Countless minutes of silence passed.

"You cut yourself?" he finally said without any emotion in his voice.

I could only nod. No one had ever found out.

"Why?"

I shrugged, at a loss for words. He didn't need to know, anyway.

"When's the last time you did it?"

"Yesterday" I squeaked. God, this was embarrassing.

He stayed quiet for a second, so I took up on the opportunity to speak.

"How did you know?" I questioned in a whisper. I thought I had been keeping my secret fairly well.

"I saw when we were washing dishes. Your sleeve rode up a little." He said simply.

"Oh." I replied, insanely quiet.

There were a few more minutes of silence between us. God, how could I be so stupid? Didn't I know how to hide it by now?

"Are you going to do it again?" he broke my train of thought.

I didn't respond.

"Do you _want_ to do it again?"

I finally raised my head to look at him.

"…Yes."


	4. Chapter 4

Cuts. Lots of them.

I never completely understood self-harm, what it was like, probably because I had never seen it first-hand.

But I had never imagined it would be like this.

His whole _arm_ was filled, forearm, shoulder, wrist, anything he could get at. Not even a sliver of unmarked skin was showing, any spot that wasn't cut was blemished with scars. They were all over, anywhere or way he could do it; vertical, horizontal, criss-cross, you name it. And they were so _deep_, too. I was just hoping, _praying_ that it was only on one arm, but I had to be sure.

My prayers were left unanswered though. His other arm was exactly the same, maybe even worse.

I tried to act like I didn't care; I couldn't be getting attached to another person who was just going to leave me. But honestly, it killed me inside to know that he did that to himself. And the question that was eating me away ever since his sleeve slipped when we were washing dishes, was _why._

Why would someone so flawless put a blade to their own skin? It couldn't have been from his parents, could it? How long had he been keeping it up? Did he do it in other places too?

My mind was racing at a million miles and I just wanted some fucking answers.

But he didn't like me, it was obvious. And why would you tell a person you didn't like the causes of your self-harm?

I completely forgot that he was still sitting right in front of me, and when I finally did snap out of my thoughts, I realized that I was staring at him again, probably looking like I wanted to kill him. He looked scared. He was slowly sliding away from me, looking like he was afraid I was going to hit him or something. I tore my gaze away from him. Why did he always seem so jumpy?

Then I heard him sniff. _Shit_, I had made him cry. What was even going on in the pretty little head of his? Looking over at him again, the sight I saw pretty much broke my heart.

He was now on the farthest side of the windowsill, backed against the wall, knees tucked into his chest while his head was down, resting on top of them. His arms were wrapped so tightly around his legs that I thought they were going to break off.

Fuck. How was I supposed to deal with a broken, self-harming teenage orphan that was huddled in a corner, trying to get away from me?

"I'm sorry." Was all I could think of to say.

He didn't move.

I took that as my cue to leave. I didn't even have an idea of why he was crying, but I knew sitting there staring at him like a creep wasn't going to help calm him down.

As I walked down the hallway to the rec room, I realized it probably wasn't the best idea to leave him alone in there, with no comfort or company at all. He looked like he was scared of me, though. How the hell are you supposed to try and comfort someone who looks like they're absolutely terrified of what your next move could be?

Lucy's strict voice brought me out of my thoughts.

"Kellin, why aren't you with Vic?" she asked, looking at me like I was crazy for leaving him alone. Okay, it was pretty stupid.

"He's sleeping" I lied. Hopefully that was a good enough excuse. She gave me a questioning look, before it passed and she nodded.

"Okay, well, a guy from Child Services is here. They have a bag of stuff that's apparently his; they found it where he was living last. Would you mind just putting it on his bed? Or you can wake him up if you really feel it's necessary." She said. It didn't seem like she cared either way.

"Uh, sure." I replied, and she pointed behind her before rushing away to go break apart 2 kids fighting over a board game. Huh, I didn't know kids still played board games. Once she left, I realized she had pointed to a very out-of-place looking man in the doorway, holding a garbage bag half full of what I guessed was Vic's belongings. I didn't bother speaking to him, he wasn't worth my time. I just grabbed the bag from his grasp and turned away. No more than a second later I heard the front door slamming shut. Well, someone must not like children.

I made my way back to my room, and cautiously opened the door, only to find Vic curled up on his bed in the farthest side of the room, facing away from me.

"Vic" I called out. No response. "Vic" I tried again, a little louder. Silence.

I walked over to his bed, intending to just sit his stuff down and leave, but when I neared his bed, I heard that his breathing was steady and shallow.

Wow, so he actually was sleeping.

I shrugged it off and began to set the bag down on the floor beside him, but something stopped me.

A whole bad filled with things about Vic's past life? What if it was more than just clothes? Maybe now was my time to find out more about him?

I thought about it for a second more before rushing over to my own bed and eagerly tearing the bag open. Hey, if he wasn't giving me answers, I had to get them somehow, right?

I dumped the bag's contents onto the mattress and began to sift through what little he owned. On top of the pile were a few shirts, all long sleeved and heavily laced with his easily recognizable scent. I quickly threw them aside and kept sorting through what were mostly clothes. Half way through, I found a picture of him and what I guessed was his family. He looked really young, and the boy next to him, who I guessed was his brother, couldn't have been but a year or two younger. At first glance, you could tell that they were all happy. It sucked knowing that all of those people were gone from his life, now.

The next interesting thing I found was a bottle of pills. I took a look at the label:

_Victor Fuentes_

_Venlafaxine 187.5mg tablets_

_Have "Victor" take one tablet by mouth daily_

It looked like it was about half full, and I was suddenly extremely curious as to what they were for. The only thing that I really cared about though, was that they were prescribed, and made for him. It relieved me a bit to know that he wasn't using them in case he wanted to overdose or get high or some shit.

After a few more articles of clothing and several dollars here and there, I reached the end of the pile. Everything was looked through, except for one more thing. I almost didn't pick it up, thinking it was just something of sentimental value, but curiosity got the best of me and I picked up the small box to inspect it. It looked like something that could've once held jewelry or something along those lines, it wasn't very big. Cautiously, I opened the lid, and what was inside made me almost drop it.

Razors, probably over a dozen. Some big, some small; a collection really. They all looked so shiny and clean, like the blades had never been used to cut through skin, but I knew that's what he had them for. I took them all out and counted them; fourteen. An assortment of fourteen different cruel cutlasses to use on his own body. I shook my head sadly, and was about to put them back in the box, before I realized that would've been stupid.

Why give them back to him so he could do it again?

I shoved all of the clothes and such back in the bag in case he were to wake up while I was gone, and ran from the room with the box in hand. I had to get rid of them.

Whilst rushing through the building, I earned a few strange looks from the kids scattered around, but I rolled my eyes in response and kept on. Eventually, I made my way outside in front of the building where the dumpster was. Without a second thought, I heaved open the lid and threw the box away. There was no way he was going to digging through a bunch of garbage, right?

When I got back inside, Vic was wide awake, standing in the rec room with Lucy talking to him, going on about something. Once she spotted me, she pointed in my direction and walked away towards the kitchen, probably ordering the other workers to start making lunch.

"Um, L-Lucy said you um, had my stuff" he muttered, avoiding eye contact. I guess he was still sort of shaken up from before.

"Yeah, it's in the room" I said with a wave of my hand, motioning for him to follow me.

I wasn't going to tell him about what I found and what I did. He would figure it out on his own, and it wasn't even that big of a deal. At least it seemed like it wasn't.

We reached the room, and I pointed to the garbage bag beside my bed, before taking a seat on my own mattress. He took it hastily, seemingly trying to get it away from me and out of my sight. It almost seemed like he was embarrassed.

He emptied the bag onto his bed like I had, and began sorting through what was there. After carefully placing the pills on the nightstand beside him and placing his now folded clothes at the end of the bed, he was looking a bit worried. Only a few minutes of what became frantic searching later, he was on the verge of panicking.

"W-where are my…?" he said aloud, and I couldn't help but start to feel a bit guilty. But it had to be done. I wouldn't stand for him self-harming anymore.

"Where is your what?" I asked, trying my best to seem clueless.

He looked at me with wide eyes. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea…? No, no. I did the right thing.

"Um, nothing. I just had something and it's… god, where _are they?" _he was really getting freaked out now, I could hear it in his voice.

Around 5 more minutes later, with the way he threw the bag away from him like it was nothing and leaning against the wall with his head thrown back, I could gather as much that he had given up, and was distraught.

"What were you looking for?" I tried again, hoping to get him to respond to the question I already knew the answer to.

"Uh, just something that I um, really liked. You know… sentimental or whatever" he said slowly, lying through his teeth. Or maybe he wasn't lying; maybe they were sentimental to him. I wasn't sure how a box full of razor blades could be near and dear to someone's heart, though.

I nodded in response, deciding on dropping the conversation. It didn't seem like he suspected me for anything, which I was grateful for. It was quiet for a bit, save for Vic's heavy, ragged breathing, before I remembered the bottle of pills.

"What are those for?" I questioned, pointing to the bottle on the nightstand. I knew I shouldn't be so nosy all the time, but I couldn't help being curious.

He glanced to where I was pointing, and his eyes widened with realization. He scrambled all too quickly to get to the bottle and open them without hesitation, hurriedly shaking a tablet into his palm and downing it dry. What was that all about?

He must've forgotten about my question from before, or just didn't feel like answering it, because he resumed his position against the wall without a word.

Fuck this, I'm getting nowhere with him. I guess I'd better tell him where his "sentimental" stuff went.

"You weren't looking for um, razors, where you?" I asked, trying to seem nonchalant.

His head shot up and he stared at me, eyes blown wide. "Y-yeah, how… how did you know?" he questioned, dumb-founded.

"Because I found them, Vic. While you were sleeping, and I threw them away. I don't want you hurting yourself anymore."

His breathing started to quicken. "What… what the fuck, Kellin?" his sudden outburst surprised me. "I need those! Those pills… It started with only anxiety, but then depression kicked in and then I got diagnosed with panic disorder, too. That's what those pills are for. Y-you don't understand, I have my own reasons for cutting, but I _need _to do it, too. It's an addiction. If I can't do it, I'll have a panic attack and I…" he trailed off, closing his eyes and trying but failing miserably at trying to keep his composure.

I could only stare at him, shocked. I had no idea…

I threw my face into my hands, trying to shake away all the guilt and bad feelings. Here I was, thinking I was helping, when really, I was making things worse. I try to be of assistance, and I go and ruin everything, like always. I should've seen it coming. I mean, what else could you expect from a fuck up like me?


	5. Chapter 5

_'Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.'_

I shouldn't have gone off on him like that, it wasn't his fault. I mean, how was he supposed to know that I suffered from multiple mental disorders that made me terribly fucked up in the head?

_'Great fucking going, Vic. He's the one person who actually tries to be nice to you and you go and yell at him. When are you going to stop being such a fucking idiot?'_

I shook my head. My conscious was right. Ever since things started getting rough, I had dealt with my troubles by just pushing absolutely everything away and shutting myself off from the world. Sure, it kept me away from problems, but I actually created more in the process by pushing away the few people who were just trying to help.

Kellin had his head in his hands, and I felt incredibly guilty. He hadn't known he was doing any harm, so he shouldn't have been scolded like he had.

_'Fucking say something to him, you faggot!'_

"I'm sorry, Kellin. I shouldn't have… I didn't mean to go off on you like that, I just..." I trailed off, unable to find the right words. It was a bit difficult to explain to a near stranger why you had a craving and a need to cut yourself.

He looked up at me with what looked like a mix of sorrow and sympathy in his eyes. Even quicker than I could recognize it though, any signs of emotion on his face fell, and he was giving me the same dull stare that seemed to never leave.

"What are you sorry for? You didn't do anything wrong. I'm the one who threw out the only things keeping you away from a panic attack" he stated, still emotionless.

I couldn't tell if he was mocking me or not, so I couldn't come up with a decent response. I didn't have to though, as a bell signaling what I guessed was lunch rang throughout the building. Huh, saved by the bell.

Lucy came bustling through the door a few seconds later, nearly shouting at us.

"Alright, boys, time for lunch!" she said to me more than him. Kellin looked over at her and pulled a face; a mixture of what looked like disgust and disinterest. Lucy seemed to catch on to whatever he was implying; I guessed it was a normal thing for them by now.

She rolled her eyes and let out a sigh. "Come on Kellin, I… I won't make you eat, but at least go for Vic's sake" she said in an exasperated tone.

Okay, she was starting to bother me now. Why did she all of the sudden think that me and Kellin were all buddy-buddy and were automated to do everything together? She hadn't even bothered to have a normal conversation with me yet, so it annoyed me that she was just assuming who I was friends with and who I wanted to be around.

Kellin glanced at me, but I quickly put my head down. I knew what he was thinking; my being here is only making things worse for him. He's been at the orphanage for three years, and it seemed like he hadn't been forced to do anything in a while. But suddenly I waltz in and change that.

Lucy must've noticed the tension between us, because she spoke up again.

"Did something happen between you two?" she questioned slowly. I lifted my head just in time to see her shoot Kellin a death glare, like she automatically assumed that whatever was wrong was his fault. Technically it was, but it was kind of rude how she always doubted him and put him down.

Kellin scoffed. "No, Lucy. Nothing's wrong." Damn, he was good at this lying business.

She stared at Kellin for a good five seconds more, before dropping the menacing look and replacing it with a more cheery expression.

"Okay, well, come on, time to eat" she said with a clap of her hands, quickly turning out of the room. From how she always seemed to be ordering the other staff around and expecting everyone to listen to her every command, I could tell she was like the top boss around here. I was sort of glad that she had chosen to take special attention to Kellin, because if it was anyone else, I don't think he would've listened to what they had to say.

He looked at me again, eyebrows raised, asking a silent question. "You coming?" it seemed to say, though I'm sure he didn't really care. I nodded slowly before pushing away from my bed, falling behind a bit so I could follow him.

Once we made it through the empty rec room, Kellin lead me into a room next to the kitchen. Three large tables were set up in the middle, with kids of all ages sat huddled around it, all laughing and eating and playing with their food. It still amazed me how even though all of these kids had no family at all, they still always seemed so upbeat and happy. In the back of the room, there was a small plastic table where some of the younger kids sat, while a few height chairs in the corner were occupied by some very fussy toddlers. I guessed the infants were still in the nursery getting bottle fed.

"What, haven't you ever seen a room full of hungry orphans before?" Kellin asked with a smirk. I guessed I must've looked kind of awestruck, but it was hard not to. I hadn't realized how many kids that had been abandoned or given up were in this place until I saw them all crowded together in one room.

Kellin nudged me with his elbow, telling me to snap out of my thoughts and sit down at the table.

Oh god, I don't actually have to sit next to him, do I? Things were still pretty awkward between us, at least in my eyes. So awkward that I was even debating sitting next to a random ten year old just to avoid being near him. As I stole a glance at him, he seemed to be thinking the same thing.

I scanned the room, ignoring the judgmental stares I was receiving from the majority of the kids, trying to find an empty seat. Unfortunately, the only chairs that weren't taken were right next to each other, in-between a little girl with overalls and curly brunette pigtails, and a kid wearing a snapback who couldn't have been older than thirteen.

I chose to sit next to the girl, instead of the boy; he seemed like one of those kids who tries to act cool but is shooting way out of his range.

Kellin sat next to me, and I tried my best not to tense up. He hadn't done anything to hurt me, and I knew I should at least try and be friends with him since we were sharing a room and all, but to be honest, he still scared me quite a lot.

I really wanted to avoid saying anything to him, mostly because I knew that whatever came tumbling out of my mouth would be a stuttering mess, would sound downright stupid and probably wouldn't help anything at all. The girl sitting next to me saved me from having to speak, though. She tugged on my sleeve, willing me to look down at her.

"Who are you?" she said in a high pitched voice, but it was beyond cute.

"Um, my name is Vic." I said. Wow, I was even socially awkward around little kids.

"Are your mommy and daddy gone too?" she asked, looking up at me with big hazel eyes.

I nodded. "Yeah, yeah they are" I sighed. It didn't seem to faze her, though. I guessed she was used to everyone around her being parentless.

"My name is Jennifer, I'm four." she said proudly, holding up four tiny fingers to show off her age.

"Wow, you're a big girl, aren't you?" I asked, surprising myself with a chuckle. I hadn't even as little as smiled- at least genuinely- since I had gotten here, and now a mere four year old was making me laugh. I wasn't sure what it was about this girl, but she was somehow making me feel a bit better.

She nodded excitedly, seeming happy that someone had called her big. If only she knew the kind of things that being older brought on.

I felt a tap on my shoulder, and I gave one last smile to Jennifer before turning to whoever had interrupted our conversation. I came face to face with a plate of spaghetti, being shoved in front of me by one of the cooks. I didn't really want to eat, but I knew that I couldn't just refuse the food that they had made for me. I didn't even bother saying anything to the woman, taking the plate that was piled way to high with food. I couldn't eat all of it even if I wanted to.

I could only stare at the food. There was no way I was eating.

"Not hungry?" I heard Kellin say next to me. I locked eyes with him, shaking my head before turning away again.

"Well, you've got to eat something" he told me like I was stupid.

"Well, you're not eating, either" I responded quietly, noticing that he didn't even have a plate in front of him. I wasn't sure where this new confidence had come from, and I also wasn't sure how he was going to respond to it.

He scoffed, like I wasn't worth the argument- which I wasn't -, before rolling his eyes and turning away. I looked away as well, pulling my gaze back to the unappetizing mess of pasta and sauce in front of me.

Jennifer pulled at my sleeve again, and I turned my attention to her.

"Why aren't you eating, Vic?" she asked, eyes wide.

"Mmm, not hungry." I said with a shrug.

She stared up at me for a few seconds longer before speaking again.

"Are you sad, Vic?" she questioned innocently. Wow, did I really make it that obvious?

"No, why?" I lied. Honestly, it was possible that I couldn't have been sadder. Sad wasn't even the start of it, really. I was depressed. But there was no way I would ever trouble her tiny little brain by telling her that.

"I dunno, Mrs. Maria just always told us that you could tell what people was thinking about by looking at their eyes. And your brown ones are looking kinda sad" she responded, pointing up towards my eyes.

I guessed that Maria must be one of the other caretakers here, and judging by what she told this little girl, she must be pretty smart.

"Oh, well it's okay, I'm not sad, sweetie" I said with what I hoped was a reassuring smile. She seemed to buy it because she shrugged and turned to clean her almost empty plate of food.

After about twenty minutes of silence on my part, the room started thinning out rather quickly, and soon enough, Kellin and I were the only people left.

I sat shifting uncomfortably in my chair, trying to wait out what little patience Kellin had before he got bored with me and left. After about two minutes though, he was still in the room, sitting next to me, staring.

"Why are you still here?" I could only hope that I didn't sound rude; but it was kind of awkward just sitting in utter silence with someone who seemed to hate you.

"I'm waiting for you to eat." he stated like it was obvious.

"Kellin, I'm not going to-"

"Well why not?" He was getting annoyed now.

"Why should I?"

"Can you just stop arguing and do what I say?" he asked, irritated.

"Why do you care if I eat or not?" I argued anyway.

"Just, because, Vic!" he was really getting pissed.

"Because why?" Note to self: learn to control your big mouth.

"Because, Vic, I had a friend here that said he wasn't going to eat until he got adopted and it took a while and eventually he became anorexic and even though he finally did get adopted he was still in really bad shape when he did and I don't know if you're anorexic but I don't want you to end up like him" he said, so quickly I was surprised I even caught what he said. I was beginning to realize that over-speaking was a habit of his when he was annoyed or angry. "So can you please fucking eat something?" he finished with a sigh.

I could only stare at him, eyebrows raised. It sort of seemed like, I don't know, he cared about me?

_'He doesn't fucking care about you, no one does.'_

"Well?" he pressed on.

I must've taken too long to respond because eventually he rolled his eyes and stood up from the table.

"You know what, just, whatever, Vic." he muttered before exiting the room.

"What the hell…?" I whispered to myself.

I probably looked like an idiot, sitting there alone with my mouth hanging open, but Kellin was really confusing. God, what was this boy doing to me?


	6. Chapter 6

What the fuck am I doing? Why did I hassle him about eating? I'm probably only confusing the shit out of him, and myself as well.

I wasn't even planning on telling him about Alex and about him being anorexic, but it all just sort of slipped out. I could say that it was just an excuse to get him to stop arguing with me, but that wouldn't exactly be a whole truth. I really was worried concerned about him, whether he had just decided he wasn't hungry or not. I had seen the affects of lack of a proper diet, and I didn't really want to see them again, especially on someone as beautiful as him.

Why do I keep calling him beautiful? My mind is telling me to stop; to just drop any kind of emotion I have and stay away from someone who I'm only going to develop feelings for, someone who's only going to get taken away from me. I _know_ I should stop, but he's just so damn _perfect_, and it literally takes everything I have to act like I don't care about him.

So what the fuck am I doing?

I'm falling for Vic, that's what; and _way _too fast for my own liking and good.

After I stormed away from him like some fucking egotistical control freak with anger issues- which wouldn't be a totally false title-, I was just going to head to my- our, room and lie down, where there I could pretend that he didn't exist, that he wasn't sharing a room with me, that he wasn't fucking gorgeous, that he wasn't even alive.

But honestly, if he wasn't alive, I don't know what I would do with myself.

I never made it to our room though, as a bell sounded and I stopped dead in my tracks. I had completely forgotten about chores, not that I usually would've been too bothered by them. But these were chores that I would have to do _with Vic._ With him by my side, being adorably clingy since he was so new here, and most likely just waiting out whatever time he had left before I put on another show for him with my fucking big mouth and terrible attitude. Yeah, chores sound like fun.

Speak of the angel; he appeared at my side without a word, along with Lucy, who unfortunately wasn't as silent.

"Okay boys," she sighed, brushing away a strand of hair from her face. Her tone sounded like she was stressed, tired even. As much as she annoyed me with her constant nagging, I could still like her at times. And it made me feel kind of bad to see her working so hard without rest. She at least deserved a break.

"You two," she said, pointing her finger between us, "Are going to be watching the little kids for at least thirty minutes while I go eat my lunch."

I suppressed a groan.

Spending a half hour in a cramped room full of whining three and four year olds didn't exactly sound like a walk in the park, but judging by her current state, I knew she needed just the smallest bit of time off, so I nodded my head without an argument. She raised her eyebrows at me, shooting me a surprised expression, before giving me a weak smile in a sort of thanks. She looked at Vic, asking for his approval even though he would have to do it whether he wanted to or not. He seemed to catch on to Lucy's exhaust as well and must've decided not to bother her, not that he would've argued anyway. He gave her a curt nod before she returned the favor and walked off.

A claustrophobic, toy-littered space with a load of screaming kids and a judgmental Vic who I knew would be keeping an eye on me to see if I would make a fool out of myself yet again; sounded like a blast.

We headed out of the rec room and down the hall, stopping at the kids room. I paused in front of the door, preparing myself for the worst, before turning the handle and going inside.

Well, I was right about the toys.

They were everywhere; cluttering the tables, strewn across the floor, in the hands of young girls and boys fighting over who got to use them first. Not a square-inch of space in the small room was clear of any kind of colorful, useless piece of plastic that for some reason held joy to little kids; the place was a mess. I wondered if anyone ever bothered to try and tidy it up.

There were over thirty kids all yelling and squealing and bouncing off of the walls, and I wasn't sure if two seventeen year olds could handle such an obnoxious bunch. I turned to Vic, but he was no longer at my side. He was taking a seat at the coloring table that was sticky with glue and glitter, beaming and amazing smile down at a little girl with curl brown pigtails. I recognized her as the girl he sat next to at lunch.

For some reason, I felt a bit of maliciousness that he got to have a kid that liked him and looked up to him. But then I realized, how could he _not_ have a kid that liked him? A pathetic twinge of jealousy died down as quickly as it flared, but I was still having a private sort of envy that I didn't get to have a little friend like he had. I quickly realized that it was stupid to think any of the kids would like me, though. I mean, I wouldn't want to be friends with me, either.

Whilst Vic was occupied with his new four year old companion- not that I was expecting him to talk to me anyway- I let my eyes wander around the room, searching for something to do, or a child to at least sit next to so I didn't look like a complete loner even in a room full of little kids. Hell, what am I talking about? I always look like a loner.

A rather forceful tug on my sleeve pulled me out of my thoughts and brought my gaze to a small girl starting up at me from the below.

She looked nice enough; smooth brown skin, thick, short braids down to her shoulders, and an innocent glint in her hazel eyes. Her attitude, however, didn't quite match the positivity of her appearance.

"Who are you?" She blurted out, placing her hands on her hips.

"Uh, Kellin. My name is Kellin."

"Why is you here? I want Miss Lucy and Miss Maria back." She said rather rudely, jutting out a hip to show that she meant business.

I bent down to her level, giving her a stern glare that she then attempted to mimic.

"What's your name?" I asked slowly, ignoring her question and trying not to go off on a little girl who seemed like she couldn't have been above the age of three.

"Coco" she replied proudly, now a bit too close to my face for my liking. I stood up again, still eyeing her carefully.

"Well, Coco, Lucy and Maria will be back soon, they have to eat lunch. But for right now, me and that boy Vic over there," I turned to point towards Vic who was still seated at the too-small arts and crafts table, "are going to be watching you. Okay?" I finished, hoping I put enough authority into my tone to make her shut up and listen.

I decided I had success when Coco didn't immediately reply with a snarky comment. Only a second later though, my feeling of accomplishment fell when her small mouth opened again to let out another loud, disrespectful comment.

"That Vic boy is ugly." She said rather loudly, craning her neck to see behind me and get a good look at the "ugly" Mexican boy helping his girl color in a picture of a flower.

Now that was the last straw.

"No he's not" I snapped, feeling defensive.

"Mhmm!" she argued, bending forward a bit more to give me what I guessed was supposed to be a condescending look.

"No, he isn't" I said again, this time clenching my teeth to restrain myself from lashing out at her.

"What, do you think he's pretty?" she persisted on nagging me, now giving me an amused look.

"N-no, I-,"

"You like him, don't you!" she started to hop up and down excitedly.

I started to blush as I attempted to stutter out a response.

"He, I- no, I-"

"Your face is all red! You like him!" she screamed.

Before I could even answer to her assumption- which was surprisingly true-she ran away, well, as best as one could run on a floor covered in kids and toys, and skipped over to the girl Vic was sitting with. Coco cupped her hands and brought them to the girl's ear, telling her something that made both girls giggle.

Sooner than I would've liked, Coco was back beside me, taking my hand and pulling me to the table where Vic was sat, never dropping her devious smile. As soon as I was standing at attention in front of the shorter boy, Coco and the other girl immediately began sing-songing phrases along the lines of, "Kellin and Vic love each other!, Kellin and Vic are gonna get married!, Vic and Kellin want to kiss each other on the mouth!"

I could only stand there, feeling awkward, and sort of embarrassed. None of the other kids were paying attention, but Vic was giving me a terribly confused stare. He cocked an eyebrow, before smirking at the four year olds' immaturity and telling his girl to calm down.

"Okay, Jennifer, that's enough now" he said with a chuckle, doing his best to guide her bouncing form back to her seat at the coloring table.

"Wow, Kellin, I only asked for you two to get along, I didn't know you would fall in love" a mature voice that I would know anywhere said from behind me.

I spun around to meet a smirking Lucy, who apparently rushed through her lunch break, because it had only been about fifteen minutes. She probably just didn't trust my ill temper around these kids, and I didn't blame her.

Whatever her reason was for being back so soon, I didn't really care. All I cared about was getting out of the room full of snot-nosed children, and especially getting away from the matchmakers Coco and Jennifer.

Right before I walked back into the hallway, I heard Jennifer ask Vic a question in a calmer, quieter voice. She almost sounded genuinely serious when she said, "Vic, do you really like that Kellin boy?"

And Vic responded in the same cold sober voice when he answered, "I… I don't know."

I don't know? _I don't know?_ What the hell is that supposed to mean? Did that mean he was still thinking? Was he undecided? Or was it just a cover-up for what would've been a straight up, determined "No." had I not been in the room?

Jesus, I was just stressing myself out. I felt like a school girl with a crush, and it was really, _really _annoying. Why did I care so much, anyway?

I flopped backwards onto my bed, folding my hands on my chest and staring at the ceiling. I didn't like feelings.

The footsteps of old, worn out shoes sounded through the room, and I sat up all too excitedly to find Vic making his way to his bed, as well.

When he noticed me staring at him, he gave me a shy, awkward smile. "H-hey" he stammered, and I hoped I didn't look as swooned as I felt on the inside.

"Hi" I replied, replacing my school-girl attitude with a nice and solemn demeanor instead.

After a few more minutes of the silence that never failed to accompany the both of us when we were alone together, he spoke up again.

"So, that was pretty crazy in the kid's room, huh?" he asked with a laugh that sounded terribly weak and counterfeit.

I offered him a small fake smile and nodded, hoping to drop the conversation that for some reason was awkward for me.

"So, uh, why were they saying that stuff anyway?" he questioned, looking away and playing with the ends of his sleeves. Well, I guess there goes the option of dropping the conversation.

'_Come on Kellin, think of a good excuse. Lie. Just lie! You're pretty fucking good at it by now!'_

"Um, well, that little girl Coco, she uh, she called you ugly, and I got kind of mad and said that you weren't but she kept saying it and since I didn't think you were ugly, she was wondering what I thought you were instead and so she just kind of came up with it on her own and ran to go tell that girl Jennifer and, yeah… I never said that I like, loved you or anything like that." I explained, cursing myself for not conjuring up and lie and for my habit of forming run on sentences when I was stressed. I decided to leave out the part where I didn't exactly deny my attraction to him when Coco accused me of having feelings for him.

He looked like he wasn't even fazed by what I just said, but I didn't really expect him to be. It wasn't even a big deal, right?

"Oh, well… thanks for not calling me ugly?" he tried, giving me a small smile that seemed fake. Then again, I had still yet to see him smile genuinely, so I of all people couldn't be one to determine if his smiles were real or not.

"Well yeah, I mean, I wasn't going to lie." _Oh shit. Just stop talking. Stop talking now._

He looked up at me, seeming confused. "What do you mean?"

"Cause like, you're kind of the exact opposite of ugly."

Fuck. There goes my big mouth again.

He looked surprised, like he had never received a compliment before, or he was just refusing to believe it. Either way, I meant what I said, and I half hoped he realized that. The other half of me, however, was praying that he _didn't _realize that I was being completely honest, because what I said could be considered really, _really_ homosexual.

"Y-you think I'm-," he started, but I was beginning to get frustrated, mainly with myself.

"Yes, I just called you attractive. Deal with it." I snapped.

He looked a bit hurt, and I felt bad for taking out my frustration on him, when I was the only one acting stupid. I open my mouth to say some other stupid thing that wouldn't have helped at all, but a pair of high pitched voices giggling from outside of our door stopped me.

"I told you he likes him! I asked him if he did, but he didn't say nothing! That means he does!" Coco failed a whisper.

I looked back to Vic, who only stared back at me with wide eyes.

"So… you, um…l-like me?"

I looked away and shrugged my shoulders, not trusting my voice.

"Sorry, I-I um, was just joking-,"

"No. I like you, okay. I like you. I like you a lot and I think you're really, really attractive and just…" I trailed off with a frustrated sigh, bringing my hands to my face. Did I really have to just confess everything like a drama queen?

An awkward silence fell over us for an absurdly long amount of time.

"It's okay, Kellin…" Vic finally said quietly.

"No, it's not. Now you probably think I'm just some fucking faggot and you're going to ask to switch rooms or something because you don't want to be around a fucking gay kid all the time." I choked out, drowning in self pity.

"No really, it's completely fine."

"Why are you 'completely fine' with another guy liking you?" I questioned with an unbelieving smirk.

"…Because I like you, too."


	7. Chapter 7

He likes me too? But why? _How_, is a better question? How could anyone ignore my arrogant, bullshit attitude and look past it enough to somehow find something that they liked about me? There was literally nothing, absolutely _nothing_ to like about me, and that's how I knew he was lying. I'm a dick to everyone I meet, my appearance resembled actual trash, and I pretty much destroyed my own entire life. How is there any good in that at all?

"Oh, um… okay then." I replied stupidly, standing and leaving the room before he could even make a response. It was pretty rude to just leave him there like that, but he lied to me, I knew it, I could see it in his eyes. I didn't want to be around someone who was only telling me false statements out of charity for my gay little heart.

Before I knew it, I was out the back door, hopping the fence and stumbling through the woods, kicking up leaves in annoyance and pity for my own pathetic existence. I knew I was an idiot, but did I really have to be so stupid that I went and confessed my feelings to someone who would never even like me back?

I stopped my angry pacing and looked up to take in my surroundings. Shit, I had gone a lot further than I expected. I didn't think I could have been walking for more than ten minutes, but I was nowhere near the building now. Maybe it was a good thing though; now no one would bother to walk this far to find me. Hell, what am I talking about? No one cared to find me at all.

As soon as I found a suitable tree, I slumped down against it, just needing a place to be alone and think about how much of an idiot I am. I hung my head, staring at the ground and absentmindedly playing with the leaves and dirt, letting my brain take over to scold myself for my stupidity.

How could I have been so senseless? What on earth actually made me think he would like me back? And why did I have to make it awkward enough for him that he actually lied to my face just to get out of the conversation? Stupid. Just stupid.

The woods were almost completely calm and quiet, so I heard the footsteps right away. I didn't bother to get up, though. Whoever it was, whether it was just Lucy coming to scream at me for leaving and give me consequences, or even a serial killer coming to murder me where no one else could see; I wouldn't care. I'd actually quite like to die; I've wanted to for a while.

Much to my dismay though, my visitor wasn't a murderer coming to take me down in the middle of the forest. I should have guessed it; it was the boy who had been driving me crazy, which might've been better than a killer, but also a lot worse. The person who was unknowingly stripping you of your sanity by just being a fucking normal human being wasn't exactly the most anticipated person to see when you were having a near breakdown over them.

"What do you want?" I croaked, my voice having nearly given up on me.

"I-It's time for dinner, and um, I-I just wanted to see if you were okay…" he trailed off; looking away, like coming out here to talk to me was a bad decision.

Dinner? But hadn't it just been lunch? How long had I been out here feeling sorry for myself, anyway?

"Do you really care if I'm okay." It wasn't even a question, I knew he didn't.

"Yeah" he nodded his head, looking me in the eyes.

"Why though?"

He gave me a confused look. "B-because I-I like you, remember?"

I rolled my eyes. "Right, sure."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I don't know, you tell me."

"D-do you think I'm… you think I'm lying?"

"I know you are."

"W-why would you think that?"

"Because why would you like me? No one ever has, no one ever will! Everyone just feels sorry for me, and I'm sick of it! I hate how everyone always feeds me these lies and expects me to put up with it day after day, because I'm just some stupid little gay orphan that they can push around and do whatever they want with, because I act like I don't care! And no one stops them, because if I don't care, and no one else does, then why the fuck should they stop treating me like a push-over?" I was almost yelling now.

Vic stayed quiet, still staring at me, looking kind of… sad? I don't know. It looked like the same look people gave me before they threw me another pity party. I didn't want that.

"Sorry, you can go now if you want. Just tell Lucy I'm not hungry, she can scream at me later." I mumbled, my voice much lower.

"I'm not leaving."

My head shot up, giving him a look that might've looked like I thought he was stupid. But anyone who would feel the need to stay with me alone in the woods had to be pretty dumb.

"Why?"

Now it was his turn to roll his eyes. "Because I like you!"

"Would you stop saying that? You don't, okay! I know you don't!" I was getting kind of frustrated.

"Kellin, why can't you just believe me?" his voice softened.

"Because, why would I believe something that isn't even true?" I replied in the same tone, trying to get my point across.

He sighed and walked the few steps over to the tree, sitting down next to me on the ground. We were incredibly close and I wondered how he was pulling all of this off. No one had ever gone this far just to lie to me over and over again. Maybe he wasn't lying…? No, he had to be; there was no way anyone would actually want to be around me.

"Would someone who didn't like you, go through all this trouble just to find you and convince you that they do?" he asked, locking eyes with me.

I shrugged, unable to find my voice. I was about to go insane; he was so close.

"Would someone who didn't like you, follow you around all day like an idiot because he just wanted _you_ to like him, too?"

I shrugged again. He almost had a point.

"And would someone who didn't like you, do this?" he questioned, biting his lip.

"Do wha-," I was cut off by his lips pressing against mine. It only lasted for a few seconds, but it was the best few seconds I had encountered in a while.

He moved away, looking down, seeming like he was regretting what he just did and was on the verge of getting up and leaving. I gave him a few more seconds to make his decision, but he didn't move. After a bit more silence, I figured it was time one of us spoke.

"Why… why did you do that?" I breathed, taken aback.

"Because I like you." He replied in a small, quiet voice. He seemed afraid of what I was going to do next, like I was going to hit him because kissing me was the wrong thing to do. If anything, it was the absolute best thing he could've done.

"So… d-do you believe me, now?" he asked with worried eyes.

I waited a few more seconds before nodding. Something, something really idiotic and crazy and stupid within him made him like me. I wasn't sure how, but he had managed to find something good in me and decide that he liked me for it. I wasn't sure what it was, and I still had the smallest of doubts in the back of my mind that it all was just one big scandal, but for now, I would say or do anything just to have the possibility of him kissing me again.

"So, you like me?" I questioned, just to be sure.

He nodded with a small reassuring smile.

"Do we… do something about it?" I asked hesitantly.

He just shrugged and looked away.

"Wow, okay, so um…" I started, stuttering due to my small state of shock. "So… I like you, and for some reason, you like me too, and um… well, we're both going to be here for God knows how long, and I don't think either of us are getting out of here soon, and just… Jesus Christ, I'm not good at feelings." I sighed.

More silence followed as we both tried to work out whatever was happening.

"So… what does that, like… make us?" he asked, barely above a whisper.

I shrugged, raising my head to look him in the eyes.

"Let's just say… more than friends?" I questioned nervously, the possibility of rejection making me anxious.

"Yeah… that sounds good." He replied, the corners of his mouth twitching up to give me the smallest of smiles.

Even though it might've looked more like a forced grimace, I returned the smile, because I really needed some way to show him that he was literally perfect, that he made me happy, and that now, he was mine.


	8. Chapter 8

We sat on the ground with each other for a little while after, taking in what had just happened and what he had just accepted each other as. I, for one, was happy, much happier than I had been in a while. But Vic, however, looked kind of uneasy about the whole situation, and I had the terrible feeling he was starting to regret what we had just become, even if it was barely anything at all.

"Hey, you okay?" I nudged him lightly with my elbow, willing him to look away from his dazed dream in the treetops and look at me instead.

"Hm? Oh, y-yeah, fine." He said quietly. How was I supposed to believe that?

"Are you sure?" I asked, leaning in closer to him, doing my best to get him to make eye contact.

"Yeah, I'm sure." He said with a sigh. He didn't even sound upset or worried anymore, it was a dreamy tone that almost sounded tired. He seemed so out of if sometimes; I would kill to find out what went on in his head.

"Stop staring at me." He spoke again, the smallest hint of a smile playing at his lips. I blinked a couple of times before looking away, realizing that I had, in fact, been staring at him. I couldn't help it though. I'm sure if anyone else had pure perfection sitting right in front of them, they would take a good long look, too.

"I can't help it, you're just too adorable." I teased, now purposely gaping at him with a grin.

"Kellin, stop it." He whined, finally turning to look at me with a pout.

"You're blushing." I commented, smirking at how I could pull such great reactions out of him so easily. My smirk disappeared when he turned away from me, though.

"Aw, don't look away, it's cute." I tried to assure him.

"I'm not cute." He replied in a hushed tone, his blush creeping down his neck.

"You are though. Really, really cute." I persisted. He shook his head in disagreement, and I sighed, giving up.

"Fine, whatever, I know I'm right, so I'm not going to argue with you." I said condescendingly. I just didn't understand why he didn't see how gorgeous he actually was; he was absolutely breath taking, and I just wished he would believe me and see that in himself.

Any more conversation between us fell short, but this time, it didn't feel as uncomfortable as any previous silences had. He still seemed incredibly shy, which was why there was almost always lack of speaking on his part, but he didn't seem afraid of me anymore, and I was thankful for that.

I'm not sure how long we stayed there, sitting together, but it must've been a while, because the sun began to sneak away from the sky, and I was becoming more tired by the second. Eventually, I allowed my eyes to slip closed, and I rested my head on Vic's shoulder, completely alright with falling asleep on him in the woods, with no one to find us at least for the night.

As soon as I laid my head down, Vic tensed up, and after a few minutes of him squirming around, he finally poked me in my side, obviously uncomfortable with our position, although I didn't see why.

"Kellin." He whispered, gently shaking me. When he didn't receive an answer, he tried again. "Kellin, come on, we can't stay out here all night." He said worriedly, but I wasn't ready to leave our spot in solitude. I let out a sound that was a whimper mixed with a whine, hoping that it was a strong enough protest for him to stop messing with me.

"Seriously, Kel, come on." He said in a bit more of an annoyed tone, and I took that as my cue to finally say something in return. "So you're calling me Kel, now?" I questioned in the same hushed tone, opening my eyes and lifting my head to show off a smirk.

"Sorry, d-do you not want me to call you that?" he asked, his face distorted with worry and caution, but it was one of the most adorable looks I had ever seen.

"No, it's fine. I like it." I assured him with a chuckle, never looking away from his eyes.

"Oh… okay." He sighed, looking away from me again. I hated how he would barely ever look my in the eyes, but it was also just another thing that I secretly loved about him. He was so shy and odd, but it was in such a cute, lovable way that he made awkwardness adorable.

"You're staring at me again." He commented, smirking a bit. I just laughed in response, it was almost uncontrollable. He was just so damn attractive, it seemed impossible to look at him for less than two minutes at a time.

"So… are we going now, or…" he said softly, eyes still dancing around the nature surrounding us.

I sighed, realizing that we should probably head inside, because it was getting dark rather quickly. The temperature was dropping pretty fast, too, not that I would have minded holding a shivering Vic up against my chest, though.

"Can I kiss you again before we go in front of other people?" I asked as sweetly as I could, batting my eyelashes to make the unappealing offer seem at least a little convincing.

His blush returned as he nodded his head, and that was all the response I needed before I grinned and pulled him towards me by a hand on the back of his neck. Our lips stayed connected for ten seconds at the most, but I realized then that I enjoyed kissing him- probably a little too much - no matter how long it lasted.

When we pulled away, he finally locked eyes with me, looking at me for a few seconds before a light blush appeared on his tan skin and his gaze fell back down. I just shook my head, recognizing the heat on his cheeks and grinning, before standing up and offering my hand to him to get up, as well. We made our way back with our fingers intertwined, completely silent, but I didn't mind. Even if he was mute, I would like him all the same.

"Kellin, where were you?" was the first "greeting" I was given as soon as I walked in with Vic at my side.

"Calm down, we were just outside." I stated as calmly as I could, a bit irritated about how she only asked where _I _was, like Vic didn't even matter.

"Yeah, I checked there but I didn't see you. I told you, you're not supposed to go over the fence, Kellin! It's there for a reason! What were you even doing? Did he bring you into the woods to harass you or something? Did he hurt you?" she addressed the last couple of questions to Vic, staring him down with wide eyes.

"Lucy! I thought we were over that! I don't do that kind of stuff anymore. And stop staring at him, you're making him uncomfortable." I tacked on the last comment as I felt him tense up by the way Lucy was eyeballing him.

Her gaze shifted to me as she shot me a glare, and was about to scold me on my sass before she glanced down and her expression changed.

"Why are you two holding hands?" she asked confusedly. I glanced down and realized that Vic and I were still holding hands. He began to let go, but I wasn't going to let Lucy get the best of him, so I gripped his hand tighter. I wasn't sure how she would feel if she found out we were… well, whatever we were, and she didn't know I was even gay, but to be honest, I just didn't want to lose the warmth of hand in mine so easily.

"It's the new thing that teens are doing now, didn't you know?" I asked with a smirk, knowing I would be told off about my snarky reply. Before she could open her mouth though, the warning bell for bed time sounded, and she rolled her eyes at the ceiling before dropping the subject and sighing.

"Whatever, Kellin, just go to your room." She said, obviously irritated. I had barely ever talked to her since Vic had gotten here, so I felt kind of bad for forcing all of my pent up annoyance on her all at once. But with Vic around, I felt better than I had in a long time, so I took up on the rare good feelings whenever I had the chance.

When we entered our room, we kind of just stood in the middle, both of us obviously not ready to part with each other, even if it was only for a few hours.

"So um, time to go to sleep." I said, turning to him and trying to mask the disappointment in my voice. He nodded, but didn't move.

"You're going to have to let go of my hand, Vic." I chuckled, smiling even wider when his familiar blush returned and he dropped my hand from his tight grip that felt like he needed my hand in his to save his life.

"S-sorry." He muttered, and shuffled his feet a bit. Fuck, he was beyond cute. Words couldn't even describe him.

"It's fine, Vic." I giggled- yes, actually giggled. I bet you would giggle too if a God damn angel was acting all adorable and shit just because he wanted to hold your hand.

"Okay, well, um, goodnight." He said quickly, turning out the lights and going to his bed. We both changed into more suitable clothes in the dark, or in my case, just stripped to my boxers, for sleeping.

After we were both situated in our beds and the restless shifting and squirming of trying to get comfortable stopped, I whisper a final, "Goodnight, Vic." Before I closed my eyes and welcomed sleep. Vic's soft reply of, "Night, Kellin." Was the last thing I heard before slumber consumed me.

I was dreaming about something I can't recall when I heard it. At first I thought it was just part of my dream, but when it sounded more than once, I realized that I should probably wake and find out where it was coming from.

I opened my eyes and sat up in bed groggily, listening again for the slightest, quietest hint of whatever had disturbed me from sleep. After a minute or two, right before I was about to shrug it off and fall back into bed, there it was again.

The faintest, smallest, softest hint of a muffled sob.

I sat up straighter in my bed, waiting a bit longer to make sure I wasn't just imagining things in my dazed state. A little while later, I heard it again. Someone was crying.

My first instinct was to wake up Vic and ask if he had heard it too, because I still didn't really trust my mind in its sleepy state.

But when I looked over to Vic's bed, squinting to try and find his figure in the dark, I realized that his bed was empty.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Hi there, so just 2 quick things. Sorry for such short chapters, and seethemoondivorcethesky is my tumblr. That is all. Read on.**

Fuck, the release felt great. But if I was so glad to be doing it, why was I crying?

I looked down at my legs, at the countless deep gashes in my bleeding, cut up thighs. I needed this; I know I did, so why did the sick pleasure also feel terribly wrong? Why was there guilt hanging over my head?

Tears continued to leak from my eyes, not exactly pouring, but I was crying to say the least, and despite my piteous attempts to not make a sound, a couple of sobs still escaped here and there. I was still confused as to why I was crying, though. It's not like I had never harmed myself before. Hell, this had to be one of the most familiar things I knew, aside from hating myself and wishing I were dead. Maybe they were tears of… relief? What the fuck, that isn't even a real thing.

Since Kellin had taken away the only blades he knew of, I was feeling stressed and was keeping so many mixed emotions pent up inside of me, that it was a miracle I hadn't done anything sooner. Cutting usually made everything seem a little better; the short-living numbness always gave me a twisted feeling of satisfaction. So why did I feel like I shouldn't have just sliced up my legs again?

It couldn't possibly be Kellin, could it? Sure he knew that I purposely hurt myself, but it's not like he had told me he cared, or asked me to stop.

After a couple more minutes of choked-back tears and mindless thinking, I finally came to the conclusion that it must've just been the nightmare. I had been feeling screwed up- more than usual -ever since I had gotten to the orphanage, and the terrible dream I'd had must've just broken through my pathetic attempts at resistance and shook me up until I was a bawling mess on the floor. That seemed to be the only reasonable explanation.

There's no way Kellin could make me feel guilty about something I'd been doing for years on end. Besides, with how stupid and careless I had been acting lately, I knew I deserved every single mark on my skin.

"Vic? Are you in there?" Kellin's voice called from outside of the door.

Shit, I should have been fucking quieter. Or just not cried at all, but I guess it was pretty difficult for a loser like me to not let a few tears slip.

"Y-yeah, hold on." I responded in a shaky voice. I pulled up my sweatpants as quickly as I could, silently cursing myself because I was taking way too long.

"Vic?" I heard Kellin say again, along with the clicking of the resisting doorknob trying to be turned. "Why is the door locked?" he almost sounded worried.

By then I was pretty sure all the cleaning up from my recent "activities" had been done, so I scrambled to open the door to make sure Kellin didn't have to wait any longer.

"Hi." Was all my stupid brain could think of when I came face to face with a very suspicious looking Kellin.

"Why was the door locked?" he asked again, but before I could even think of a response that wouldn't convince him of anything anyway, his eyes went wide and he pushed past me into the bathroom, stopping at the counter and gently picking up the bloody razor blade from off the corner of the sink. He held it up in front of him, looking me in the eyes and not saying a word.

"I wonder how that got in here." I rasped with a weak laugh. Damn, I was such a fucking idiot. Maybe if I didn't say anything about it, he would just leave the subject alone?

Wrong.

He placed it back on the counter, ignoring the drops of my blood on his fingers, and did something that really surprised me. He kissed me. Barely even a butterfly touch, it was so light and delicate but so sweet and caring and I could've started crying all over again for no apparent reason.

"Where did you do it?" he asked me in a voice barely above a whisper once he pulled away. I shrugged and looked away; he didn't need to see the results of my addiction again.

After staring me down for another second or two, he gingerly brought the sleeve of shirt up, but looked confused when he didn't see any fresh wounds.

"Take off your shirt." He said forcefully, but in a soft tone. Honestly, I was insanely self conscious, whether he had already seen my cuts or not. Quickly I shook my head no in protest, but when his hands began lightly tugging on the hem of it; I raised my arms above my head with a sigh, allowing him to pull it off of me.

I watched as his eyes roamed over everything I had just exposed to him. First he took in the sight of my arms again, then traveled to what I guess he had wanted to inspect. The slices on my stomach were the least recent, so they were somewhat healed, but since they were so deep, they would still take a while to turn into more ugly scars, not that I would let them.

"Let me see your legs." He said, continuing on his search for my site of self-harm.

"I-I," My voice cracked, failing to make much of an objection.

"Please, just do what I say, Vic." He rolled his eyes a bit, and I knew that if I fought him any longer than he'd probably just end up doing what I wouldn't do myself.

I nodded weakly, going over to the counter and hopping on top, before sliding my sweat pants down off of my skinny legs, revealing my recent carvings into my skin.

He just stared at me, probably judging me horribly, looking over my entire revolting, lacerated, half-naked body with his mouth hanging open. After what seemed like hours, he let out a sigh, and I could have sworn I saw tears in his eyes. He walked over to me, placing his hands on my hips, having the intention of getting me down from the counter, but he stopped when the slightest hint of a wince crossed my face.

"Sorry." he whispered quickly without emotion. "Even there, too?" he asked, even though the way I reacted to his touch answered his question. I nodded my head, and he sighed into the quiet room, taking my hands instead of my sides and pulling me off of the counter.

When I was standing in front of him, still only in my boxers, he started with the questions.

"Why did you do it again?" he asked in a soft tone. I kept my head facing towards the floor, giving him a shrug in response.

"Are you ever going to tell me?" he questioned in the same voice, and I shrugged again, because I honestly didn't really know.

"Look at me." He ordered, but I wasn't too keen on seeing the disappointed look he would have on his face.

"Vic…" he whispered, but didn't wait for another one of my protests before cupping my cheek and tilting my head up to meet his eyes.

"Why are you crying?" he asked, gently wiping away the few tears off of my face that I hadn't even noticed I let fall. When I didn't respond, because I really didn't even know, he sighed again and placed his arms around my bare waist, pulling me into a hug. I instantly hugged back, loving the unfamiliar warmth he gave me.

"Can you promise you won't do it again?" he mumbled against my skin, causing me to shiver at his hot breath.

I didn't answer him, though. That was a promise that I knew I might not ever be able to keep to him.

His arms dropped from around me with a sigh, and his hand latched onto mine, dragging me along behind him out of the bathroom.

"But what about my clothes-,"

"Shhh." He hushed me, squeezing my hand a little tighter. Maybe he didn't really mind me being only in my boxers, but it bothered me quite a bit. I knew I wasn't going to win if I put up a fight though, so I continued following him into our room, trying to ignore how cold the building was without any clothes on.

He pulled me towards his bed, and let go of my hand to lay down in it. After a few seconds of me standing awkwardly in front of him, he rolled his eyes and invited me to join him with a pat on the spot next to him.

Cautiously, I crawled in with him, and before I knew it, his arms were around me, sliding me as close I could get to him, and pressed his lips to my forehead in a gentle kiss.

I couldn't help being completely tense in his hold at first, but once his steady breathing calmed me a bit, I relaxed and involuntarily cuddled up into his warm chest.

We lay like that for a while, and I wasn't sure what his intentions were, but I wasn't complaining. The way he was holding me, and how he absentmindedly began tracing soft circles around the marks on my stomach, it was all almost too great to be real.

"Can you tell me now?" Kellin's hoarse whisper hot in my ear brought me back to reality.

I shook my head. There was so much to say, and I didn't want to bother him with my "problems" anyway.

"It's nothing." I croaked, my voice raspy and tired from crying.

Kellin sighed, giving my forehead another peck before dropping the subject.

"Okay. And I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for?" If anything, I should be the one apologizing for making him stressed out.

"I don't know, for not being able to help you."

What was he going on about? He was doing just a fine job in my opinion.

"It's fine. You're doing fine. It's my fault for being so stupid. Can we go to sleep now?"

He blew out his breath against my neck, causing me to shiver a bit.

"Yeah." He whispered, tightening his arms around me to pull me closer to him.

"G-goodnight." I said into the darkness before drifting off to sleep, but Kellin was already asleep.


	10. Chapter 10

Fuck. This was not good at all. Of course it fucking wasn't, he had hurt himself again, and I had this terrible feeling that I could've stopped it, but didn't.

I knew that he cut, I saw the marks on his arms, but did I say anything about it? Did I say anything to fucking help him or tell him that I wanted it to stop? No. I just sat back and didn't say a word and probably made him think that I didn't care at all, when honestly, I don't think I could've cared about him any more than I already did. With the confession of our feelings to each other, I felt like it was a sort of commitment, that he was my responsibility now. Because he obviously wasn't going to take care of himself, so someone else had to. And what better person to look after him than me? Probably anyone, now that I think about it. If I couldn't get anything else in my life right, how was I supposed to stop him from harming himself?

It was terrible; his entire body was covered in painful reminders of how much he hated himself. It was one of the most horrible things I'd ever seen. Not the fact that his skin was littered with scars and deep cuts; I still thought he was absolutely breath-taking. No, it was the fact that he had done it all himself, that he really believed he deserved pain, and that he thought he was anything other than flawless.

If anything, if he felt like I couldn't stop it, that his addiction was way past even the thought of recovery in his eyes, I still wanted to somehow make him look past all of his insecurities, all of the flaws that only he could see, and make him believe that he was perfect, at least to me.

"Vic," I said softly into his ear. It was time for breakfast, and he needed to eat. Besides, if he didn't get out of bed soon, Lucy would come in here and get him up much less nicer way.

"Vic," I tried again when I didn't get a response.

He whimpered lightly into the pillow, pulling the sheet up over his bare chest and snuggling further down into the warm bed.

"Vic, come on, you gotta get up." I said in the same tone.

From underneath the mess of sheets came a small response of, "I don't wanna." He was so cute in his sleepy state; I almost didn't want to get him up. But Lucy would kick my ass - and maybe even his, too - if I didn't get him out of bed. Besides, I was really looking forward to seeing his beautiful face again.

Giving up on any further verbal attempts, I pulled away the sheets that were almost over his head, down and off of his body, exposing him to the cold. He let out another whimper in protest, curling further into a ball and shrugging away from me.

"Vic, seriously, come on." I sighed when my plan didn't work. "At least sit up for me."

I heard him moan as he reluctantly sat up, hair a delightfully splayed mess, eyes closed and an adorable pout on his face. I laughed, carefully raising his arms over his head and pulling one of his shirts over his body.

"Okay, I'm up. I can get dressed on my own." He groaned, finally opening his eyes and looking at me.

"You're cute when you're all grumpy." I remarked with a small smile.

He just shook his head, obviously still tired, standing up to pull on the jeans I had gotten out for him.

"You're staring at me again." He rasped, his voice deeper than usual and hoarse with sleep. I couldn't decide if I liked this voice better than his usual one, but damn, was it sexy.

"And? I can't help it, you're just too pretty." I told him, unable to hold back my grin.

"I don't like it when people stare at me. It makes me feel like they're judging me." He said back, obviously not picking up on, or at least not going along with my playful demeanor.

"Vic, there's literally nothing bad I could think about you. You're beautiful, and if anyone thinks otherwise, than they're a fucking idiot, okay?" I was getting a bit frustrated, but I tried my best to keep my temper toned down. It was hard though; he really didn't believe that he was anything special, and it almost pained me to see him think so lowly of himself.

"I must be a really big fucking idiot then." He said under his breath, obviously not meaning for me to hear. He fastened the button on his incredibly tight jeans, finally finished struggling to get into them. He looked at me, making eye contact before looking away. I stood from the bed and tilted his head up by his chin to look at me again.

"You aren't an idiot, Vic," I frowned, "and you are beautiful, whether you believe it or not." I told him with a peck to his cheek. The faintest hint of a blush crossed his tan cheeks at my touch, and I gave him another small smile before linking my hand with his and pulling him into the hallway.

"Vicky, do you like the pancakes?" Jennifer asked from her seat next to Vic at the table, using the nickname for him that she had taken a special liking to and had thought of on her own. It was cute, I guess, but I felt a strange sort of envy towards her because I hadn't thought of the nickname sooner. Is it weird to feel jealous of a four year old? Probably. I'm such a freak.

"Actually, I haven't had any yet, but I'll let you know when I do." Vic chuckled, looking down at her. She gave him a nod, smiling the best she could with a mouth full of pancakes. Vic laughed again as he caught the dribble of maple syrup running down her chin and licked it off of his thumb. He was even good with kids, too. Jesus, when will he stop giving me so many reasons to think he's perfect?

A low grunt came from behind us as two plates full of low-quality pancakes were shoved in front of us. "Um, thanks." Vic said, obviously not too fond of the meal-preps that didn't care enough to at utter at least one word to the kids they were serving. I stayed quiet, shooting the fat woman a look of disgust rather than offering her my thanks. The food looked terrible, not that I was going to eat it anyway.

"Come on, eat up." I ordered Vic in a low voice, pushing the breakfast plate further in front of him. He gave the food the same look of disinterest that I had given the lunch lady; like he didn't even want it in his sight. He shook his head, pushing it back away from him.

"You have to eat, Vic." I said sternly, trying to get my point across in the nicest way possible.

"I-I don't want to." He responded quietly, still staring at the pancakes like they were a spawn of Satan himself.

"Well why not?" I was going to convince him to put food into his body whether he wanted to or not. There was no way I would let him skip a meal. Not when he was already as skinny as a twig.

"B-because… I-I feel gross when I eat. I…I'm fat." He answered in an insanely quiet voice. It was a miracle I even heard him.

He felt gross? He felt like there was something wrong with him? He thought that he shouldn't eat because he thought he was fat, when there was he was almost as far away from fat as he could get? Fuck, I was getting angry again. Not at him, exactly, but at whomever or whatever had made him think that eating was a bad choice for him.

"And who was it that said you were fat?" I asked, almost growling, trying my best to keep my voice down.

"Um…me." He squeaked unsurely, hanging his head to keep his gaze focused on his lap.

"Vic, I swear to God, you aren't fat!" I nearly shouted. "Please, you're fine just the way you are. You're beautiful. You're perfect." I said in a more hushed tone, reaching for his hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. It almost pained me to know that he didn't see himself as the gorgeous human I saw him to be.

"I-," he started, but stopped and screwed his eyes shut, shaking his head. It almost seemed like he was listening to someone else, like some other person was whispering in his ear, calling him names and taunting him, making him believe the cruel things he thought about himself and forcing him to deny what I told him.

Sighing, I reached in the middle of the table, taking an apple out of the fruit bowl no one ever bothered with.

"At least just eat this." I gingerly placed the apple in his hand, looking up to his eyes, hoping to find some sort of reassurance that he would do as I told him.

His eyes opened, sad looking. He gave the apple another one of his appalled looks and shook his head again. "I-I don't… I can't." he whispered, looking sickened by just the thought of consuming something.

"_Please_." I begged, getting desperate.

He didn't say another word before raising to apple to his mouth, taking an incredibly small bite with a displeased expression on his face.

"Come on, you can do it." I assured him in a soft tone, placing my hand on his knee and giving it a comforting squeeze.

Breakfast continued on like that; him struggling to eat, me doing my best to urge him on and convince him he was perfectly fine just the way he was. He only got halfway through the apple before setting it down, looking at it sadly before turning to me.

"I-I'm sorry." He apologized in a whisper, shaking his head in disappointment in himself.

"Hey, it's okay, you're okay. You did fine." I assured him before noticing the lone tear straying from his eye down his cheek.

"Why are you crying?" I asked, brushing the tear away with my thumb. I was really thankful all the kids were always either too busy with their conversations and food or too tired to notice what was going on around them at breakfast. Our current position, Vic crying while I was far too close to him for it to be normal, might look a bit odd to anyone who would've looked around.

"I-I shouldn't be eating. I'm not good enough for food. I'm already fat-,"

"Stop. Just stop. Stop talking like that; stop always bringing yourself down, stop saying all of these bad things about yourself that aren't true. You're perfect, and I want you to believe me when I say that." I was so distraught; it shouldn't be this difficult to make someone see that they were beautiful. He was terribly fucked up in the head - not that he could control it - and I would do anything in my power just to fix him.

"I'm sorry." He repeated in a hushed tone, shaking his head. "Why do you put up with me? You could just leave me alone to fend for myself." I hated how he said that. "Put up with him." Like it was a chore. Sure, it was a bit of a struggle, but I don't regret ever developing feelings for him.

"Because we share a room. It's not like I could just get rid of you." I said jokingly, but he didn't seem to catch on, as his face fell and he mumbled a quiet, "Oh" in response.

"Vic," I said with a light laugh, trying to get him to notice that I was only messing with him. "Vic, come on, look at me." I tried again when he didn't move. I tilted his chin up so his eyes could meet mine. "Vic, I was just kidding. I do it because I like you, remember?" I reminded him, giving his cheek a gentle rub with the pad of my thumb. "And I care about you. A lot. I just want you to be okay." My voice was a whisper now, so low only he could hear it, not that anyone else was listening.

I quickly dropped my hand from his face a made a created a bit of space in between us when Lucy appeared in the doorway.

"Oh, there you are Vic." She said in her usual loud, upbeat voice. She made her way over to us, eyeing me carefully in that condescending way she always did.

"Come with me." She ordered without an explanation. "W-what? Why?" He responded. His eyes were wide and he looked a bit scared, like he thought he was in trouble.

"Oh, sorry, silly me. You have a phone call. Your brother would like to speak to you."


	11. Chapter 11

The room started clearing out almost as soon as Vic disappeared, and I was left alone sitting awkwardly amongst all of the dirty dishes and empty chairs that the kids hadn't bothered to push in. I considered waiting for him there in the dining room, but when the assertive meal prep from before came to clean up, the odd and sort of mean I received from her made me not want to stick around, so I headed to our room instead.

His brother? The one who had been selling drugs behind his back, had gotten arrested and gotten Vic found out by the authorities and had him shipped here all by himself? What would he have to say to him? And would Vic even listen? Fuck, what was I going on about, I didn't even know the whole story. I couldn't say I exactly hated him, because he'd actually brought Vic to me, and that was nothing but a positive. But still, I could tell that he hurt Vic, whether he intended to or not. What could be so important that his brother would use his one phone call to talk to Vic? I didn't like the guy, even if I didn't know him, and the thought of him getting even the privilege to speak to his sibling again made me mad. I just hoped that whatever they were talking about was worth it.

The blubbering Vic that came stumbling through the doorway and straight into my arms pulled me away from any angry thoughts I may have had. Holy shit, if Mike or whatever the fuck his name is said anything to hurt him, I swear I will break into that prison myself and rip his fucking head off. Vic has enough shit to deal with; he doesn't need his fucking druggie brother to pile more stress on top of him.

Vic sat on my lap on the bed and wrapped his arms tightly around my back and his legs around my waist, sobbing into my shoulder and pressing his chest up against mine. Fuck, his heart was racing.

"What's wrong?" I asked, trying my best to not seem terribly worried.

"H-he's coming. Mike told me. H-he's coming. He's gonna hurt me again. I-I deserve it, but I don't wanna go back. I don't want to go back." He choked out between sobs. I felt my shirt growing damp with his tears.

"Hey, it's alright, you don't have to leave. Who are you talking about?" I questioned in a soft tone, rubbing his back in the most calming way I could. His whole body was shaking violently, from both crying and… chills, maybe? I felt his forehead to be sure; he was burning up and sweating like crazy.

"H-he said he'd find me. He's going to find me, Kellin. I don't want him to find me- He's going to find me. I don't want to go back. I don't want to go back!" Vic was nearly yelling now, but it was all muffled by his tears and the way he had his head buried in my neck.

"Vic, it's okay, you're okay. No one's out to get you. You're safe with me, alright?" I was trying my best to get him to calm down, but it was really difficult. It was like he couldn't even hear me.

"I-I… please don't let him find me. I don't want to leave. Please don't let him take me. Please don't let him take me, Kellin! I don't want to go!" He screamed the last two lines.

I gave up on words, trying to wait out his panic attack. His breathing was fast paced and irregular, and I kept hearing him audibly gulp, like he couldn't swallow correctly. I could still feel his heart pounding against my chest, and I was trying not to freak out as well, because honestly, this was terrifying.

Around ten to fifteen to minutes later, Vic had quieted down quite a bit. His heart rate had slowed and it sounded like he was breathing properly again. He was still shaking slightly, but it felt like most of the intense crying was over with.

"Hey, are you okay?" I whispered into his hair, still rubbing his back up and down at a steady pace.

"Mhmm." He hummed into my shoulder before raising his head to look at me. "I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean to freak out on you, I just…" he started, but stopped when his bottom lip began to quiver and fresh tears welled up in his eyes. "I'm sorry." He repeated, nuzzling his head into my neck. "I just don't want to go back."

"Go back where?" I asked in a hushed tone, still doing my best to somehow comfort him.

"To my uncle's. I-I don't like him, Kellin. I don't want to go back…" he repeated in a strangled voice.

Uncle? He had never told me anything about an uncle. He'd said how his parents died, how he'd been getting around with Mike without them, and how he ended up here. Was there an in between he hadn't bothered to tell me about?

"Your uncle?" I questioned, continuing with my gentle stroking along his back.

"Y-yeah um…" he stammered, raising his head again to look at me. I finally got a good look at him; his hair was a mess,- and not the usual good kind - his face was flushed and wet, and his red rimmed eyes were filled to the brim with more tears that threatened to fall.

"I-," he began, but squirmed in my lap before getting off of me completely and sitting on the other side of the bed against the wall. I followed suit, making sure to keep a safe distance from him, because he obviously needed some space.

He brought his knees up to his chest before continuing.

"Um, after my mom died, her brother, m-my uncle, had taken me and Mikey in to take care of us. They never really officially adopted us, but no one even knew, or cared at least to call and complain to the child people or whatever. That was when his wife, m-my Aunt Clara, was still alive. Me and Mike kept going to s-school and stuff. He had always had a lot of friends, and the whole thing with mom dying didn't really affect that. But I wasn't really as lucky. I didn't have many, or any friends at all. My mom was the only person I would ever really talk to. I know that probably sounds pathetic." He turned his head to look at me, searching my face for any hint that I might be judging him. I shook my head and motioned for him to continue.

"So, my mom was the only person I really talked to- besides Mike, but he was always busy with his friends or partying really late, and he wasn't always around to have a nice chat with, you know?" he looked at me again and I nodded, because I did get what he was talking about. My mother became really distant after my dad walked out, and even though she was there, it was hard to just have a conversation with her.

"Anyway, she died when I was twelve, not long after my dad died, too. It was supposed to be this fun beach trip to get away from all of the sad memories and all of the questions about my dad at home, but obviously that didn't really go as planned. I'd always hated the beach, I begged her not to take us there. But she did. I still remember her screaming from the water, and rushing around for help, with Mike crying next to me. I saw when the lifeguards took her out of there. There was so much blood, Kellin. She was always so beautiful, I remember when I was little, I always asked her if I could marry her when I got older. But when they pulled her onto the sand, she wasn't even a person anymore, she was just this mangled body ripped to shreds by some stupid animal. She died right there on the beach. I don't even know why they bothered trying to save her. She was gone before they even got her out of the ocean." A few tears slipped down his face but he quickly wiped them away and continued.

"I ran away after the paramedics announced that she was dead. My own mother, not living, no longer breathing, no longer around to tell me how much she loved me and cared about me. I couldn't deal with it all. I didn't want to be around all of those people, all of that blood and medical stuff, and especially not near the ocean that was home to that... that stupid fucking _beast_ that took my mother away from me. Me and Mike walked for about two days, away from the beach where she died. Luckily, my uncle lived near the coast, so it wasn't long until I found him and my aunt. They already knew what happened from the news, and almost as soon as we got there, they moved with us back home to our old dump of a town, as far away from the beach as possible. It wasn't long after the whole thing that Mike showed signs of recovering. He was hanging out with his friends again, the people that I guessed had helped him along, and before I knew it, he was back to normal. Fucking going to parties and shit just like usual, like nothing had even happened. He acted like nothing had even happened! Like our mom and dad weren't even fucking dead!" he shouted before breaking down into another fit of tears. He buried his face into his hands, holding back sobs. "S-sorry." He whispered, looking up at me sadly in apology. I shook my head and waved it off. He had so many reasons to cry; he deserved to let it all out. I let him calm down a bit more before he kept going.

"Like I said, I never had any friends. Obviously, I'm not really your popular kind of guy, with all of this and all," he made a gesture towards his face, "so people just never liked me. Not long after my mom died, when I was thirteen, is when I started cutting. Everyone at school would look at me like I was a murderer, like I was the one who killed her. I didn't do it, Kellin. I told her we shouldn't have gone to the beach. I told her to stay out of the water. I swear." He looked to me for some sort of assurance that I believed him. "I know." I nodded, letting him know that he didn't do anything wrong.

"After a while, people stopped feeling sorry for me, and they started making fun of me instead. There were so many mean kids at my school. They started calling me sharkboy and other really stupid names like that. They were literally nothing, they weren't even bad at all and they shouldn't have gotten to me, but they did. No one would let it go. They kept making me think that I was the cause of her death, and I believed them. I still do. I killed my mother. I tried to just move on, to at least not think about her, but they brought it up every single day. After a while, I think they even forgot why they were messing with me, but they didn't stop. They started calling me other names, you know, the usual faggot and emo and other shit along those lines. Every day, they told me to kill myself. I didn't even get why they were doing it. It didn't make any sense, but I knew that if I had killed my mom, then I deserved whatever they did to me. In the beginning of high school, they started beating me up. It was a new school, and not even half the kids there knew about my mom, but everyone did it because they just didn't like me. They hated me. I hated myself, too. So I tried to kill myself." He sounded like he was about to cry again, but didn't.

"But of course, fucking Mike had to come home and find me and get help. He couldn't have just let me die. I guess it was my fault for taking the slow route and overdosing. If I had just fucking hung myself or cut until I bled out, I could be fucking dead right now. At peace with my mom and dad and just…" Another tear strayed from his eye, but he didn't bother to brush it away this time. "But, I guess it's kind of good that I didn't, because then I wouldn't have met you." He looked at me with an incredibly sad glint in his eye, but a weak smile on his face. I returned the favor and wiped the tear off of his face before nodding for him to keep going.

"My aunt was the one who he got to help me. She always got home before my uncle, so she was the only other person who was home. They didn't call an ambulance or anything, though. They were always really tight on money, especially since me and Mike had gotten there, so a hospital bill wouldn't have really helped with that. She used to be a nurse though, so I guess she kind of used her experience with that to help me get better. I didn't want to get better, though. I still wanted to die. I cut every day, so often that I almost wasn't even surprised when Mike finally caught me in the act. I had thought no one was around, but he had gotten home from a party earlier than I expected him to. He was crying but he was yelling at me and I didn't even know what to say. The next day, he begged Clara to give me therapy or get me a counselor or _something._ He was so worried that I was going to kill myself again, and I guess she was too, because she gave in. Uncle Harvey got really mad, though. He said that he didn't want to be wasting money on me just because I was a suicidal psychopath. I hated going to that fucking psychiatrist anyway, he never helped anything. He was just some old fucking bald guy that acted like he knew what he was talking about, like he knew what it was like to have both of his parents dead. Clara was really putting up a fight though. She had said that it was for the best, and that it wasn't going to stop until it got better. But Harvey worked in a dirty, low-quality factory on minimum wage. He worked hard for his money and he didn't want his wife spending it all on someone he didn't even care about. One night, he came home drunk, like really drunk." He began to choke on his words, and I gently rested a hand on his shoulder, silently telling him it was okay to stop. He shrugged away my hand and continued anyway.

"He killed her. I know he did. Mike did, too. I don't even know if he really meant to, he was so drunk he probably wouldn't have even remembered it the next day if we hadn't started asking him questions about her jog his memory. It's terrible that you have to remind someone that they murdered their own wife. I'm not sure how he did it, what he did with her body, or what he told other people after that, and I don't really think I want to know. I just know that therapy stopped after that. I never told anyone that he did it, and I told Mike not to tell anyone, either. I didn't know what would happen to us if he got sent to prison, and it wasn't like he was kicking us out or anything for knowing- he never even spoke about it. So we just carried on with our lives. Mike seemed a little distraught about the whole situation, but he never talked to me about it. He just started staying out later at night, sometimes till four in the morning and sometimes even later. Sometimes he'd ask me how I was doing, or try to talk to me, but our conversations never lasted long. He seemed to just give up on me, and in a weird way, I was sort of thankful for that. I still cut every chance I got, the bullies at school hadn't gotten any better, and my whole life was a mess. But I didn't decide I would kill myself, not yet at least. For some weird reason, even though I knew I was the cause of both my aunt and my mother's death, I chose to keep going and at least make it through high school. Mike was falling behind in his classes, and I just wanted to make sure that if he didn't get a job, that he could come to me, that I wouldn't fail him, that I would at least try and tough it out for his sake." He shook his head, looking distant, like he was listening to someone else speak, closing his eyes for a second before opening them again and continuing.

"I was fifteen when I realized I was gay. I remember when I told Mike. He didn't even seem to care, but maybe he was hammered when I told him, or stoned or something. The next day he told me to tell Harvey. I have no idea why he thought it was a good idea, but I must've been equally as stupid because I did what he told me to do. When I told my uncle, he was really pissed. It was at dinner, and I remember him throwing his plate across the room. He had just told me to go to my room though, and that night Mike just went out and partied again, didn't even say sorry for making him mad. Well, I guess I was the one who had made him mad, but it was Mike's idea. Mike was still always out till early in the morning, and my uncle would always come home drunk every night. But on the day I came out, he didn't just go up to his room like usual. He was especially pissed that night, at me, at everyone, at the world. He beat me. He said I was worthless for being gay, which I didn't really deny, and said that I shouldn't even be around. Every night continued on like that, for at least a year, up until I was sixteen. He would come home extremely drunk, and would beat me until I was a pathetic, crying mess on the ground. I never stopped cutting. I never told Mike anything, though. I could've even still been there, getting hit and kicked and punched, everything I deserved, had it not been for the police shutting one of Mike's parties down early. He came home one night, drunk or high or something, but he registered what was going on. Harvey had always sort of liked him, more than me I guess, but that didn't stop him from punching him in the face. Mike got really mad, all I remember is him pulling me up off of the ground and telling me to run. We ran for so long, I was so tired but Mike just kept telling me to keep going. We made it halfway out of town before we stopped in a ditch and started looking around for somewhere to stay. We never really stayed in the same place; we would always just wander around, begging for money or stealing from shops. After a few times of almost getting in trouble, we started making trips back to the house for our things when Harvey was out, but one day we were almost caught, so we took whatever stuff we had and ran even further than before, and started our new lives as street rats." He finished. His eyes were closed again and he looked like he was having trouble breathing. I could tell it was hard for him to talk about all of this. I was probably the first person he'd told everything to.

"Sorry for spilling all of that out to you, you probably don't even care, it's not even that bad, I'm sorry, I should've just kept quiet." He hung his head in what looked like shame.

"Shut the fuck up, Vic."

"W-what?" His head shot up and he looked at me with wide eyes.

"Shut up, and stop talking like that." I ordered. He looked at me confused, and sad.

"W-what… I-I don't get…"

"You're always saying that you don't matter, that your life doesn't matter, and you're saying that you didn't go through anything at all. You fucking did, Vic, if I were you, I don't know how I would've gotten through it all. You act like you're nothing for sticking through that fucking messed up life, but I'm so proud of your for staying strong. I'm so glad that Mike found you when you tried to overdose, because then you wouldn't be with me right now, and I don't even know where I'd be right now if you weren't. Just stop fucking saying all these bad things about yourself, because you deserve to cry, and let it all out for once. I'm the first person you've told all this to, right?"

"Well, um, y-yeah…"

"See? You've never even let anyone else know about all of this. Stop acting like you're this terrible person that didn't go through much at all, because you did, and I really want to know that you're fucking amazing for being so strong." I finished in a shaky voice. He stared at me with wide eyes, not saying a word.

"Come here." I sighed, opening my arms for him. He crawled up next to me, pressing his head against my chest as I wrapped my arms around his back. I felt him start shaking again and I knew he was crying, but I wasn't going to say anything. He's allowed to cry.

Maybe ten more minutes later, he had stopped crying, and I was sure he was asleep. That is, until he raised his head to look at me through his bloodshot eyes.

"I-I really am sorry for making you listen to all of this." He said, his bottom lip trembling.

"It's fine Vic, I'm so proud of you for getting it all out, okay?" I whispered before kissing his forehead.

He nodded before laying his head against my chest again. We sat like that for a little while longer, until I remembered what had brought on the whole story time in the first place.

"Hey Vic?" I asked in a hushed tone in case he was sleeping.

"Mhmm?" he raised his head to look at me.

"So why were you crying earlier? You know, after you got off the phone?" I questioned, purposely leaving out Mike's name. He was such a terrible person; I didn't even want to speak about him.

"Oh, right… well… so my uncle, the drunken one that hates me and beat me all the time?" I nodded for him to continue.

"Yeah well, he might be coming for a little visit."


	12. Chapter 12

"Yeah well, he might be coming for a little visit."

Oh, hell no.

His uncle was coming here? The one that took away his only source of professional help, who murdered his own fucking wife because he's a fucking alcoholic? The homophobic one that full on tortured his own nephew by beating him and telling him he shouldn't be alive, making him insanely unstable mentally, and causing his life to be comparable to hell? No fucking way. There was no fucking way in _hell_ I would _ever _let that fucking mad man near my Vic. If he so much as laid a finger on him, or moved one hair on his head, I would fucking murder him, tear him apart with my own bare hands, until I was up to my knees in blood.

"What do you fucking mean, Vic." I seethed, dragging out each word slowly. It was sort of an attempt to calm myself, but it wasn't really working. Like, at all. If anything, it probably made me sound even angrier.

"Um, w-well Mike-,"

"Mike? Mike said something? I swear to fucking God-,"

"N-no, Kellin, please. M-Mike didn't do a-anything wrong. H-he's actually helping." He was getting scared and I could tell. I hated that I always got so angry so quickly, and most of the time, I didn't even have enough facts to actually be angry at someone in particular. I just got mad at nearly everyone. And I knew I was like a completely different person when I was in full on rage mode, and I didn't want to take any of that out on Vic.

"Sorry…" I breathed, closing my eyes and trying to relax. "So what do you mean, "might"?" I questioned in the same slow, lengthy way that was supposed to make me calmer. Again, though, it failed to help my situation.

"I-I, um, h-he…. W-when he called, he was warning me to u-um, be prepared, I guess, in case Harvey did show up." He stammered out quietly, obviously avoiding my eyes.

"And how the fuck would he find you in the first place?" I growled. I had this sickening feeling that Mike had something to do with this, like he had told his uncle where Vic was.

"W-well, t-the police, or the people at the, um, prison, or whatever, they… t-they wanted to know, um, they asked Mike where our parents were." He stuttered. These short answers weren't really helping anything, considering how fast my temper was rising. Just the thought of that son of a bitch Harvey alone was enough to get my blood boiling in a matter of seconds.

"And?" I rolled my eyes, annoyed that I had to fucking interrogate him just to get some information. It was all my fault, though. I was scaring him with how angry I was getting, even if I didn't mean to.

"A-and Mike lied and told them that they were o-out of town, o-or something… O-our parents, I mean. I don't know. B-but he said that they won't stop for a while until they find s-some sort of relative or guardian or something. T-they'll probably find Harvey eventually." He was barely even above a whisper now, slowly inching away from me.

"Well what the fuck is Mike doing about all of this? Is he even trying to help you?" I could feel my voice rising, so I took I closed my eyes and took another deep breath, waiting for Vic to continue.

"Um, h-he said that he'll try and hold them off for as long as he can. Harvey doesn't have m-many records anyway, so Mike said it could even be a month or two before they f-find him." He was backed in the corner now, cowering away from me and keeping his head down.

I hung my head, angrily grabbing fistfuls of my hair. "What the fuck!" I shouted at no one in particular. I quickly regretted it, though when I saw Vic flinch and sink down even further. "I…I'm sorry, Vic. I just… I really, really don't want you leaving me, especially if it means you'll be in the hands of that fucking demon spawn." I looked at him with apologetic eyes.

"I-it's okay, I-I guess. I don't want to leave, either. He's gonna h-hurt me again, though. I deserve it and everything but… He'll probably… H-he's going to kill me for running away, Kellin. Literally. He'll beat me until I die." Tears welled up in his eyes and I immediately felt my heart shatter. There was this awful feeling that I had in my stomach; like I knew that Vic was right. If Harvey had killed his own wife, someone that he supposedly loved, who's to say he wouldn't do the same to his nephew, someone who he had made it blatantly obvious that he hated?

I scooted over to him, pulling him into a hug. He buried his head into my chest, curling up against me, and I could feel my shirt getting damp with more of his tears. He was shaking, and I squeezed him so tightly, I was probably hurting him, if I wasn't already touching his cuts. But I felt like if I let go, then I really would lose him. It was amazing how much we were both depending on each other and acting like a couple; we had only met a little over a day ago. For a moment I felt really, really stupid for acting like I had known him for years and moving way too fucking fast, but I quickly brushed the feeling away. We were "more than friends," we were supposed to act like this. Maybe not at all to these extremes that may look insanely odd and too fast paced to other people, but I couldn't help it. I had a tendency to become attached to people way too quickly for my own good.

"I-I," I heard Vic try to speak, but his words fell in his failed attempt to make a sentence through his sobs.

"Shhh, it's alright. He's not going to touch you, Vic. I won't let him hurt you, I promise." I whispered, knowing full well that I would keep that promise no matter what it fucking took. Vic is mine. And I don't let other people touch things that belong to me. Especially people who are abusive drunken uncles with the intention of harm.

"It'll be okay if I die, though. I've wanted to be dead for a while." He mumbled.

As quickly as I could, I placed my hand on his cheek, lifting his head up and crushing my lips against his. When I pulled away, he looked at me with a terribly confused face.

"W-what...? W-why… why did you do that?" he breathed, his gaze flicking back and forth between my mouth to my eyes.

I shrugged. "It was the nicest way I could think of to shut you up. I don't ever want you saying you want to die. I don't know what I would do if you were dead, Vic. I don't want you leaving me." I told him with a kiss to his nose.

"Oh…" came his quiet response.

"…And because I really like kissing you." I said with a faint smile, giving his lips another soft peck.

His cheeks heated red and I giggled at how adorable he looked when he blushed. He just shook his head with a shy smile and leant his head back on my chest, snuggling up to me, just how he had when we had went to sleep together. I liked it when he did that.

I got lost in my thoughts (thoughts that may or may not have included creepy ways to possibly kill Harvey if he got in my way) and before I knew it, Vic's breathing was shallow and steady, meaning he had fallen asleep in my arms. I gently laid him down in my bed, pulling the sheets up over his body and kissing his forehead. I was glad he was getting some rest. I didn't know how much he slept before he came to the orphanage, but judging by the dark bags under his eyes, I guessed that it couldn't have been very often. And because the last time he tried to sleep, he woke up in the middle of the night to harm himself, it seemed he really needed some quality downtime.

"Kellin, you're staring at him like you want to eat him. You better not be planning to hurt him or something." Lucy said from behind me. After I broke my gaze with Vic's sleeping form - which I realized must've looked really, really creepy, even if I hadn't known I was doing it – I turned around to see Lucy narrowing her eyes at me from the doorway with a smirk. I recognized the humor in her voice, but she couldn't have said something like that at a more wrong time.

"That's not funny. I would never fucking hurt him. Ever." I growled lowly, glaring at her in a way that was supposed to look menacing and protective but probably ended up just looking stupid.

"Language, Kellin." She returned the dirty look and tone, glowering at me from a distance.

"Whatever." I replied. I honestly couldn't fucking care less about her and her fucking bullshit rules. I had bigger things to worry about now than whether or not to use the word fuck when I was around her.

She sighed with a roll of her eyes, and I felt a pang of guilt for being so rude to her all the time. The feeling faded, though, when she began ordering me around as usual.

"I need you to watch the younger kids again while I go make lunch." She commanded sternly.

Lunch? I could've sworn breakfast was only ten minutes ago. Time seemed to pass by a lot quicker when I was with Vic. I liked that he had affect on me.

"Why can't you watch the kids? Don't we have cooks to make the food?" I questioned, again feeling kind of bad for always being so… sassy. _Sassy. _It was such a gay word. I could almost laugh at the title; _Sassy Kellin_. I _was_ gay though, so I guess it was pretty fitting.

"Because the cooks are related; sisters, actually, and they've both just been called by some relatives about a family emergency. They had to leave right away. And you know what that means?" She asked with a smirk, her tone condescending.

"No, I don't. Please tell me. I'd be delighted to know. Overjoyed, if you will." I replied with another roll of my eyes. I wasn't really in a good mood, and even if it wasn't her fault, I seemed to just always take everything out on her. In the back of my mind, I secretly wished Vic would wake up so he would kiss me and I would feel all better. And so I would stop being such a bitchy little drama queen to Lucy.

"It means you get to watch the kids. By yourself, too. How fun." She said in a sickeningly sweet tone, sarcastically batting her eyelashes.

"Fucking fine." I groaned, pushing past her to walk down the hall, completely ignoring her no cursing rule.

"Have fun with Coco! She's told me all about the love stories she writes about you and Vic! And watch that foul mouth!" She shouted down the hallway and I could practically hear her smirking. She was enjoying this all too much.

"Kellin! Have you and Vic kissed each other yet?" Coco asked excitedly from her spot next to me on the floor, not bothering to look up from her baby doll to meet my eyes.

"What? No! No, we don't… no." I lied. I didn't know why I was stuttering. Maybe it was the fact that Vic and I's feelings towards each other seemed so obvious to her, and since she was only four, that was saying something about us. It made me nervous as to who else might've caught on to our… relationship, if you could even call it that.

"Mhmm, I bet you did! Was it on the mouth?!" She asked, forcing a plastic bottle into her own doll's mouth.

"No, Coco, stop it. We didn't kiss. We don't even like each other like that." I wasn't really sure why I was keeping it all from her, but then I remembered how she had ran around screaming about how Vic and I liked each other last time. I didn't want to put any more secrets into her big mouth for her to go spilling everywhere. I guess I must've just been afraid of what Lucy would do if she found out me and Vic were, um… together. She may be okay with dealing with orphans, but I didn't know how she would feel about two of those orphans being gay for each other and kissing each other "on the mouth" all the time.

"But me and Jennifer heard you guys talking to each other! You was like, "Vic I lovey love you" and then Vic said, "I lovey love you too, Kellin" and then you guys kissed, didn't you! Because then you guys stopped talking and it was quiet. Wasn't it quiet?!" she screeched in Jennifer's ear, who was sitting right next to her on the carpet, caring for a baby doll of her own. Jennifer raised her head and beamed at me, giggling and nodding excitedly.

They seemed way too into this whole relationship business. But the scary thing was, they knew what they were talking about.

"You two are ridiculous. Even if me and Vic did kiss-,"

Coco's loud shriek and the thud of her doll being thrown across the room cut me off. Did she really just throw her baby into a wall? What a bad mother. I guessed she cared more about if a gay couple had kissed or not than about giving her child head trauma.

"So you did kiss! Vic and Kellin are in love! Vic and Kellin are in love!" She squealed repeatedly, running in circles around the room. I looked around the room to see if any of the other kids were taking in Coco's scene, but none of them bothered to even glance. I figured that this was a normal thing for them, and they must be used to it by now.

"Yeah, Kellin and Vicky are gonna have babies together!" Jennifer chimed in, also neglecting her plastic child on the floor in front of her.

Coco appeared in front of me, bouncing up and down. "Are you really?! You and Vic are gonna have babies together? Can you name one of them Coco? Please?" She begged in a shrill voice.

"Coco, stop it, sit down. Vic and I aren't going to have babies. We're both boys, that's not even possible." I said.

"No, 'cause one time I saw two boys come in here and they got one of my friends as their daughter! So just because they are boys doesn't mean that they can't still have a family!" She informed me, waving her finger in my face.

I sighed, knowing she was right about that. But what she had been saying before was that two men could physically _make_ babies together, and that wasn't possible. Sex, however, _was_ a possibility…

"Okay, okay. You're right. But me and Vic aren't in love, okay? So stop saying that." I looked at her sternly, trying my best to get my point across.

"Fine," she sighed, "But me and Jennifer are still gonna draw pictures of you and Vic in love together. That's what we did yesterday. Show him the picture!" She told Jennifer, her voice rising again with excitement.

Jennifer nodded eagerly, and for some odd reason I took a mental note that she didn't really talk much. She never seemed to stop when she was with Vic, though. I guess he must've had a special affect on her. He had a special affect on me, too. He was just so… _likeable._

A colorful but poorly drawn picture was pushed in front of me. I quickly recognized the two stick figures in the middle to be Vic and me. There were hearts drawn all around us, and the word "Love" was written at the bottom in red crayon.

I laughed, handing it back to Jennifer with a nod. "It's good. I like it. But Vic and I aren't in love. So don't draw that kind of stuff anymore." Jennifer nodded in understanding, but Coco wasn't as willing as to give up on Vic and I's "love" just yet.

"If you guys aren't in love, then why did you just say that you like the picture?" She asked with her hands on her hips.

"Because it was pretty."

"You think Vic is pretty."

"Do not!"

"Do to!"

"Coco…" I sighed, bringing my hands to my face in frustration. "How many times do I have to say it; I don't love Vic, he doesn't love me, and we're not in love. Understood?" I said in a stern voice.

"I think he's in The Nile." She whispered loudly to Jennifer, keeping her eyes on me.

"What's that?" Jennifer replied in the same not-so-quiet tone.

"Mrs. Maria told me when people keep saying no to stuff, that means they's in The Nile."

It took me a few more seconds to realize that she meant in _denial._

"Oh." Jennifer responded, eyeing me suspiciously, like being "in The Nile" made me a criminal or something.

I just shook my head, giving up on trying convincing them that I wasn't in love with Vic. It's possible -very possible, actually - that I could love him one day. But that day was probably way further in the future. It's not like he would ever love me back, though.

"Go play with your doll or something." I commanded, pointing to the abandoned baby doll that had been flung across the room. She huffed and stomped away to go retrieve her child, slumping down on the ground once she had it in hand. As If on cue, the lunch bell rang, and I sprung up from my seat on the floor, immediately heading straight for Vic.

I opened the door with a grin, missing him and ready to cover him in kisses. He didn't really seem as happy to see me, though. I was greeted by Vic thrashing and rolling around in the bed, whimpering and moaning with tears running down his face.


	13. Chapter 13

"_N-no, stop, please! I'm so sorry, I swear, I'll never leave again!" I shouted, but it was no use. His fist connected with my gut in an awful blow, sending pain all throughout my stomach. He kicked me when I fell to the floor, and was merciless as the hits kept coming. It was like I couldn't even feel them, though. The first punch always seemed to be the worst. He wouldn't quit, until I somehow managed to sob out, "Harvey, Stop!" He gripped his hand around my throat and pulled me up so that I was standing again, shoving me against the wall and lifting me up until my feet weren't even touching the ground. _

"_Don't you dare fucking say my name. You aren't fucking worthy enough to even speak. Talking to me, fucking saying my name, is like talking to your god. I control you; you do as I say. You don't speak unless you're told to. Do you fucking understand that?"_

_His hand was gripping my neck tighter, and I was having an extremely difficult time breathing, let alone talking. But I wasn't allowed to speak anyway, so I frantically nodded my head, praying that he would set me back down on the ground and permit some air into my lungs again. But my prayers were left unanswered, as his hand only gripped tighter and his fingers dug into my throat. I was clawing at his hand, trying to get him to release me, but he wasn't having it. He just squeezed and squeezed, and soon enough, I was falling into blackness._

"_Vic!" Someone screamed in the distance, and I wanted to respond, but I couldn't do anything. I was dying, I couldn't move, or speak, or take my eyes away from that insanely evil grin my murderous uncle had etched into his face._

"_Vic!" It called again, desperately, closer this time. Harvey began shaking me in his grasp, my head banging against the wall with each of his movements._

_The voice was getting closer, not giving up, yelling my name over and over. But I couldn't call back, couldn't tell them that I was fine, that it was okay that I was going to be dead in a matter of seconds. Just as I was finally being pulled down under, seeing my last bit of the world, with Harvey snarling a sick, satisfied smirk-_

"Vic, fucking wake up!" Kellin was shaking me hopelessly, finally pulling me from my nightmare. He sounded distraught, and so many other things as well. Sad, something that sounded angry and overall just scared. My eyes fluttered open, and before I could even register what was happening, his arms were around me in a hug that was so tight it probably would've hurt if I hadn't found comfort in it.

"Fuck, oh my God… I-I'm sorry, you were crying and yelling and I didn't know what to do." He sounded like he was about to cry, too , but instead of having tears in his eyes, his face just showed and extremely worried expression.

He seemed so glad to be able to pull me from my nightmare, and I was thankful that he did, but I still wasn't feeling really okay. My stomach was hurting and cramping like hell, like I could still feel the pain from Harvey's fist. I also still felt like I couldn't breathe, like he was still choking me, killing me with one hand in a matter of seconds. I couldn't speak, couldn't tell Kellin that I was still in trouble; it was almost as if my nightmare had become a reality.

After staring at me confusedly for a few more moments, Kellin's eyes widened as he seemed to catch on. He pulled me up by my shoulders, sitting me up in bed and throwing the sheets off of me. With the way I shivered, I could tell he was contemplating putting them back over me, but after feeling my forehead and having sweat drench his hand, he seemed to decide against it because he didn't reach for them again.

"A-are you okay? I mean, fuck, I know you aren't okay, but just… what do you need me to do? Like… uh, can I get you anything?" I could tell he was really freaking out, because he wasn't used to this at all, and I felt even worse because I still couldn't bring myself to respond to him.

My heart was beating faster and faster and I was sure that if I shook any harder I would've fallen apart. Kellin brought his hands to my face, wiping away as many tears as he could whilst more and more still poured down my face.

"I-I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have left you alone…" He was looking me straight in the eyes, but I found extreme discomfort in eye contact, especially when I was having a fucking mental breakdown, so I quickly looked away, forcing my gaze to the door instead, which didn't turn out to be much better. All I could think of was Harvey busting through it, coming to bring me my impending, inevitable death. Kellin didn't even need to turn around to know that there was no one standing in the doorway. He just grabbed my hands, rubbing the backs of them with his thumbs, trying to get me through what I usually suffered through alone.

"Just breathe, Vic. It's okay; just take a deep breath-,"

"I-I can't." I choked. My breath was falling short, like I couldn't get enough into my lungs at a time.

"What do you mean you can't? Of course you can-,"

"N-no, I can't. I can't breathe. I can't, I-,"

"Vic, look at me." He interrupted me and I did as I was told.

"Breathe."

"I-,"  
"No, you can, Vic. You're going to be okay. Just breathe- In, and out. Come on, do it with me." He instructed, and inhaled, waiting a few seconds before letting it out. He kept taking long, dramatic breaths before I finally joined him, closing my eyes and breathing shakily; in and out, in and out.

After a few more minutes, my attack had finally finished. I no longer felt dizzy, or felt any kind of discomfort for that matter, although I was still shaking quite a lot and I hadn't stopped crying.

"Are you better?" Kellin asked nervously, like he was afraid he hadn't helped and I was still panicking.

I nodded, instantly leaning forward into his arms, needing some sort of comfort or embrace or touch, just to take my mind away from my sinister relative that happened to be a killer and would be out to get me soon.

"I'm sorry; I didn't know what to do… I-I wished I could have helped you." He mumbled against my neck, squeezing his arms around my lower back in a tight hug.

"No, y-you did fine, you're fine…" I trailed off. I was telling the truth; he did a hell of a lot better than Mike ever did. Then again, now that I think about it, Mike was probably always high when I first started coming to him during my panic attacks. So that's why I stopped running to him for help. I suffered my breakdowns alone, and I was so used to that now; not having anyone to talk to or help me through it. That was part of the reason why I couldn't speak to Kellin- I didn't even know what to say. That, and the fact that I felt like I would die because I couldn't breathe.

"Okay…" he whispered against my skin, but the uncertainty was clear in his voice.

"I'm sorry I'm always freaking out on you. Are you sure you even want to still… be with me? I know that I'm only trouble for you, and I don't want to be a bother and I'm not even sure why you like me in the first place and-," he silenced me with his lips pressed against mine forcefully.

"This is the last time I'm saying this, Vic; stop putting yourself down." He murmured into my mouth in between pecks.

"I don't think there's anything that would make me like you any less, and the trouble that you are is a good thing, not a flaw. It makes you perfect, in a weird way. There's too many different reasons why I like you; they would take way too long to say." He was placing kisses all over my face now; around the corners of my mouth, my nose, my cheeks, forehead.

"I'm sure there's not that many; I have some time." I giggled as he began twirling his fingers in my hair. The only reason I wanted to hear what he had to say, was so I could shoot down everything that he thought was good about me. I was insanely curious as to why he would find even the slightest bit of interest in me, and I wanted to know what he liked about my pathetic existence.

"Yeah, I have some time too." Our cutesy moment was interrupted by a condescending voice from the other side of the room; a strong, commanding female voice that I could recognize in a second.

Oh shit.


	14. Chapter 14

"Hi Lucy." Kellin sighed, resting his forehead against mine. His warm breath ghosted over my face, and it took everything to not shudder at the feeling in front of our… guest.

"Why hello there Kellin, Vic." She said smugly, nodding at the both of us.

"How long have you been standing there?" Kellin asked, pulling his face away from mine to give the caretaker a blank stare. It was like he wasn't even bothered by the fact that we had just been caught. I knew he was pretty good at hiding his emotions, though, save for whatever he felt when we kissed and obviously anger.

"Long enough." She retorted, the smirk on her face answering Kellin's question.

"What did you see?"

"What do you think I saw?"

"Can you just answer my questions?"

"I don't have to answer to you, Kellin. I'm in charge here, remember?"

"Why are you being so difficult?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Lucy…" He was getting frustrated, and it was obvious enough that she finally snapped and began giving him what he wanted.

"Well, I've been standing here long enough to see you two attached to each other's faces, and your little scene that looked like it was from a chick flick. Is there something you'd like to tell me?" She was smirking again. At least she didn't seem mad; she was probably more amused than anything. What was funny though, I'm not sure. I didn't see the comedy in walking in on two orphan boys kissing each other. Or maybe I just don't have that great of a sense of humor.

"Not sure, maybe you should think back to us kissing and being all cute with each other." Kellin rolled his eyes, his voice smothered with sarcasm that always seemed to pick up whenever Lucy was around. It was kind of snarky and honestly quite rude how he always disrespected her, but all of his nasty comments and replies never seemed to faze her. She must be so used to it by now, since she usually just responds with a sassy remark of her own.

"So you two are a couple?"

He looked at me hesitantly, like he was asking for my permission, or rather, silently asking if her assumption was false or not. Were we a couple? It seemed really idiotic of us to label things so quickly. I felt pretty stupid for going around kissing and hugging and cuddling with this boy that I'd known for less than two days, but my brain was fucked up anyway, so common sense didn't really come easily to me. I gave Kellin a shrug in response, allowing him to give our little crush fest a name.

"You tell me." He answered Lucy finally, giving her an undefined response for her to figure out on her own. She narrowed her eyes at him, as if she was trying to tell if he was being sassy as usual, or if he really was being genuine.

"Well if you were, you two would be adorable. You should definitely consider it, if you aren't already in a relationship." She shrugged, winking at the both of us and turning to walk out. She stopped before she was out the door though, giving us a stern, "But absolutely no sex, got it?" and not waiting for our answer before striding out into the hallway with a smirk, closing the door behind her.

Well, that was embarrassing.

At least she didn't have a problem with gay displays of affection, or else that could've gone terribly wrong. I couldn't even imagine what she would've done if she was homophobic. An image of Lucy calling up my uncle to yell at him to take his gay nephew away flashed through my mind, and I had to shake my head to clear my thoughts.

"You okay?" Kellin finally spoke up, a faint smile hinting at his lips. Why did everyone find this so funny?

"I guess so. That was just kind of… awkward. How did you know she didn't have a problem with gays?"

"I didn't." He laughed. "That could have gone a lot worse than it did."

"Yeah…"

"Really though, are you alright with us being a couple… or whatever the fuck this is?"

That was the question I'd been dreading to hear. To be completely honest, I was very alright with us being a couple, but I feel like it would make a lot more sense to become that in the future, not when we've only known each other for a little over a day. I wasn't complaining about the closeness we were developing, though. Maybe we were just experimenting, using the word even if we weren't at that level yet, but it all seemed really senseless for us to be doing… whatever it is we're doing.

"I like you, but it's just weird because we don't even really know each other and I feel dumb for moving so fast and… I don't know." I answered truthfully, because I really didn't know.

He laughed, which was not the response I was expecting.

"Yeah, I mean, it's kind of stupid to be acting like this when we're barely even acquainted and stuff, but… This might sound really fucking cliché, but it's kind of like Romeo and Juliet. I'm not saying I would die for you and all that, but with how they had this huge love story in the course of like a week or whatever… I just feel like that's what we're doing. It seems stupid, but if it was okay for them to do it, then it should be okay for us too, you know?"

I hadn't even thought of it like that. Romeo and Juliet fell in love at first sight, and their whole relationship was so forbidden and insane that they ended up directly and indirectly killing four people before they themselves died as well. Now, I wouldn't say I would kill myself if I found Kellin dead, but I can definitely say I wouldn't be happy about it. I'm not willing to kill anybody either, but I felt a little better knowing that our situation had been thought of before. We were labeled as a couple now, which meant the part that was supposed to be gradual is done with and out of the way now. Everything else after this should be slower moving. We're not in love, and although we're both a little fucked up, it's not entirely insane to be doing what we're doing. We're just moving at a faster pace than what most people would consider normal. And I, for one, was okay with that.

"Yeah, I get what you mean… I guess we should just take things easy or whatever, from now on. Like neither of us are going to be leaving anytime soon, at least for a couple of months, so if we knew we liked each other, or at least felt… attracted to each other, then becoming a couple was bound to happen eventually, right? We're just going faster than we should, but it's all stuff that would've happened anyway." I rambled, surprising myself for my lack of stuttering.

"Right. Yeah. You're right. We're just… weird." He smiled at me, causing me to blush. There was something about his smile that was addicting, in a way. The fact that it didn't come around very often made me like it even more, like it was some rare obscurity that I treasured and adored whenever it came around. That sounded extreme, but if you saw his smile for yourself, and as little as I did, then you would probably have the same thoughts as me.

"Weird." I repeated, testing the word. It sounded alright, and if that's what we were calling ourselves now, it sounded even better, because it was very fitting. We weren't psychotic, love-crazed teenagers that didn't know what they were doing. We just liked each other. We were different, pretty dumb, and just… weird.

And if he was fine with that, then I was too.

"But really, haven't you ever wondered why there aren't seatbelts on busses? Like, the car or whatever that holds the most people has the least amount of safety. Isn't that just kind of dumb?" Kellin asked me as we were boarding the orphanage's old, run down bus. It was six days later, Saturday, the day of the week that all the kids went on a trip away of the building just to get outside and move around. We were heading to a park; nothing too exciting, but I wasn't really expecting much.

"Why are you so worried about seatbelts? Do you like to wear them?" I joked, sliding into a seat in the very back of the bus with Kellin following suit.

"No, but we're on a bus right now, and if we got in a wreck, you aren't wearing a seatbelt, and you could get hurt." He said, turning the subject of conversation on me. Ever since the incident with Lucy, he'd been acting all sweet and cute and mushy, and I sort of liked it. We'd only kissed once all week, which was weird, but we were still sleeping in the same bed, so I guess it sort of evened out. I would like to say that I hadn't self harmed since we "got together", but that wouldn't be the truth. Even if Kellin could make me happy at times, there was still that voice in my mind telling me all of these evil, terrible things that I knew were lies, but I listened anyway. I would probably never tell Kellin that I was doing it behind his back, though. He didn't need to be worrying about me. After all, we'd only been a so called, "couple" for six days now. It's not like he even cared that much after such a short time.

"Well, you'd just have to deal with that then, wouldn't you?" I grinned at him.

"Don't even talk like that, Vic." His eyes locked onto mine, his tone becoming serious.

I looked away, brushing off the conversation with a nervous laugh. "Whatever you say, Kellin."

With all of the seats filled, the bus started moving, taking us to whatever park we were going to. The kids were chattering and bouncing and climbing over seats, showing their excitement in a rather loud way. But I could understand why they were eager to get out of that building; it was so plain and stuffy and could be quite boring at times, so I tried my best to not let their noisy antics bother me.

"What are we even going to do at a park? Trees and shit are so _boring."_ Kellin complained, rolling his eyes.

"Stop cursing all the time. And I don't know, maybe there will be like, gardens and stuff to walk through?" I suggested, even though I wasn't very fond of the idea myself. Parks, especially the ones with playgrounds, might be entertaining for younger kids, but for seventeen year olds, it wasn't as much fun. The caretakers should really be more considerate towards us when picking our "field trip" location.

"But I don't want to walk through a fucking _garden._" He whined, leaning his head on my shoulder.

"Well, there's nothing I can do about it, so stop fussing." I told him, and even though a frown formed on his face, he did as he was told anyway and kept his mouth shut.

The rest of the bus ride was still filled with loads of squeals and giggles and conversations from the other kids, but it was quiet on Kellin and I's part. I had the window seat, so I was just staring out it the whole time, not many thoughts running through my head and taking in all of the trees and buildings and people that we passed. I felt like I was in high school all over again; on a bus, silently dreading where I was being transported to. Except now, the head resting on my shoulder kept me from being alone, and there weren't any bullies or just straight up pricks teasing me and messing with me from the seats in front.

After maybe fifteen minutes, the bus screeched to a halt, the driver carelessly lurching all of us forward as she parked in front of our destination. It looked nice enough; a set of swings, a jungle gym, a couple slides here and there, all resting in a huge layout of sand. Looking beyond the play area, I could see path leading away from the main picnic sites, winding through a large design of familiar flowers and other greenery, stretching across a bridge that covered a small pond filled with ducks and sneaking into the "trees and shit" to form what I guessed was a hiking trail. Over all, it seemed like a good place to hang out if you just wanted to spend time with your friends or something, but I knew Kellin would probably be too impatient to want to just hang out and walk around. I wasn't exactly excited for more of his groans and grumbles about how bored he was.

"See, I told you it was going to be boring. There's not even anything out there!" He started his griping right away, peering over my shoulder out the window and giving his opinion on the scenery in front of us.

"Well, if you don't like it, you can stay in here." I retorted, standing up as the kids starting filing off of the bus and running to play in the sand.

I made it about halfway up the aisle before turning around, noticing that Kellin was taking up on my suggestion and wasn't following behind me. I gave him a look that sort of said, "Are you kidding me?", rolling my eyes at the pouting boy in the corner.

"Come on, Kellin. Do you really want to stay in here with her?" I said a little louder than I should have, jerking my head in the direction of the fat bus driver up front. She shot me a death glare in the mirror, but I quickly turned my head back to Kellin, pretending I hadn't seen.

He laughed, rolling his eyes and standing. "I guess not. But if this is as fucking boring as I think it's going to be, I'm blaming you for not letting me stay on here." He muttered, motioning for me to walk forward so he could move.

Just as we were getting off of the bus, I made sure to look at the driver, mouthing a, "Sorry" before exiting the vehicle. I didn't usually like to be rude to people, but it was for Kellin's sake. I'm sure he would've just ended up annoying her anyway, so in a way, she should almost be thanking me. Some people are just so inconsiderate.

"Victor." Kellin dragged out my name, leaning back in the grass to lie on his back. It was about two hours later, which meant we didn't have much time left before we got to leave. How we made it through, I'm not sure, but with Kellin screaming at the ducks in the pond and picking the flowers off from the walkway when there were about thirty signs telling him not to, we both seemed to get tired out. So we settled down in the grass, under one of the bigger trees further along the pathway, distancing ourselves from the caretakers and kids to just be alone and talk. It was nice, having someone you were pretty much comfortable around no matter what. I liked that he had that affect on me.

"What?" I mocked in the same whiney tone. If he was going to be bitchy, then I was too.

"I'm so _bored_. When the fuck can we fucking leave this fucking fuck of a fucking fuck park." He grumbled, looking up at me and frowning.

"Okay, first of all, you really need to stop cussing all the time, and I don't know, Lucy gave a ten minute warning not too long ago, so we should be going back soon." I answered him, rolling my eyes at the pout he had on his face that hadn't seemed to leave the whole time we'd been here.

He crossed his arms over his chest, glowering up at the clouds in the sky, although they hadn't done anything to him and he really needed to quit being so childish about this. If anything, he should be grateful he got out of that cramped building for a while. But I guess he didn't really see this as freedom, though, seeing as he could just hop the fence in the back and go outside whenever he pleased.

A comfortable silence fell over us as I let my mind wander and Kellin held his staring contest with the sky. Everything was going fine, and I could've sworn there was no way things could be more peaceful. That is, until a rude voice that obviously belonged to a smoker broke the quiet and serenity of the remainder of our park time.

"Hey look, it's sharkboy!"


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Apologies, excuses, blah blah blah. I've been sick, like actually disease ridden, and I am sorry to the 1/3 people that actually care for the late and super short, super sucky update. Ok I'm done. You can read now. **

"Hey look, it's sharkboy!"

I stood from my spot in the grass as quickly as I could; ready to take on any challenge or opponent. It didn't matter the strength or size- fuck, I would even pick a fight with a former prisoner if it meant protecting Vic from someone who helped make his life hell for no reason at all.

"Who the fuck are you?" I questioned, stepping in front of the tall, muscular boy to block Vic from his line of vision. He looked like a punk, that was for sure. Long, greasy, jet black hair that was splayed and spiked at the top, tattoos all over his arms and neck, dark eyeliner masking his eyes and a style sense that sort of said "I don't give a fuck" and "Don't mess with me" at the same time. I could see how Vic wouldn't want to stand up to this guy, but I had no problem kicking his ass.

"Oh, sharkboy's got a boyfriend now? Always knew he was a faggot. Did he tell you about his mom? How he killed her and all that shit? Such a sad story, but if the fucking prick knew how to not be a fucking screw up all the time, that wouldn't have happened now, would it?" The bully completely ignored my question, leaning to the side and catching Vic's eye.

"You shut the fuck up about his mom. He didn't kill anybody. Who the fuck are you to talk about his life anyway?" I snarled, somehow keeping my voice down. For now, at least. But I knew that if this guy kept this up any longer, it wouldn't end very well for him.

"Aw, Victor didn't tell you about me?" He sneered, pushing past me to begin pacing circles around a now standing Vic, eyeing him up and down.

"I'm Ronnie, sharkboy and I were good… _friends_ in high school, weren't we?" He asked Vic in a low voice, placing his hand on his shoulder and giving it a rough squeeze. "It's such a shame you killed your aunt too, though. Poor Clara, she was such a nice lady. Her brownies were so great, too." Ronnie teased, twirling Vic's hair in his fingers.

I don't know why I had let him go as far as to even get past me, but now I was done with this Ronnie fucker.

"Okay, yeah, I think you should go now." I commanded more than suggested, grabbing Vic's trembling hand and pulling him towards me, throwing an arm around his waist in a protective manner.

"Really though, where have you been, Victor? We all missed you when you stopped coming to school. It was so fun beating the shit out of you all the time!" He was growling now, his menacing glower going along quite well with his shit-eating grin.

He was advancing towards us slowly, smirking, his eyes flickering between me and Vic. I felt Vic try to pull away from my grasp to run, but I had to show him to not be afraid, to teach him to stand up for himself.

"You look scared." Ronnie teased, his face incredibly close to Vic's.

"I-I, no, I-," Vic attempted to make a sentence, but he really _was _scared, I could tell.

Ronnie laughed, slowly inching closer to Vic, and me as well. He was so close, I could smell him, and he smelled terrible; like weed, cigarettes, alcohol and cheap hairspray.

"Do something." He breathed, but Vic didn't budge. I squeezed his waist tighter to try and get him to take the hint that he needed to stand up for himself, but he didn't seem to understand.

"Fucking knew it. You can't do anything." The punk had stopped moving, now as close to Vic as I would permit him to be. Vic flinched at his words, screwing his eyes shut and just barely making an effort to slip away.

"Why don't you just go kill yourself like you tried to in the God damn ninth grade."

Fuck this.

I threw a punch, connecting my fist with Ronnie's jaw, eliciting a pleasing crack from the breaking bone. They always say the first punch is the worst.

Everything after that was a blur. I was beyond mad now, so furious with not only Ronnie, but anyone and everyone else who had ever messed with Vic. I was taking it all out on the only person I could find, and I had no shame in that at all. I was completely aware that there would be consequences, but in the spur of the moment, I was just having a good time beating up the son of a bitch who dared to touch what was mine.

I vaguely remember feeling a few hits in my own face and gut before knocking the pot-head to the ground, getting in a few more blows on his bloodied head before I was pulled off by a very feisty Lucy, whose scolding screams never stopped until we made it to the bus. I'm not sure what happened to Ronnie after that, but I can say for sure that I don't give a fuck at all. He deserved what he got, and that was that.

Vic didn't even try talking to me on the bus ride back, even though I wish he would have. I loved that I showed that fucking punk who was boss, but I hated that it scared Vic in the process. My angry side was not one of my best features, and the last thing I wanted to come out of that fight was Vic pushing me away. I was upset more than anything now; with Ronnie, with Lucy and with myself most of all. I was so tired of fucking everything up all the time. I didn't have to punch the guy's face in to teach him a lesson- simply pulling Vic away from him and back to the bus would have been fine. But I'm such a fucking idiot; I have to taste blood to be satisfied. I just wish I knew how to control myself.

When we made it back to the orphanage, Lucy ordered all of the kids outside to the crappy area out back. I knew that it sucked out there, but nearly all of them were shaken up from seeing both Lucy and I's anger, and the whole beat-down of course, so they obliged quickly without a word. Once the last kid was out the door, I knew I had it coming for me.

"Start talking." Was all Lucy said, giving me a glare that showed both her anger and disappointment in me. I couldn't decide which was worse.

I gave a quick glance to Vic who was standing beside me, sort of asking for help in "explaining myself", but he looked away like he was still terrified that my wrathful behavior would start up again. I shook my head, mentally slapping myself for even thinking Vic would talk Lucy through it with me. He was just as startled as all of the other kids had been, since he had seen it first hand, and everything was my fault anyway. I don't know when I'm going to stop being so stupid all the time.

"Well, that fucker-,"

"Watch your mouth." She ordered, and I nodded in understanding, knowing that now really wasn't the time to disobey her no swearing rule.

"Sorry. That _guy_, he was messing with Vic. They went to high school together, and Ronnie, that's his name, he bullied him and beat him up all the time. He was saying all of these terrible things, and if I wasn't there, he probably would have been on Vic in a second. I was just trying to protect him from getting hurt."

"So, just because someone says something you don't like, that gives you the right to break their jaw, nose and wrist?"

I smirked at the thought of Ronnie bandaged up and covered in bruises from my very own fists. That wasn't even the beginning of what I could do to him. If I hadn't been stopped, he could even be in the hospital.

"I'm sorry, I just didn't want Vic to get hurt, and if I wasn't there, trust me, he would have been. That guy was a pot-head, a loser going nowhere in life with nothing better to do than to pick on people smaller than him. He was accusing Vic of killing his own mother! It's just not fair, and I'm sorry, but I couldn't stand for that."

Lucy's face fell a bit, showing that she sort of understood where I was coming from, but I knew that I wasn't exempt from punishment. I had hurt somebody- actually cracked their bones and drew blood from their body. That wasn't okay, no matter how much of a dick they were.

"Okay, I think I understand all that happened now, but… It still doesn't make what you did right, Kellin."

I nodded, averting my eyes from the let-down look she was giving me.

"So, you'll be helping with meal prep for the next two weeks, and you'll be sleeping in the spare bed in the 4-10 year old room. You can't talk to Vic for as long as your punishment goes for, and if you do, I'll only drag it all out longer. Are we clear?"

No, we are most definitely _not _fucking _clear._ Two whole weeks without speaking to Vic, kissing Vic, sleeping in the same bed as Vic, cuddling with Vic- it was like torture. He could have a panic attack while I'm gone, or could cut himself again, or could overdose or just need a hug and I _couldn't be there for him_. Lucy could tie me up, strangle me, make me apologize to Ronnie, even break my jaw, wrist and nose to show me how it felt. But taking Vic away from me was one of the worst things she could possibly do, and I wasn't even completely sure why. It wasn't like I was in love with him or anything like that.

"Okay." I said, even though I was almost the complete opposite of "okay" with the situation. This was going to be a long fucking two weeks, that was for sure.


	16. Chapter 16

"You can sleep in the bed next to mine!" Coco squealed as she latched onto my hand, dragging me across the room to the beds in the corner. The whole "punishment" thing was already bad enough, but I have a feeling Lucy knew what she was doing when she put me in the 4-10 year old room, and I hated her even more for making me put up with Coco for two weeks. Being away from Vic was already something I hated, but having to color pictures of princesses with Coco and dodge the toys that she flung across the room was going to make the whole thing suck even more.

"So Vicky is all alone now?" Jenifer spoke up once in her usual quiet voice after I had put my clothes away and sat on the bed. When I had to take two weeks' worth of clothes with me, I felt like I was going on a trip or vacation or something, but in reality, it was far from it. I only had to transfer my clothes from room to room because Lucy didn't even want me near Vic, and apparently being near his bed to get a change of clothes was too close for her.

"Yeah, but it's all my fault." I admitted to the shy girl, feeling guilty when her face fell. Since both her and Coco seem to think Vic and I are in love, they probably also think that us being apart will be the end of our lives. I wouldn't say my whole world was crumbling around me, but I wasn't exactly happy about any of the whole ordeal.

"Is it 'cause you hit that scary guy?" Coco chimed in, making me roll my eyes by how she called him "the scary guy". Ronnie wasn't scary, and he wasn't intimidating. He just knew how to pick his words well, to form a sentence that would taunt you and hurt you verbally. He didn't actually_ look_ frightening, though- just like a druggie that didn't know what showers were.

"Yeah, but he's not scary though, he just tries to be. He was being mean so I had to hit him or else he would've hit Vic." I explained to them, trying to teach the four year olds how douche-bags and dick heads worked, the stuff outside of all the toys and games and rounds of hide-and-seek.

"So are you sad that you and Vic are in different rooms now?" Coco continued with her interrogation, her big brown eyes begging to know the full story on why Vic and I's love story had been put on hiatus for two weeks.

I shrugged and nodded, not trusting my words, seeing as anything I said would be flipped and turned around, and soon enough Coco would be screaming and running around the room again about how I had just admitted that I was in love with my roommate.

"Are you sad that you can't kiss him?" She pressed on, a smirk playing at her lips as she thought of the scene of two boys kissing. It was sort of- okay, very annoying how she always accused me of having such strong feelings for the boy, but if anything, her constant love stories would make the fourteen days go by a little faster, and it was a good thing she wasn't taught to be homophobic.

"We never kissed in the first place, Coco. Stop assuming all of these things that aren't true. We haven't kissed, we're not a couple, and we're not in love, okay?" I shot her down, lying straight to her face. I wasn't in love with him, and I was still sort of unsure as to where we stood in terms of relationships, but we had kissed, and fuck, it was perfect every time. I wasn't going to let Coco know that, though. Like I said before, she would turn my whole sentence against me and change it into something else, probably about how I wanted to have babies with him or something. I had to choose my words carefully, because she was way too into this whole love business.

"I think you guys did kiss, and you just aren't telling us. It was on the mouth, I bet." She stated more than suggested, and I gave up on arguing with her, seeing as I most likely would never convince her otherwise and get her to shut up. She was already looking around the room in a dazed sort of way anyway, probably imagining some ridiculous thought about Vic and I's future family.

"How long are you gonna stay in our room?" Jennifer spoke up softly, so quiet I almost didn't hear her over Coco talking to herself as she scribbled out another picture on the floor next to me. "Two weeks." I told her, and her face sort of fell again, like she felt sorry for me and Vic- the two gay lovers that had to be apart for ages.

"Look!" Coco shrieked, barely even waiting for me to turn my head to her before forcing a piece of paper with colorful marks of crayons in front of my face. I squinted my eyes to try and make out the figures, but this drawing was even worse than the last one, and it was sort of difficult to see the odd lines and shapes as actual people.

"Do you like it?" she asked from behind the paper, finally pulling it away from my face and turning it over to admire it for herself.

"What is it?" My voice was smothered with boredom. How could I _not _be bored, though? There was nothing in the kids' room that would be of interest to any seventeen year old. Unless he was into gluing glitter and cotton balls to pieces of construction paper and braiding the tangled hair of a wretched, scratched up Barbie.

Coco looked up at me and rolled her eyes, acting as if whatever was on the paper was obvious to see. "It's you and Vic, you dumb-dumb. It's you guys when you get married. And that's your dog named Jennifer." She explained, pointing at a brown figure with sticks poking out at the bottom for what she said to be the dog.

"Why am I the dog?!" Jennifer protested, frowning in objection to being labeled as an animal. "'Cause I don't wanna be it!" Coco rolled her eyes again, ignoring Jennifer's pout and looking down to her drawing again.

"Which one is Vic?" I asked, still having trouble making sense of all of the scribbles on the paper. Her finger moved to point at a stick figure with long brown lines coming off of its head and what I saw to be a dress.

"Is he in a dress?" I questioned, giving her an odd look. It would be safe to say that Vic was the girl in the relationship- if whatever our weird fucked up thing was could even be called that- but she obviously didn't understand how gay marriages worked. Just because traditional weddings had one of the lovers in a dress because one was typically a girl, didn't mean that one of the males in a gay marriage would have to be in a bridal gown.

"Duh! One of you has to be in the dress or else it won't be a real wedding. And Vic is more like a girl than you, 'cause he has longer hair." She walked me through her reasoning, making me shake my head at how silly she was. I wasn't going to explain the whole picture of a gay wedding to her though. It would just be a waste of time, and her fantasies were sort of entertaining, in a way.

"Do you want to visit Vic?" Jennifer asked me without taking her eyes off of the picture, giving it a strange look as well, because Coco's drawing skills were fair from extraordinary, even to another four year old.

"Well, yeah, we're friends." I said. "Friends that kiss on the mouth and are in love." Coco piped up, staying focused on surrounding the two stick figures on the drawing with poorly drawn pink and red hearts.

I ignored Coco's comment and looked to Jennifer for her reaction, waiting for a response. "Are you allowed to see him?" She asked anxiously, like she already knew the answer and was feeling sorry for us again.

I shook my head, giving her an awkward sort of smile to tell her that is was okay- that me and Vic would be fine without each other for a little while. It wasn't like it was a lie. Vic and I weren't even dating or together or whatever the fuck you call it. Just… more than friends. I purposely avoided the term "friends with benefits", because that always made me think that we were just using each other to have a kissing partner, and that was far from the case. I really didn't know what to call it, and we were definitely insane for being so careless and free and expressive when he had known each other for a week, but I like him, and whenever we kissed, I couldn't help but feel that whatever we were doing felt… weird. Not weird in a bad way, but weird in a good way, like our little crushing spree was okay, and right.

"But you're gonna sneak out to see him, aren't you?" Coco took her eyes off of her drawing again, looking at me to show off her knowing smirk. I shrugged, not giving her a definite answer, because I really wasn't even sure. Part of me knew that it was okay to be away from Vic for a little while, that we could both handle being separated for two weeks. But the other half of me was just dying to see him, craving his smile, his eyes, his attention, and just _him_, even if breaking Lucy's rules meant possibly getting into even more trouble. The more risky side of me- that the other reasonable half was slowly giving in to -didn't seem to care about the possible consequences, about the fact that my punishment could be furthered into even harsher circumstances. But that side of me was also the side that was having a tough time being normal and thinking straight. In other words, the half, soon to be whole of me, that was being slowly driven insane by a very adorable Mexican boy that was oh so innocent but fucked up beyond belief.

"I'm not sure that's such a good idea, Coco. If Lucy found out, I could get into even more trouble than I am now. I think Vic and I are alright without each other for a little while." She nodded her head in understanding. "Okay, but if you did sneak out to kiss him and stuff, I wouldn't tell anybody." She told me, her smirk never falling. I found it sort of… I don't know, odd, that she was so willing to help Vic and I be "reunited". I shouldn't be, though. I knew she how much she liked the idea of us being together.

I didn't respond to her comment, only because I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to thank he and teach her that it was okay to break and bend the rules if it were for the cause of a homosexual relationship, but I didn't want to shoot her idea down either, because if I was going to see Vic, I really didn't want her big mouth to be ratting me out to the entire staff.

Around twenty minutes of play time later, a caretaker I didn't recognize came in to get everyone into bed. "Alright, time to go to sleep!" She announced, smiling in satisfaction when the kids started to put away their scissors, markers and toys and getting situated in their beds.

"Are you kidding me? It's only nine o'clock!" I protested, thinking to how I usually didn't go to sleep until one or two.

"And you must be Kellin! I'm Mrs. Maria. Lucy was right, you are a sassy one." She remarked, smirking as I shot her a glare. "I'm not sassy." I mumbled, even though I knew it was the truth. I just didn't prefer that exact term. It really sounded way too gay to be used to describe me, even if I was into guys.

"Alright, whatever you say. Anyway, now that you're in this age group's room, you'll be required to follow all of the rules they have to follow. And that includes the one that states ever kid has to be in bed by nine o'clock." She told me, giving me an annoyed expression when I rolled my eyes at her.

"Look, I don't care what you feel about it. If you didn't want to be staying in here, you shouldn't have gone and beat up some guy in the park. Now, get to bed." She commanded, and I gritted my teeth to hold back my "sassy" comments as I stood up and made my way to the bed Coco had led me to earlier, muttering a "fuck off" under my breath that I hoped she didn't hear.

She didn't bother with any goodbyes or goodnights before she walked out and slammed the door quite loudly behind her, obviously irritated with my attitude. I seem to annoy the shit out of pretty much everyone I talked to or even met, so her storming away didn't really bother me. That's just one reason why I like Vic so much- he's one of the only people that actually seems to like me, and I like him in return for that. It's like a sort of unspoken deal between us. Even if he suddenly decided that he didn't like me one day, I still wouldn't lose my feelings for him. I doubt there's anything he could do that would make me not like him. He's pretty much perfect.

Since all of the kids were in bed, and Maria seemed to have missed the light switch on her way out, I took the liberty of turning off the lights, earning a few surprised shrieks from a few kids that must be afraid of the dark. After rolling my eyes at their immaturity, I slipped into the only empty bed in the room- the one that was unfortunately next to Coco. She didn't say anything to me though, being too wrapped up in a whispered conversation with Jennifer in the other bed next to her to acknowledge me, or at least care that I was now situated beside her.

After what seemed like an hour or so later, all of the not-so-quiet whispers had ceased, letting me know that all of the kids must be asleep. I, however, wasn't as lucky as them, and sleep didn't come as easily to me. I found myself lying awake in the bed with my eyes open wide, just staring up at the ceiling that I could only sort of see because of the small sliver of moonlight peeking in through the lone window on the wall behind me. I knew that I wasn't falling asleep probably because my body wasn't used to being forced into slumber so early, and I wasn't really tired enough to get some shut eye. But I knew that if I tried hard enough, I would eventually join all of the other kids in sleeping. I didn't want to try, though. I didn't want to sleep yet, not while I had gone the whole day without seeing a certain skinny boy with big brown eyes that I got caught staring into all too often. I wanted to see him. It wasn't fair- to me and that side of my brain that longed for just the sight of him- to be away from him for so long. I was going crazy without him, even if it _sounds_ crazy that I needed to be with him so much after I hadn't even known him for very long at all. I completely disregarded any thought of the possible consequences if I got caught- right now, I just wanted to be by his side.

In all of my hazy, needy thinking of being with Vic, it was as if my legs had a mind of their own as I felt them swing over the side of the bed and bringing me towards the door. I felt as though I couldn't stop them from pulling me towards our room- not that I wanted them to, anyway. My mind was clouded with both sleep and longing for him, I couldn't think straight. I was acting so weird and I was almost scaring myself, but I always seemed to go insane when I thought about Vic. The only thing that was on my mind as I was pacing down the hallway, was that I really hoped Lucy and all of the other caretakers were asleep by now.


	17. Chapter 17

Although I was trying to be careful with my footing, as to make the least amount of noise possible so to not wake up the caretakers or even Vic for that matter, but it was so difficult when I was so eager to see him. I don't know how many times I've called myself insane for thinking so highly of him and liking him _so _much, but with my sleep-deprived brain, thinking it odd to have such an abnormal favoring for the boy was the last thing on my mind. I just wanted to be with him, and I could think of one hundred reasons off the top of my head why, but could also go blank when the topic came up at the same time. He was just so _perfect-_ it messed with me, confused me, made my thoughts all scattered about and irregular. But did I care that he was seemingly driving me crazy by just being his fragile, innocent self? Not one bit. That just made him all the more likeable, and like him a lot I did.

I only worried myself a minimal amount when I had to hold in a squeal and an "awww" upon seeing Vic, curled up and sleeping in the most delicate, peaceful way possible that I found completely and downright adorable. I almost didn't wake him up; afraid of disturbing the calm slumber he was in because his insanely cute sleeping form would be disturbed as well. But then I imagined how much better his eyes looked open, and how he looked even cuter with a beautiful smile on his face. I found my hand flying to his shoulder in a second, more than excited to have him awake and staring back at me.

"Vic," I whispered, going for a gentle approach, lightly shaking his shoulder to try and pull him from sleep. I was almost surprised when his eyes fluttered open almost instantly- I wasn't expecting him to be so willing to wake up. Must be a light sleeper, I guess.

As his shy yet stunning smile appeared as he looked back at me, the butterflies that it caused in my stomach only allowed me to whisper a quiet, "Hi", smiling just as wide in return.

He shifted in the bed, moving up into a sitting position under the blankets, but I barely even gave him another second before placing a hand behind his neck and pulling him forward to lock our lips. It still amazed me every time how even though we had kissed plenty of times before; I still felt that… spark, if you will, every time our lips touched. There was just something there- something that I had never before felt whilst kissing anyone else, something that only happened with him and felt…right. I had decided in the very beginning that I would love that feeling to no end, no many how many times I felt it.

"You're not supposed to be here." He rasped in a sleepy voice once we pulled away, but the grin that beamed on his face told me that he didn't really seem to care that I was breaking Lucy's rules. I had noticed that he was trying to give her a chance, trying to be polite with her and do as she said, but I think that this whole situation was the final straw. He had given up hope on trying to be nice with her and respecting her- at least when she wasn't around. In other words, he was like a toned down version of me now; just completely lost all fucks to give about Lucy and her bullshit rules and punishments. It was about time, too. I had been getting fed up with how well he had been treating her, when she barely even returned the favor to us.

"Well do you want me to leave?" I questioned with a growing smirk, resting my forehead against his and looking back and forth between his eyes and mouth. His grin returned as he responded, "Don't even talk like that, Quinn." and proceeded to close the gap in between us again, creating that spark that I was so fond of. Somewhere in the less sane part of my mind, I wanted to ask him if he felt it too; if he felt that special feeling when we kissed. But I knew that I would sound really stupid and cheesy, and probably crazy if he _hadn't_ felt it. Maybe I would ask at a later time, when I knew that he wouldn't judge me for bringing up something that sounded so cliché.

"You only like me for my lips." He breathed in mock hurt against my lips, resting his forehead against mine once more after we broke apart. I smiled at the pout that formed on his face, biting my lip to try and hold in my giggles. "Not true." I protested, leaning in to connect our lips again. He placed his hand on my chest and pushed me away playfully, glaring at me but obviously trying to hold back a smirk.

"Is true." He replied after scoffing in a way that way supposed to hurt my feelings, but only made me smile more at how childish he was being. I wasn't complaining though- he was really cute when he was like this. Fuck, who am I kidding? He's cute no matter what he does. He could dye his hair bright pink and I would still like him just as much. I just wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing.

"Nope, not true." I objected again. "Bu-," he started, but I cut him off by kissing him again - although I would never have enough - getting that spark that only satisfied me for a second or two, leaving me wanting more and more once we broke for air.

"See, you only kiss me to shut me up." Now he was the one giggling, gently biting on my bottom lip in a way that was far too teasing and playful to allow him to get away with it. "No, there are plenty of other reasons why I kiss you, Victor. I don't even think I can count them all." I informed him, already running through all of the said reasons in my head as I finally moved from my spot next to the bed and slipped under the sheets next to him on the mattress. "Lie." He smirked, turning to face me so he could meet my eyes, something I loved only because it was so rare for him to actually make eye contact for more than two seconds.

"Not lie." I retaliated, gaining a smirk of my own as I took in the adorable frown that appeared on his face. "Really, you're going to argue with me? I bet you can't even say one thing at the most, let alone a countless amount." He rolled his eyes but smiled all the same as he met my gaze again.

"You're really challenging me on how many things I can say that I like about you? Alright then, well to start with, your eyes. Your eyes are fucking perfect- I always just want to stare at them, and I love it so much when you actually make eye contact with me because, yeah, perfect. Then the way you always pull your sleeves down over your hands. You always wear long sleeves because you kinda have to, but having them down over your hands is something that you do subconsciously and it's so fucking adorable. Oh, and your hair, it's literally flawless, like, every single day. It's always falling in just the right place, and when it's not, I like being able to brush it out of your eyes." I put my rant on hold to bring my hand to his face and sweep his hair away from his eyes, just to make my point.

"And then there's the way you take really small bites when you eat. I know that it's hard for you to eat, but when you do, it's so fucking cute Vic, and I didn't even know eating could _be_ cute until I saw how you did it. Your nose, too, it's so small and perfect and I really just want to kiss it all the time, but I like your lips just a little bit better." I paused again to lightly kiss the tip of his nose, causing him to scrunch up his face with a giggle and pull away from me.

"And just the little things like that that you do; I like everything about you, like your voice and your laugh and the way you sort of suck on my bottom lip when we kiss, and how you cover your mouth with your hand when you're around people you don't know, and when you blush and get all embarrassed and tell me to stop when I call you beautiful or some other very true compliment. Fuck, I'm going off on a tangent now, but I just… I really, _really_ like you Vic, every single little thing about you. So don't say I only kiss you for my own needs and to get you to be quiet, because I could keep going for hours." I eventually finished, unable the drop the smile from my face.

He had the smallest form of a grin on his face as silence fell over us, allowing everything I just gushed to him to soak in. After a fair amount of time, he finally spoke. "You took that way too seriously, Kells. I was kind of just kidding, you know?" he asked, a now wide, unbreaking smile shining on his face. I just rolled my eyes, because no, I didn't know he was just kidding, and I doubt he really was. I knew he didn't necessarily like himself, and a good shower of compliments is probably exactly what he needed, anyway. "Don't pretend you didn't like it." I said, leaning in to kiss his nose once more, earning the same response from before. "I didn't." He said suddenly, now in a quieter tone and scarily serious. "Well why not?" I urged him. "It's not really fun being lied to, I guess." He told me, finally breaking eye contact and looking away with a frown. Fuck, this is going to take a bit of time.

"Are you serious? You think I'm lying?" I hissed at him, my voice turning into more of a harsh whisper, although I didn't mean for it to. I just got frustrated sometimes. Not with him exactly, but the fucking mental disorders screwing with his brain and making him think that I was lying to him. "I-I'm sorry, I just… please don't be mad at me…" He whimpered, still avoiding my eyes. I sighed, realizing that I did probably sound the least bit angry, although that was far from the case. I just wanted him to be happy, for him to be able to accept a compliment and believe it, and to actually like himself, rather than have such self malevolence.

"I'm not mad at you, Vic. I just… I just wish that you could see what I see when I look at you. I mean, I see this beautiful, amazing, fucking perfect person that never fails to make me smile. Why would I ever lie to you?" I asked him, determined to make him see at least some good in himself.

"I-It's just that… I-I'm not beautiful, I'm not amazing, pretty much the exact opposite of perfect, and I'm just not any of those things you said about me. I'm… I'm _terrible_, Kellin. I-I'm ugly and fat and I can't even say one sentence without stuttering and I don't know if you forgot, but I killed two of my own family members. I-I'm like the worst person in the world, I hate myself! So when I know that all of these fucking horrible things are true, why would you go through the trouble of lying to me like you did? There's nothing good about me at all… I-I'm _disgusting_!" He was shaking with hatred for himself now, completely turned away from me and lying on his back with his eyes closed. It was probably one of the most heartbreaking things I had ever witnessed. He really thought he was the scum of the earth, and it made me want to just hug him and hold him and kiss him until he thought otherwise, even if it would take an eternity.

"Vic, I… Look at me." I ordered, sitting up in the bed. He did as he was told and opened his eyes to meet mine, before mimicking my position and sitting up in the bed. I didn't give him time to do much else before wasting no time in leaning forward to smash our lips together. I was so desperate to just make him feel some sort of comfort, or to feel wanted, or just _any_ good feeling that would temporarily bring him away from his vicious mind. It didn't take long before I was pretty much on top of him, pressing his back flat on the bed and moving my lips with his in the best way I knew how. After a little while, I sort of lost control, and threw away any thoughts that maybe I was going too far. Running my tongue along his bottom lip, he whimpered against my mouth and proceeded to allow my tongue entry. It wasn't even a battle for dominance or control; we were both pretty much content with just being able to kiss each other so freely and passionately. A couple muffled moans and tugs of the hair later, both of our lungs were lacking oxygen, forcing us to pull apart.

"I… you… w-why did you just do that?" He asked breathlessly, his eyes searching my face for some sort of explanation. My response was a giggle, just because the way his cheeks were flushed and he was slightly out of breath was really fucking cute. "I don't know, I… I just wanted to make you stop thinking about yourself like that." I told him, still situated on top of him. "Oh." Was all he said, and I swear I saw his cheeks go a shade of pink. With another light laugh, I kissed his nose and lay back down on the bed.

"So… did it work?" I questioned, sort of anxious for his reply. Even if he said no though, I still would've been okay with making out with him for fifteen minutes just for the fun of it.

"Um, well for the entire time we were kissing, yeah, pretty much. T-thanks…" His shy smile came back around as he blushed a shade deeper, looking away from me per usual. "So, are you okay now? Do we need to do that again to make sure you're not having those kinds of thoughts?" I asked with a smirk, completely willing to go for another round. He let out a breathy laugh, unfortunately shaking his head. "Well, I want to, but I'm kinda tired, and you sort of woke me up so…" He trailed off, a disappointed look replacing his content expression from before.

"Yeah, you're right. Okay well… goodnight." I gave him one last smile before reaching an arm over his waist and pulling him close to me, snuggling down into the sheets that he'd already warmed up.

"W-wait, but, don't you have to go back to the other room?" His worried voice made me open my eyes again, and I came face to face with the same disappointed face that I couldn't bear to see. "Fuck Lucy, I wanna sleep in here with you." I said, giving his lips a quick peck to reassure him. Despite his uneasy expression, he nodded anyway and gave me a small smile to show that he was more than okay with that. He closed his eyes and rested his head on my chest, nuzzling up to me as close as he could, which was very close because the bed was meant for only one person. I smiled as well, although he couldn't see it, and followed suit to him, closing my eyes and relaxing into his touch. Although I had an annoying thought in the back of my mind nagging me that we were acting way too much like a couple even though we'd only "been together" for a week, I ignored it without hesitation, because I was more than happy to just go to sleep with him in my arms. "Goodnight, Vic." I whispered with one lass kiss to his hair, giving his side a gentle squeeze. "Goodnight" He responded in a more than tired voice, obviously stifling a yawn, making me smile again even though no one would be able to see it. He just always had a way to make me smile, because he made me happy. I just hoped that I was doing the same for him.

Despite how peacefully and happily I had fallen asleep, my awakening was unfortunately not as great as my surrender to sleep. Most mornings in the orphanage, I would be able to wake up on my own, dreading the day ahead. Since Vic had gotten here, he'd usually wake me up at a decent time with plenty of kisses all over my face. But this morning, was not as pleasant as the rest. The first thing I heard that pulled me from slumber, was that same annoying, overly-loud voice, screeching about how now I was in even more trouble than before, and I wouldn't see the sun for days. Fuck, this is not going to end well.


	18. Chapter 18

"…You never fail to blatantly and _repeatedly_ disrespect me, you ignore pretty much everything I say and never take any of my rules seriously. And do I even need to bring up the reason you're in this whole mess in the first place? If you hadn't beat up some _random_ _guy_ in the park, and _in front of the other kids_, at that, you wouldn't have had to been punished in the first place. But then when I do punish you, to try and do you some good and to teach you some discipline, you do the exact thing that I specifically told you _not_ to do. Why do you always disrespect me? Do you _like_ to piss me off?" Lucy stopped her scolding for a moment to show off an exasperated look, asking for an answer. Her voice was echoing off of the kitchen walls, even louder than usual. It would've been in her best interest to lower her volume a bit - seeing as she'd already used a few choice words and the walls of the kitchen weren't exactly soundproof - but right now I knew I was her main priority, and I doubt the kids just beside us in the rec room would be brave enough to question her language when we got out of here anyway. That is, if we ever _did_ get out of here.

"I could ask you the same question, Lucy." I retorted, practicing my familiar blank face that I had down pact by now. "Are you serious?! You're trying to turn things around on me? If I ever piss you off, it's because you've brought it upon yourself to have me do and say those things to you. Other than that, I've only helped! I've done nothing but good for you, Kellin!" She was quick to defend herself, and I literally had to bite my tongue to hold in what would have been a very loud, "fuck you." She's done nothing but good for me? Last time I checked, taking away the only person I actually liked in _years _away from me, forcing me to sleep with a bunch of kids that majority of weren't even half my age, and piling a ton of extra chores on me, just because I was defending someone I cared about, was most definitely_ not _doing me any good.

"Really? I think you might need to reevaluate your discipline skills, because you've got this whole system worked out wrong in your head. When someone does something bad, you punish them, I get that. But you really think saving someone I care about from getting his ass kicked is something _bad?_ And if you really won't change your mind on it, was it really _so_ rebellious that you had to give me such a harsh fucking punishment?" My anger was boiling, and I knew it wouldn't be long until it started to build up and eventually spill over the edge; the angry side of me that I really didn't want to fully let loose when I was around Vic.

"You deserved it, Kellin! You didn't even know that guy, you're beyond lucky that he didn't press charges against you for his _broken body parts._ And you could've gotten away with just the two weeks, maybe even less if you would've behaved, but no, you had to go and just forget all about what I said, because you don't even _care_, and break yet another one of my rules. If you can't get your act together, and you're certainly not going to listen to me when I try to help, what am I supposed to do with you Kellin?" She gave me the same hopeless look from before, probably to try and make me feel bad. But I didn't even have anything to repay her for, or even really _like_ her for, for that matter, so I didn't feel bad or guilty or whatever the fuck, because I didn't have any regrets. And not one fuck to give about her, either.

Usually, a line like that and a face like that would make me feel pretty shitty, seeing as I just let down another person, or kind of fucked up their life. But I didn't really feel sorry for making her so stressed all the time, because I really _hadn't_ done anything wrong, so her words didn't really affect me. Plus, I was incredibly close to screaming at the top of my lungs in frustration and anger, because fuck, I was pissed off beyond belief. Lucy always seemed to have that sort of affect on me- making me incredibly irritable with everything she did, and making me stay in a bad mood throughout the rest of the day (until just the sight of Vic would wash it all away). But this was the worst it had ever been. Whenever she so little as sighed too loudly in annoyance with me, I had to restrain myself from nearly lunging forward and tackling her. I would never do that though, especially not with a very anxious and timid looking Vic right next to me, standing, because he had refused to join me on the counter. Apparently, sitting on a place that was made for food preparation instead of a seat was way too heavy of a crime for him to commit, especially with the authorities standing right in the room with us. He'd frantically shaken his head and given me a warning eye when I urged him to take the spot next to me, but I ended up sitting alone on the counter, because he was just too innocent to be doing something so rebellious.

"Okay, really, can we just drop this? I broke the rules, you're mad, you're making Vic have to stand here all uncomfortable and shit when he isn't even involved in this, and you hate me even more now. Can we just fucking move on?" My words came out all whiney now, because I really did just want to forget about it all. It's all Ronnie's fault, anyway. If that pothead motherfucker hadn't shown up and gotten in Vic's face like he had, I wouldn't have had to put him in the emergency room. Lucy should have known I would break her rules anyway. It's not like it hasn't happened before, and she _knows_ how much I like having Vic around. Sometimes it seems like she doesn't even think before she acts.

"Vic doesn't have a part in this?! What are you talking about!? Of course he does! You knew he wasn't supposed to be in your room, why didn't you tell him to leave?!" She directed the last question to Vic, yelling and obviously snapping, finally losing her usual cool, professional vibe and letting out her desperate yet angry side that I always seemed to bring out in her. Now that I think about it, I'm probably the one who created it.

Vic's eyes were blown wide as he looked up from toying with the sleeve of his shirt, probably anxious about having actually been asked a question and actually being brought into the argument. He gave me an urgent sort of look that gave me the impression that he was afraid and didn't know what to say. He barely stuttered out an "I-I, um," before I cut him off to scold Lucy a bit more.

"Don't pin anything on him! He did absolutely nothing wrong! He _did_ tell me to leave, something you wouldn't know because you _weren't even there._ So don't go yelling at him when there's not even anything to yell at him for! I didn't leave because, fuck, why would I? Making out with him seemed much more entertaining than going back to listen to Coco sing and talk in her sleep!" I was practically yelling now too, causing Vic to flinch with every word. It was obvious he was the quiet type, I'd learned that much within the span of seven days. That meant that he was probably used to always being _surrounded _by quiet too, so being in such a loud, echoing room filled with the screams and shouts of Lucy and I fighting must not have been very fun for him.

"Are you _kidding me_?! You disobeyed me to _kiss him?_" She hissed, like she couldn't believe it one bit. I smirked with satisfaction that I had gotten her voice level to drop significantly, before shaking my head smugly. "Did you not hear me? Not just kiss, Lucy, _make out._ You know, tongue and stuff? Or was that not invented yet when you were a teenager?" I mentally slapped myself for making such an idiotic insult about her age, but my mind was too clouded with thoughts of Vic's tongue in my mouth to think of a proper comeback.

"Okay, just… you know what? You win, alright? You get what you wanted, I'm done yelling at you, you can leave. I… I'm sorry." She said, not even waiting for our responses before exiting the room to leave Vic and I looking at each other in confusion. Vic didn't really seem to get why she just sort of gave up either, but I was probably even more in a state of shock than he was. It wasn't like Lucy to step away from an argument, especially one with me. I didn't even know what to think- why would she just back down when she hadn't even won yet? I made a mental note to talk to her about it later when I had the chance, because seriously, that was weird.

"I just don't get why she just like… completely dropped everything and told me that I won, and just… left. Like, what the fuck was that even about? Oh, and sorry that I almost got you in trouble, too." I sort of half-whispered into the quiet room. It was later that night, after a very slow day of just lounging around with Vic post to Lucy's weird little breakdown thing. Even though it wasn't very late, ten at the latest, I always liked to be quieter at night. Whispering and cuddling in the dark had sort of become a thing with Vic and I now, anyway.

We were lying in my- well, I guess technically "our"- bed, with Vic curled up against my side per usual, a comforting hand of mine gently stroking his back up and down soothingly. It wasn't even meant to be soothing, really. It was more absentmindedly than anything; a sort of habit that I'd developed over the week of sleeping with him tucked in my arms. It was crazy how attached I'd grown to him in such a short period of time.

His head shifted on my chest, his hair tickling my neck as he shook his head. "You didn't almost get me in trouble. It was my fault she yelled at me, I really should have made you leave. But… I didn't want to, you know? You're just too irresistible." He said, turning his head to look up at me with the smallest grin. He made eye contact too, and as soon as his gaze met mine, I found myself getting lost in his eyes- no matter how cliché that sounds. But it was like I couldn't look away, couldn't force my gaze onto anything else, or even _think_ about anything else. I would be lying if I said I wanted to, though. To be completely honest, I could stare at him for days without the need for anything else but the sight of him.

I leant down to connect our lips, moving them against his in a way that was meant to be gentle at first, but instantly turned into needy yet passionate when he was pulling away. Allowing him only a second to take a breath, I forcefully smashed my lips against his again, pushing him backwards until his back was flat against the mattress. I moved down with him, my mouth never leaving his. I wasted no time in deepening the kiss, almost immediately licking his bottom lip. He willingly allowed me to dart my tongue into his mouth and play and massage with his own. All too soon, I felt the burning sensation of lack of oxygen to my lungs, forcing me to reluctantly pull away. I wasn't finished with him though. I just wanted him, and I wasn't going to stop until I was satisfied. Or at least until he was satisfied- whichever came first.

My lips left his and in no time they were attached to his neck, harshly sucking at a muscle along his throat that I knew had been a sweet spot for a couple of partners before. When all I earned was a gasp, I nipped the skin in the same spot before moving further down, frantically searching for a spot that would have him melting and moaning into just the touch of my lips. Somewhere in the mix of things, I'd somehow brought myself to stop long enough to nearly rip his shirt off, along with my own, completely disregarding any thoughts that I may have had telling me I was moving too fast and needed to quit before things went too far. It was probably too late to come to a halt if I didn't really have to anyway, so I didn't really see a stopping point in the near future.

Several love bites that I had been sure to lick over and soothe with my tongue later, the quietest hint of a whimper escaped from his mouth, just as I began assaulting the spot just above his right collarbone. I sucked harder on the area, lightly biting the skin, finally eliciting a moan from his mouth that hadn't been closed since I had started. The moan got me riled up, a lot more than I probably should have been, but just something about the way he seemed so innocent, and hearing such a pure-seeming creature make such a noise, turned me on a lot more than any other normal old moan would. How long had it been since I'd gotten off, anyway?

I slowly made my way down further, littering his bony chest with bites and licks and occasional hickeys that I made sure would stay around for days. When I got to the less recent cuts on his stomach, I kissed around them as softly and delicately as I could- like he was so fragile that I was afraid I would break him if my lips touched his skin in a way that was anything other than gentle. I didn't leave time to turn it into a sentimental moment though, mostly because I just wasn't the kind of person to do that (most of the time) and the tightness of my pants made me really want to move on further. I kissed all the way up to his lips again, nearly shoving my tongue down his throat in a way that probably scared him because it was so needy, but my lips were back to his neck in a second, leaving him no time to even make a response to my sort of rough actions. I sucked at the spot above his left collarbone, and just like on the right side, it made him moan in that incredibly sexy way that he does. Without even really thinking, I rolled my hips into his, thinking nothing of it other than he was hot, I was hard, and I needed something to help me along.

Everything came crashing down when he gasped in a way that I thought was pleased at first, before he pushed me by my chest to get me away from him, showing me that he actually _didn't_ want me to be doing what I was. Thinking the worst, I my head shot up and I brought my hand to his cheek almost out of habit, giving it a gentle rub of my hand before frantically scanning his face for any sign of pain or discomfort.

"Oh God, what did I do? What did I do? Did I touch your cuts? Shit, I'm so stupid, Vic. I'm so sorry, I just screwed this whole thing up, fucking hell-," His finger pressed against my lips, shutting me up so my near incoherent rambling apologies could cease. He shook his head, I couldn't read his eyes, but he was sporting a small smile, something that made me breathe out a sigh of relief. But if I hadn't hurt him, then why had he stopped me so suddenly? Surely if he didn't like it, or even me, he wouldn't have let me go as far as even taking his shirt off.

"What? Then what's wrong? Why'd you stop?" I pouted, the last line coming out in a whiney voice, because it'd been going pretty well, and I was way too turned on now to just be left hanging. "I um… I don't-," he paused for a moment, looking around the room as if he was searching for the right way to word what he wanted to say. "Um, I don't… I can't. I can't do…whatever we're doing right now. I'm sorry, I just…" he trailed off, his eyes dancing around nervously, obviously avoiding my gaze.

"What do you mean? Do what? We don't have to go very far… or even far at all. My God, I'm stupid; I should have known you didn't want me like that. Fuck, I'm sorry, Vic. Just… just tell me earlier next time? So I'm not left hanging here with nothing but a boner and a feeling of rejection?" I said glumly, trying my best to not sound too disappointed.

"N-no, i-it's not that I don't want you… I-I really like you. It's just that… I-I… um… I've never uh, done anything like this before… like, ever…" He said, blushing a furious red and turning his whole head to completely avoid the sight of me. "Oh fuck, Vic. Why didn't you just tell me? It's completely fine- I'm not going to judge you or anything. That's actually kind of… cute." I smirked at him, not really sure what I meant, but when the blush on his face creeped down his neck, I was sure that yeah, somehow him being a virgin was really fucking cute.

"Shutup, it is not. You're just saying that to make me feel better. You probably want to laugh at me right now." He muttered, still bright red and averting my gaze, plainly embarrassed and frowning in a way that made me just want to kiss the frown right off of his face. "No, really, I find it really adorable that I would be your "first time"." I wiggled my eyebrows at him, winking in a playful manor. He glanced at me, groaning and hiding his face in the pillow when he caught sight of a face that probably looked like I was taunting him.

"See, now you're just making fun of me. And I have a fucking stick in my pants too, so I have that to deal with as well. You're probably never going to let me live this down." He whimpered, shifting uncomfortably on the bed, probably because the "stick" in his pants wasn't going to go away very soon. That is, unless I had something to do about it

Without a word, I cautiously placed my hand on his thigh, rubbing circles into it through his jeans with my thumb. When I slowly began to move upwards, nearing his crotch, he gasped, finally registering my movements as their rightfully named sexual advances rather than just comforting actions.

"W-what are you doing?" he asked in a tone that was probably meant to be surprised, but had just the right amount of arousal in it to not make me pull my hand away.

"Well, you won't have anything to live down if we just get this over with, right?" I rasped in a hoarse tone, hoping that my pathetic attempt at a seductive voice urged him on just the slightest bit, even if it really wasn't very seductive at all. If anything, I probably just sounded like I had a cold.

He hesitated for a moment, like he was thinking about it and was actually having a second thought about possibly denying my offer. When I got impatient with him, because he seemed to be forgetting that I had a stick of my own, I placed my hand on the bulge in his pants, applying just the right amount of pressure with my palm that had him whimpering and nodding quickly.

I grinned down at him, not needing to be told twice. My hand found its way to his button and zip, hastily undoing them both in record time before making work on pulling down his tight pants. After helping me along a bit by raising his hips off of the bed to further the shimmying process, everything came to a halt again when his cold hand pressed against my chest. "Wait." He said, looking at me with anxious eyes that also looked a bit scared.

"What's wrong?" I asked, concerned and half expecting another confession. "I… um… I don't know if I'm-," He began, but I cut him off in the middle, somehow understanding what he was getting at. "I'm not going to fuck you, if that's what you're thinking. Even though I really, _really_ want to, I would never do that so soon, and I know you're not ready for it anyway." I said, and his worried expression quickly faded into a calmer one, his cheeks going another shade of red because I'd just admitted that I wanted to have sex with him. He nodded, before whimpering again and bucking his hips up ever so slightly. "Okay so, if we could… get back to what we were doing before, that'd be great…" He mumbled, and let out a breathy chuckle before nodding as well, pulling his pants off of him the rest of the way.

When his pants were on the floor and his legs were free of clothing save for his boxers, I reluctantly stopped my palming on his crotch -despite my eagerness to hear more of his incredibly hot moans- to remove my own pants. I was left only in my boxers when I crawled back on top of the bed, nearly on top of Vic, too, but back just far enough to have access to his erection.

"O-okay, if you're gonna do something, please, just… do it soon. Like really soon. Or now. Now would be great." Vic was squirming and slightly panting after just minutes of my extremely slow teasing, rubbing him through his boxers just to get him all worked up. My smirk showed him that I had no apologies for teasing him, but I obliged to his request because the sooner he got off, the sooner I could get off. And with the gasps and whimpers my hand elicited from his mouth every now and then, I knew I wouldn't last long at all.

Without another word being said, my finger was hooked under the waistband of his boxers and they were pulled down just enough to expose him in the blink of an eye. The softest of gasps passed his lips as his member was exposed to the cold, but it was overcome by a louder gasp of pleasure as I wrapped my hand around the base of his erection. When I began pumping up and down at a torturously slow pace, I looked to his face, hoping to find a pleasured expression that would probably turn me on even more, but instead I found a sort of worried look, like he was afraid of me seeing something I wasn't supposed to.

"Are you okay?" I asked, concerned as to why he looked so anxious instead of just sitting back and enjoying what I was doing to him. His eyes flicked to mine in a flash, breathing out a nervous laugh and nodding unsurely, trying to get me to continue, but I wasn't fooled for a second.

Hesitantly, I tugged his boxers the rest of the way down his legs, taking in what I saw with a gasp. His thighs had a lot less cuts in them last time I'd seen them. Deep lacerations also littered the side of his hips, the area around it marked with carelessly smeared dried blood.

"Oh, Vic…" I sighed, taking my hand away from his member to lightly trace around the gashes in his skin. "You… you told me you'd stop." I reminded him, almost choking on my words with disappointment. I was so sure he'd be able to keep his promise to me, and I thought he had been, when really he'd just been doing it all behind my back. "Vic. Talk to me." I said softly when he didn't respond. "I-I… I tried to stop… but… I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Kellin. I deserve it all, I'm so horrible." He whimpered. Suddenly, I wasn't feeling very turned on anymore.

"You're not horrible, Vic…" I sighed as I stood from the bed to put my boxers back on. When I slipped back into the bed, I saw that Vic had his pulled up as well. "I just… I really thought that you could do this for me. But it's not your fault, okay? You can't help that you're addicted to causing yourself harm. I just... I'm going to help you stop. Can you please, _please_ promise me that you won't do it anymore? That you'll at least try, for me? Any time you feel the need to press a blade into your skin, just come to me, and talk to me about anything. Even if I'm asleep, just wake me up and I'll help you, alright? I… I won't stand for you hurting yourself like this, Vic. I care about you, a lot, and I just want to make sure that you'll be okay. So… promise me? Promise me you'll stop? And please don't lie and do it behind my back again, because I'll be checking. Do you promise?" I asked in a whisper, pulling the sheets over our almost completely bare bodies and slipping an arm around his waist, pulling him up against me so that his head was resting on my chest.

"I-I promise." He choked out, his warm breath tickling my skin. I gave his waist a comforting squeeze, a way of showing him that I would get him through this, that I would help him and get him to stop harming himself. It wasn't even just a matter of wanting to, I _needed _to. I cared about him too much to just think his addiction to putting cuts in his skin was past the point of recovery. And it's not like he had anyone else to fix him either. If I didn't try and get him to stop, who would? Right then and there was when I made my solid decision to get him out of his world of self-injury, because there was no way I would be losing him to the fucking depression that lived in his mind. I don't think I could ever live with myself if something like that happened to him. I made a promise to myself, as well: that he would be the one person whose life I _wouldn't_ fuck up. We'd be each other's turning points.


	19. Chapter 19

It was three weeks after our little "incident", and as far as I knew, Vic was clean, and by clean I mean that he'd held back from cutting. I made sure to keep him in my sight at all times, so he didn't go running off to do it when I wasn't around. And to make sure that he hadn't snuck out of bed to do it while I was sleeping, I'd make him strip every morning just to make sure that there weren't any fresh wounds on his skin. That's what he had been doing at first; slipping out in the middle of the night to cut when I wasn't awake to catch him. But when I started doing my daily checks every morning, the disappointment I'd shown off upon seeing more slits in his skin must've been enough to show him that I seriously wanted him to stop, and so he did. It'd been fourteen days since he'd harmed himself, and I was so proud of him for being able to slowly get better. I was still a bit worried, though. Usually when people tried to recover from addictions, it'd be a terrible process filled with relapses and cravings and just all around chaos for the most part. But Vic had been taking the whole thing pretty well. I should be seeing it as a good thing, but something didn't quite feel right. I knew there was no way he just suddenly liked himself- he still had his depression and other disorders making him think he was a terrible person, despite how untrue that may be. So if he wasn't taking out his self-hatred with a blade on his body, couldn't that mean he was doing it in a different way?

"Vic, slow down." I warned him, keeping a wary eye as he shoveled his breakfast into his mouth. Over the course of two weeks, he'd been getting better at eating too. It started out with a meal a day, then two, and eventually all three. But now it was getting weird, because he wasn't eating the way he usually did- in tiny little nibbles and bites in that cute little way that he did. Now he would practically scarf down any food in sight, which I guess is sort of a good thing, since he's so skinny and definitely needed some meat on his bones. But it could also be taken as a bad thing- it just wasn't really like him to act- or eat, I should say -this way.

"Sorry." He muttered after swallowing a huge bite of waffles, but continued on forcing more and more food down his throat at the same pace anyway. "Vic seriously, you're going to get sick, you're eating too fast." I tried again, placing a hand on his thigh, hoping that would somehow get him to stop. He turned his head to me, giving me with a sort of blank look, before shrugging and turning to continue inhaling the rest of his breakfast. I shook my head, watching in near horror as the boy who had struggled to eat an apple only about three weeks ago was now devouring a whole meal in less than five minutes. Honestly, it sort of scared me, and I was getting a bit worried, but if anything, I was glad he was eating, so I didn't say anything else, for fear of accidentally getting him to stop eating completely.

"So what do you want to do toda-," I began asking after Vic had swallowed the last bite of his food, but he cut me off mid sentence. "Hold on, I gotta pee." He said quickly, standing from the table in a flash and rushing to the bathroom. I shook my head and chuckled to myself, standing from the table as well to head back to our room. It was always sort of awkward just sitting there in the dining room with the handful of thirteen year olds that always took the longest to finish their food, so I never really liked to just lounge around there with them if I didn't have to. They always gave me the nastiest looks, too, like they hated me for no apparent reason. It didn't bother me, though. If they hated me, I decided I hated them just as much, and that was that.

As I was on my way to our room though, something had me pausing, stopping dead in my tracks to linger outside of the bathroom door and strain my ear to see if I had heard right. Yep, there it was again- a horrible, grotesque gagging noise that sounded a whole awful lot like the sound of someone retching out the contents of their stomach in the most unappealing way possible. That couldn't possibly be Vic, could it? Surely there must've been some other kid in the bathroom, getting sick because of an illness, maybe? I had heard one of the caretakers talking about how the stomach flu was going around the other day… I wasn't going to take any chances. I knew that Vic was in the bathroom, so what harm would it do just to check and make sure he was okay? He had been eating way too quickly for his own good, after all.

"Vic?" I called after barging into the bathroom, looking to the row of stalls lining the wall in front of me and waiting for a response. The noise I'd heard before had stopped before I even entered the bathroom, but it didn't sound like there was anyone else in the room. "Oh, um… hi." He muttered, finally coming out of the second stall to the left after a moment or two of silence and worried thoughts running throughout my brain. "Are you okay?" I questioned, even though I was sure I already knew the answer. He shrugged in response, pulling his sleeves down over his hands like we were both so used to, before using the back of his hand to wipe at his mouth.

"Uh, I kind of… got a little sick." He admitted sheepishly, moving to the sink where the disorganized yet colorful display of boys' toothbrushes that were lined up in front of the mirror. The kids really could do a better job in keeping the area clean; there were tubes of toothpaste scattered around, globs of dried substances sticking to the counter, and don't even get me started on the sink full of stubble from the older boys who were old enough to shave, but apparently not mature to clean up after themselves. I absentmindedly wondered in the back of my brain if the girls' bathroom was any cleaner than ours.

"See, I told you! You shouldn't have eaten your food in just one fucking bite, Victor. It's not good for your tummy." I told him, raising a finger to point at him disapprovingly before lightly poking him in the stomach. "Yeah, you were right…" He mumbled, reaching for the bottle of mouthwash in the corner of the counter and taking a generous swig to rid his tongue of the taste of bile. "Really though, are you alright?" I questioned, walking the few steps over to him and snaking an arm around his waist. I was still a bit concerned, even if it was only because of something as simple as eating too quickly. It was actually a habit of mine- when I cared about someone; I cared about them a lot, almost too much, until I turned into this protective, clingy bastard that would ultimately annoy the other person I was just trying to help until I drove them far, far away. That's how all of my past relationships had ended. I'd like the guy just a little _too_ much, and apparently they wouldn't like me the same amount, or they would have been able to put up with how attached I was to them and wouldn't have left me all alone. I didn't spend too much time worrying about those past boys though- I knew Vic was absolutely _nothing _like those douches I'd dated before, and I was almost completely sure that he would never, ever hurt me like the others had. Vic was too perfect and pure to be a heartbreaker.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Let's go." He muttered, nudging out of my hold and moving towards the door. Well, one thing was for sure, he was a terrible liar. "Vic, what's wrong?" I caught his arm before he could desert me. "Nothing." He said, locking eyes with me, probably to try and put more persuasion into the statement, because he really did suck at lying, and it seemed he knew it just as well as I. "Okay well, that's a lie. Seriously, what's wrong?" I repeated, gently pulling him towards me so I could slink my arms around his waist again. "It's not a lie. Nothing's wrong. I'm fine." He said after shifting a bit in my hold, making eye contact again just long enough to flash me a counterfeit grin before looking away again. "No, you're not fine, and that was a fake smile. Your real smile looks like this." Without warning, I ran my fingers up underneath his shirt, gently jabbing him in the side and tickling him in the spot I knew was the most sensitive. He started squirming around almost immediately, giggling and lightly hitting me in a pathetic attempt to get me to stop. I grinned in success, at how I'd made his beautiful bright smile come around. I was so glad I'd found that one place near his tummy, where I knew I could always get him to laugh just by grazing my fingers along his skin. I hadn't even meant to find his secret ticklish spot- I'd discovered it by accident one day when he'd broke an almost heated make out session of ours to laugh out loud, leaving me sitting there a bit confused until I'd realized why he was all giggly. Now though, I was glad I'd figured it out. I just hoped that one day my personality alone, like something I'd say or do would get him to smile, instead of having to rely on tickling him whenever he was feeling down. I wanted to be able to make him happy. I wanted to be special to him, too- to be my own sweet spot of his by just being… me.

"O-okay, okay, I get it. I-I'm really fine though, okay? You don't have anything to worry about." He lied through his teeth, giving me a bit more of a reassuring smile this time, but gazing at me sadly. He pressed his lips to mine before I could say another word, but my mind was still working. There was something wrong, and I knew it. Why wouldn't he tell me, though? Why would he hide something from me? Then, it hit me. Vic had been "having to pee" quite a lot after meals. He couldn't possibly be… "Wait, you didn't… y-you didn't purge, did you?" I asked after pulling away, staring him straight in the eye with my mouth slightly agape. He let out a weak chuckle that sounded terribly fake, rolling his eyes and shaking his head. "No, Kellin. Why would I do that?" He tried to make it seem like it was something he'd never do, but I could think of a lot of reasons why he would do exactly that.

"I'm being serious. Did you do what I think you did?" I asked sadly, feeling a wave of disappointment when he shook his head again. I wanted to believe him, I really did- but now that I realized this is what he could be doing, it seemed more and more likely with each second I thought about it. "Are you sure? Please tell me you wouldn't lie to me." I asked, hearing a twinge of desperation in my voice. I couldn't help it though. I needed to know if he was taking care of himself or not, I needed the truth. And right now, I didn't really feel like I was getting it.

"Kellin." He whined, getting obviously annoyed with the subject. "I… I'm not messing around. Tell me the truth- have you been forcing yourself to throw up your food after you eat?" I questioned in a low tone, never looking away from his eyes. "I …no. No." He said unsurely, hanging his head to look at his shuffling feet. " Don't lie to me. Have you?" I asked seriously, tilting his head up by his chin, making his eyes meet mine. "I-I…" He stammered whilst shaking his head, biting his bottom lip. "Vic." I said sternly, squeezing a bit tighter on his waist. Silence was all that followed.

"Oh my God…" I finally said into the quiet of the bathroom after a few moments. "You've actually been… oh my _God. Vic!_" I snapped, staring at him with my mouth open wide. "You… I can't _believe _you!" I said, my voice rising as I freed him from my hold and backed away. "Please, I'm sorry. I'm sorry! Please don't be mad. Please! I-I…" His bottom lip was trembling now as he gazed at me apologetically, with a sad sort of look in his glassy eyes, as if longing for me to bring him back into my arms.

"I just don't get… what the _fuck_, Vic! Why would you _do_ this?!" I was nearly shouting now, but I didn't even care if anyone else would hear me. I was so upset, I could barely hold back my emotions, let alone my voice. "I'm sorry!" He repeated, his stare desperately pleading with me. "Answer me! Why would you do this?" I tried again, now full on yelling, completely disregarding any concerns I may have had before about being too loud. I didn't give a fuck anymore. The other kids could listen in, Lucy could scream at me later- right now, all I cared about was Vic.

"Well you wouldn't let me cut myself, so how else was I supposed to take out all of my hate?! Yes, hate! I hate myself, Kellin! Why don't you understand that?! I don't deserve food, I deserve the blade, and all of these cuts in my skin!" He pulled up the sleeve of his shirt to reveal the deep gashes I'd already pretty much memorized, just to make his point. "You can't blame me for this! What else was I supposed to do?!" He choked out, a few tears slipping down his cheeks on either side of his face.

"You…" I started, but I didn't even know what to say. I couldn't even form a sentence to express my disappointment. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, okay! Please don't be mad at me. Please!" Honestly, I really wasn't mad at him. How could I be? I guess I sort of understood where he was coming from, seeing as Alex had had an eating disorder as well, but that still didn't make it okay at all, and I would give Lucy an actual compliment before just sitting there and watching someone starve themselves without doing a single thing about it.

"Vic, I… I'm not mad at you." I shook my head, stepping towards him again. "I just…" I didn't know what I was trying to say, but I did know that I just wanted him in my arms. He seemed to want the same, as he filled the gap between us and practically flung himself into me. I instantly and instinctively pulled him into a strong hug, squeezing tight and absentmindedly stroking his hair. I realized he was crying when I felt him shaking, and that only made me hold him tighter, pulling him closer to me so that he was completely nuzzled into my shoulder. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He kept repeating in a half sob, half whisper, muffled and choked with every word.

"Hey," I said, reluctantly pulling out of our warm hug, only to pick him up at the waist and place him on top of the counter, surprised by how light he was. "You're okay, alright? You're fine. I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed, and I'm going to help you get better." I told him, hoping that I was somewhat comforting and reassuring. I was never really good at the whole pep talk thing.

"W-why are you d-disappointed?" He questioned, looking at me innocently with blood shot eyes. "Because, I just… I thought you were doing so well. I thought I'd helped you. I mean, you stopped hurting yourself, like, not cutting but… I didn't know you were doing it in a different way behind my back. I mean… I just thought that you would do it for me, that you would actually listen." I tried to explain, clearing his face of tears in the process. It was more difficult than I thought though. How was I supposed to tell him that I cared about him way too much for my own good, without sounding creepy and clingy?

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…" He said again, shrugging away from me and hanging his head. "Stop saying you're sorry! It's fine- you're fine. It's okay, just… how long has it been since you've had food in your stomach and kept it down?" I asked. "Since I stopped cutting." He told me, and I wanted to jump up and drag him to the nearest fast food restaurant because damn, he was already so small, and two weeks without any food was definitely not helping him.

"Vic! Are you kidding me?! That's like, three whole weeks! Do you know how unhealthy that is?! Do you even…. Do you even know how dangerous eating disorders are? People can die from them, Vic! What if I hadn't have found out!? You could have died if it continued long enough!" I was shouting again, unable to control the level of my voice. The thought of Vic being dead really scared me though. I couldn't' even think about it for too long without wanting to just break down and cradle him in my arms, fearing that if I were to let go, he would just slip away from me, and leave me.

"I know I could have died. That's sort of what I was hoping for…" He muttered, and I barely heard him, but it was quiet enough in the echoing bathroom for me to be able to make out what he said. "Vic, listen to me." I commanded, cupping his face in my hand and lifting his head so he could I could look him in the eye.

"You're beautiful, you're amazing, you're gorgeous, you're adorable, you're sweet, you're beyond cute, and you are fucking perfect. If you were to die, I'd probably end up committing suicide, because I like you that much. It may sound extreme, and I may sound crazy, but you're literally all I have to live for. Everything else I have is gone, and you're the one thing that keeps me going. If you got taken away from me, I wouldn't even feel like living anymore. You are worth so, so, _so_ much more than you think. Please, just… don't talk like that. Don't say you're okay with dying, don't say you should be dead, don't say you _want_ to be dead. I… I love you, okay. I love you, Vic. I love you, and I don't care how fucking stupid or insane I sound for saying that, I don't even care if you feel the same way or not. I love you, and I don't know if I could live without you. It's only been a month that we've been together but… I don't fucking care. Time doesn't mean a thing to me, all I know is that I care about you more than I've ever cared about anyone else ever. So please, _please_ promise me, that you won't ever say something like that again? You aren't going to die on me, you won't leave me, you're not just going to quit. Because I'm going to be here for you. I love you too much to let you just give up." I whispered the last line, wasting not a second before kissing him with everything I had.

As our lips moved together, I felt tears on my face, and I didn't even know if they were mine or Vic's. I didn't even care though, if I was crying, they were definitely tears of happiness. By him kissing back, I knew that he must feel the same way as me- that he wasn't rejecting me and pushing me away. Even if he didn't have the same feelings as I did for him, I wouldn't have stopped loving him. I honestly don't think there's anything he could do that would make me not like him. Ever.

"Y-you… I-I love you, too. I love you…" He said it twice, as if he was finally realizing it himself. I was beaming probably the biggest, cheesiest smile the earth had ever seen. "So do you promise? Promise me you'll at least try? Try to help yourself, or at the very least, let _me_ help _you?_ Because I won't just watch you go down in flames, Vic. I'm gonna be here till the end." I said, admitting that I was one hundred percent committed to fixing him up, and pushing him towards the happiness that I would somehow help him to find. "I promise." He nodded, smiling back at me in that cute, shy way he does. I leaned in to connect our lips once more in a sweet, warm kiss. "I love you." I repeated over and over against his lips, forcing him to believe it because damn, I meant it. And when he pulled back to look me straight in the eye, giving my statement back to me and meaning it with the same amount of truth, I couldn't help but nearly shove him up against the mirror in a kiss. Now, we were together. We loved each other. There was no backing out now. He'd made a promise, we'd both made a commitment, and I had absolutely no regrets about any of it. Because he was the absolute best thing that'd ever happened to me, and I couldn't be any more truthful, when I said that I loved him. I loved Vic. And maybe, just maybe, we'd make it out of here okay.


	20. Chapter 20

When I woke up the next morning, it was the happiest I'd felt in a long time, possibly even in years. I was pulled from sleep by the feeling of warm kisses being peppered all over my face and neck, and when I opened my eyes, it only got better. "Hi." Vic said quietly, smiling down at me and giving me butterflies in my belly. I never knew I could get butterflies just from seeing someone's face, but every time I looked at Vic, my heart went all crazy and my tummy got all fluttery. It was something that only he had made me feel- just like that special spark when we kissed. It was those little things, like the way he would make my heart jump just by holding my hand, or how he would cause my breathing to quicken just by biting my bottom lip while kissing, that's how I knew he was amazing- literally perfect. I knew just from those small little nothings that I definitely, truly loved him without a doubt.

"Morning." I beamed back at him, feeling that tingly feeling in my tummy intensify when his smile widened. I loved that just a simple curve of his lips could make me feel so warm and happy inside. "You know you snore." He remarked, holding back a giggle. "You love it though." I replied, catching the roll of his eyes. "I love _you._" He said, leaning down to capture my lips in his own. "Mmf, you didn't give me a chance to say it back!" I whined with a pout, playfully pushing him away by the chest. "You're so stupid." He sighed, rolling his eyes but grinning all the same. "Fine, go on and say it then." He said after witnessing my pout turn into a frown. "I love you." I told him, grinning up at him stupidly. He shook his head and rolled his eyes for a third time, never dropping his smile. "I don't think I'll ever get tired of hearing you say that." He admitted, and I couldn't help but pull him down by his neck to smash our lips together. "I love you, I love you, I love you…" I kept repeating in between kisses, because really, I don't think I could ever say it enough. I felt that I could tell him I loved him for every single second for the rest of my life, and I still wouldn't have abused the saying enough to express how much I really meant it.

I continued to murmur it against his lips as I flipped us over, loving how submissive he was to my control. I barely had to put any effort into it anymore; we both knew that I was always the dominant one. Even though sometimes our make out sessions that still hadn't lead to anything more- except for that one time - could get a little rough sometimes, he seemed to like being pinned to the bed time and time again. I was just giving him what we wanted.

"I love you so, _so_ much." I whispered into his mouth before tangling my tongue with his. I licked around and played until he was whimpering with want, and it was practically involuntary when I rolled my hips into his, just enough to get him to pant faster and whimper louder with the torture of being so slow with my movements.

After hastily tearing his shirt off, along with my own, I brought my mouth to his neck, speedily leaving wet kisses down his skin before getting to his left collar bone, sucking and lightly nipping at the spot just above it. He closed his eyes and let out a moan, a bit quiet but high-pitched, causing my pants to get tighter with just that one incredibly hot sound he made.

"I'm so glad I know where your sweet spot is." I rasped into his ear, gently nibbling on the lobe and grinning in success at the way he shivered at my touch. "But I think I know a spot that'll have you moaning even louder." I breathed against his neck after burying my head into it, kissing a muscle along his throat before marking my way down his neck again. I paid special attention to his right collar bone, leaving an exceptionally sized hickey as I pressed my palm into his crotch, using just enough pressure for just the right amount of time to have him bucking his hips up into my hand.

"W-why do you always have to t-tease me-," He whimpered, but got cut off by his own groan as I slipped my hand inside of his pants. The jeans he was wearing were incredibly tight, allowing my hand almost no room to move, leaving it sandwiched in between his crotch and the denim. It was quite alright with me though- I had all the access I needed to get him squirming and moaning within seconds.

"You're so fucking attractive, Vic." I commented after seeing his desperate expression get distorted to one of pleasure. He only whimpered again in response, rutting his hips up against my hand that was skillfully placed directly on his member through the fabric. "You like that?" I smirked as I squeezed him through the barricade of his boxers, knowing full well by his groan that he obviously did. "Y-yeah." He choked out, grinding his hips against my hand, attempting to gain more friction. "I think someone's a little needy." I remarked, chuckling almost evilly as he moaned softly and nodded his head frantically, his eyes still closed.

"I think I'm going to have to stop you there." Her voice called to us from across the room, just as I was slipping my hand out of his jeans and moving to pull down his zipper. Vic froze and his eyes shot open, staring up at me, seemingly too afraid to look over at the she-devil on the other side of the room. "Are you fucking kidding me?" I nearly growled. Of course. Of _fucking course_, she had to wait until just the right moment, just as we were getting to the good part, to go and have us stop. How long had she even been standing there, anyway? Had she really been just been watching us in anticipation, ready to have a front row seat to see two gay kids get each other off? What a fucking bitch. No wait, correction: What a fucking pervert.

"What do you think you're doing?" I asked, not even bothering to wipe the snarl off of my face as I turned to glare at her. She was leaning against the wall, so casually, like she was actually just about to watch us touch each other's dicks like it was some sort of fucking live entertainment show. "And just what do you think _you're_ doing? I'm pretty sure I specifically told you _not_ to have sex in here, or were you too busy _ignoring everything I say_ to hear me?" She was getting louder now, her arms crossed over her chest while she glared at me with narrowed eyes.

"We weren't going to have sex! What were you doing just standing there watching us, anyway?" I raised my voice as well, finally moving off of Vic and snatching my shirt up that had been carelessly thrown to the floor, pulling it over my head and seeing Vic scramble to do the same. "Well, I needed to speak with Vic, but when I saw you two being all cute with each other and talking about how you were _so_ in love, I thought I'd wait and let you finish your little moment. I didn't know you'd start getting all frisky and shoving your hand down his pants!" She said, throwing her hands up in exasperation and moving away from the wall to stand up straight.

"Okay, well, we're obviously done now, or at least as done as we can be with your interruption. What do you want?" I said grumpily, even more pissed off with her than usual, because she'd actually just cock-blocked me. "Did you not hear me? I said I need to speak with Vic for a moment." She said to the both of us, gesturing for Vic to follow her out of the room. He looked at me worriedly, like he was legitimately scared of being alone with her, before walking over to her, keeping his distance as he trailed behind her out the door.

Can she be any fucking worse? Taking away the perfect opportunity to finally get rid of some sexual tension, and then taking Vic away from me as well? I knew she hated me and all, but it was so early in the morning- couldn't she wait until the sun was fully up to be a complete bitch?

"No! No, no, no!" I heard Vic's voice yell from just outside of the door, and that's when I got scared. What the fuck could she have said to him? I knew that she'd implied threats to separate us or at least punish us more severely before, but I never thought she'd actually do it. A second later, Vic was stumbling through the door, promptly slamming it shut behind him, flinging himself into my lap and clutching onto me for dear life. He was already shaking with sobs as he wrapped his legs around my waist, gripping fistfuls of my shirt in his hands. I was surprised at first, but oddly enough, we'd been in almost the exact same position before, so I figured I could handle it somewhat well. At least, I hoped I could.

"It's okay, you're okay. You're fine Vic; you're going to be fine…" I purred into his ear softly, trying my best to calm him down even though I didn't know what was going on. My words didn't really seem to have an effect on him though. When he pretty much ignored my pathetic attempts at comforting him, or was too busy bawling over whatever that bitch had said to upset him to listen to my weak excuses at being a good boyfriend, the most I could do was just sit there and let him cry into my shoulder, holding him tightly and rubbing slow, gentle circles into his back.

"S-she, she's…" He didn't get much out before he was breaking down again, wetting my shirt and skin with tears and clinging to me like I was the only thing keeping him alive. "Shhh, it's alright, babe. Just calm down. You're okay, it's okay…" I wasn't sure where the pet name had come from; it just sort of slipped out. He didn't make any comment on it though, let alone an objection, so I figured he must be okay with it. Or, at least as okay with it as he could be given our current situation and circumstances. He obviously had more on his mind to think about right now. It was also possible that he hadn't even heard me.

It took maybe ten minutes for him to settle down, most of his shaking having ceased and his tears decreasing from streams to just a couple wetting his cheeks every now and again. "Hey, are you alright?" I asked him in a whisper, gently pushing his shoulders back so I could get a look at his face. "I… no! No, I'm not alright! She… I… I-I can't! I won't! No…no, no…." He was trying to shout but his weak voice wasn't doing him much justice, cracking and breaking on almost every other word. It only took him about a second after his little outburst to start crying again, his whole body shaking violently as he sobbed against me, once again wrapping his limbs around any part of me that he could hold onto, squeezing tight like his life depended on it. "Aw, babe…" I cooed, using the pet name again just because I felt like it fit him. "S-she… S-she wants me to go s-see a th-therapist." He stammered out, barely even coherent enough for me to comprehend through his attempts to choke back tears.

It was probably another fifteen minutes until he was somewhat relaxed again. Most of his crying had stopped, now reduced to a few quiet sniffles, shudders and shivers. I had waited until he was calm again to speak, knowing it would be pointless to try and get a proper response out of him through his sobs and tears. "So… she wants to send you to… to a therapist, I said slowly and cautiously, for fear that just mentioning it would be enough to set him off again. I let out an inward sigh of relief when he didn't burst into tears again, and began stroking my hand gently along his lower back, trying to coax an answer out of him. His head was still nuzzled in the crook of my neck as he barely nodded his head, his soft hair ticking my face. He seemed to be weak now, or tired, rather; exhausted and all cried out.

"Why does she want you to see a therapist?" I questioned, actually dumbfounded. Now that I put some thought into it, a therapist or specialist of some type might be really good for him. We both knew, or at least I knew, that he was broken and needed some help, even if he wasn't willing to accept that fact and any offers that might come his way. He wasn't necessarily _unstable_, per say, but he wasn't completely stable, either. I wasn't calling him mental or accusing him of needing "special" help, but he definitely needed _something._ Something that I apparently couldn't provide him with through my limited amount of kisses and cuddles and love. Maybe he could really benefit from seeing someone who specializes in this kind of stuff. The thing that I was confused about though, was how Lucy _knew_ he needed to see someone. She'd barely even had one full conversation with him for the whole month that he'd been here, and now she was trying to say she knew what went on inside his head and knew what was best for him? Yeah fucking right.

"I d-don't know… s-she said that she h-heard me yelling about h-ow I hated m-myself yesterday in the b-bathroom. I-I guess n-now she thinks I need to see s-someone…" He mumbled, before looking at me and frantically shaking his head. "I-I don't… I don't want to though!" He whisper-yelled, his bottom lip beginning to tremble. "Shhh, it's okay…" I told him, cupping his face in my hands and wiping away the few fresh tears that had rolled down his flushed cheeks.

What the fuck was Lucy doing making decisions for him?! She had no right to do that, or even suggest anything of the sort! She didn't even know him. I couldn't believe she was actually pretending to care and trying to force him into something he clearly didn't want, when just a few weeks ago, she was yelling at him and blaming him for something that wasn't even his fault.

"I'm not saying that you have to go, but…. Why don't you want to?" He pulled away from my grasp immediately, shuffling back in my lap to show off his wide eyes and confused stare. "Because, Kellin! My experience with therapists has _not_ been very good! All they do is just sit there and act like they know everything while they write down meaningless judgments and accusations about you! The last time someone tried to take pity on me and sent me to one of those idiots that don't know what they're talking about, someone got killed because they were stupid enough to feel sorry for me! I'm not worth any of the trouble at all! And I know what you're thinking; I know I'm fucked up, I know that I'm stupid, insane, whatever, and you probably think I need the help. But I don't need to see some prick that doesn't actually give a fuck about me at all to sit there and stare at me for an hour just so they can get their fucking money! If I have to go in another one of those fucking claustrophobic little rooms again with another one of those idiots that never look up from their clipboard, I'll just start thinking of Clara again. I don't want to go back. Please, Kellin. Please. I can't. I won't. Please." He was pleading and begging with me not to send him to a therapist, but also standing his ground and telling me he refused to see one anyone. It's like he was torn between listening to me and listening to himself, and I was curious, but actually a bit scared to see what side would win. Also, I'm pretty sure that was the most I'd heard Vic curse, like… ever. He didn't like it when I did, and usually refrained from doing it himself. But when his emotions got the better of him, I'd noticed that he'd sort of lose control, and didn't really focus on his inhibitions to not use foul language.

"Vic…" I said quietly, staring straight into his glassy, bloodshot eyes that were still brimming with unshed tears. It was obvious how much he didn't want to go, and I didn't want to push him into anything he wasn't okay with doing, especially when Lucy was the one who had suggested it. Now that it was my main focus though, I realized that Vic really _did_ need something, anything, to help him even in the slightest. I felt terrible for what I was going to say next, but I refused to just sit there and watch the boy I love slowly get worse and worse, without even attempting any efforts of help.

"Vic, I… I know you don't want to, but… I think you should go see some-," I was stopped by Vic's loud cry of a hopeless "No!" He pushed me away from him and slid out of my lap, standing in front of me and slowly backing away in less than a couple of seconds. "I-I thought you of all people would understand! I-I can't! No! I'm not going! Why would you do this to me, Kellin?!" He sounded like he wanted to cry again, but I don't think his body could produce any more tears. "Vic, come on-," I started to plead, but he quickly shook his head and stumbled backwards away from me even further. "St-stop! No! I-I'm not going! Leave me alone!" The way he looked at me; it was as if he were afraid, terrified of what my next move would be. He was cringing with every baby step I took towards him, and I was only halfway across the room. It was almost as if he thought I was about to throw him over my shoulder and haul him to a psychiatrist myself, despite all of his cries and protests. His back hit the wall behind him, and he looked up at me, panic and fear blazing in his brown eyes.

I was still advancing slowly, cautiously, for fear of making any sudden movements that might startle him more than he already was. It was like I was dealing with a baby animal. Although he looked afraid of me, or at least afraid of what he expected me to say or do, he made no move to run away from me or leave the room. He almost seemed frozen in place- bones locked and unmoving out of fear.

I nearly felt my heart break when I reached a hand out, intending to cup his cheek, and he closed his eyes and flinched, like he thought I was going to hit him. I knew that he had bad experiences with disobeying orders and refusing to do what he was told in the past, because of that shitty uncle of his. But I wasn't his uncle. I could be an asshole at times, but never to Vic. I was Kellin. Stupid, idiotic, a fuck up and at times a dick head, but never someone who would hurt the person I loved. I would never, _ever_ even _think_ about hurting him in any way, shape or form, but it broke my heart more than he would ever realize to know that he wasn't aware of this- that he actually thought I would ever try or want to cause him harm.

"Vic, I…" Was all I got out before he was yelling again. "I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry! I'll do what you say! I'll go to a therapist, I'll do whatever you want me to do! Just please, _please_, d-don't hit me!" He sobbed, in a voice that was so desperate and terrified that any person who even just _looked_ at him would feel the need to comfort him, to hold him in my arms like I wanted to, and tell him that it was okay. His eyes were still screwed shut as he cowered away from me against the wall, awaiting the impending blow that was never going to come.

"Vic… open your eyes." I told him softly, filling the now small distance between us and gently placing my arms around his waist. He flinched and tensed up at my touch, shaking his head and squirming in my hold, his eyes still closed tight. "Vic, please. Look at me." I said, a bit more stern this time. He cringed at my change of tone, even if I hadn't intended to intimidate him even further, but did as he was told and cautiously opened his eyes.

"Please don't be afraid of me. I'm not going to hurt you, Vic." I frowned, upset that I had to say such a thing. You'd expect that the person you loved, and who also claimed they loved you in return, would know that you'd never do them wrong or cause them any pain. Vic, though, he had actually been expecting me to hit him, to _punish_ him when he had done nothing wrong at all. His expression stayed the same, looking at me with the same terrified gaze that break my heart to see him looking at me with.

"Vic, please. It's me, Kellin. I'm not going to hurt you. Ever. I love you, okay? I love you." I didn't know what else to do, as I was sort of running out of options, so I leaned forward and crashed our lips together, in a desperate attempt to get him to see that he was okay, that I wasn't going to harm him.

"K-Kellin?" He questioned in a shaky voice once I'd pulled away. "Yeah. You really had me worried there, Victor." I said with a sad smile, relieved that he'd recognized me as his loving boyfriend rather than some psycho that wished to inflict pain upon him. With the way his bottom lip was trembling and he was shuddering nonstop, it seemed like he wanted to cry again, although we both knew that well had already run dry a long while ago. Instead of bursting into tears again, he just buried his head into my chest, grasping onto the front of my shirt and shivering against me. My arms were back around him in an instant, squeezing as tight as I could, letting him know that I was here to give him care and show him that he was loved, not to hurt him.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry… I just… I really thought you were going to hurt me, and… All I could think of was Harvey. I'm so used to getting hit all the time w-when I disobey someone. I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" He repeatedly apologized against my chest over and over again, his words still slightly choked and getting muffled by my shirt. "Shhh, it's okay, Vic. I'm so sorry that you thought I was going to hit you… I guess I'm not a good enough person for you to see that I wouldn't. But I swear, I swear on my fucking life, that I would never ever in a million, billion years, _ever_ try to hurt you. I'm sorry that I even said anything else on the subject of a therapist. You told me that you don't want to, and I should have just left it at that. I'm sorry, okay? I just… I only want you to go because I love you, and I want the best for you. I won't force you into anything though. You don't have to, okay? I'm sorry." It felt good that we were getting out our apologies, even though Vic's weren't really necessary at all. It wasn't _his_ fault he'd expected to be punished, it was that douche bag uncle of his that had him expecting to be beaten and abused every time he'd only be acting his innocent self.

"I… I think…. If you really want me to…" He started, his voice still shaking. "I guess I'll go." He said unsurely. "No, Vic, it's okay. You don't have to." I objected, still hugging his tightly and petting his head softly. "If both you and Lucy say I should, then… I'll go. Just one time. Not even to see if I like it, because I'm not gonna go for a second time. Just to get it out of the way. I'll tell Lucy it's not working out and who knows? Maybe it'll do me _some_ sort of good, though I seriously doubt it. I just... I'm not too fond of the memories that are linked to it, you know?" He sighed, finally pulling his head off of my chest and looking up into my eyes. "I'll go with you, yeah?" I suggested, even though I was planning on going with him no matter what. I absolutely _hated_ when he was out of my sight- there was no way in hell I'd be so far away from him for a whole hour or two or however long those sessions or whatever lasted. "Please." He nodded, pleading with me, as if he thought I'd actually stay behind.

"So… we'll go tomorrow, okay? Or later this week? Whatever you want, we'll do it. I don't want you to be uncomfortable or anything, I… I just want you to be okay. I love you, babe." I told him, using that pet name for the third time today. "W-what did you just call me?" he asked, blinking at me confusedly, like he'd never heard the name before, or rather, like he'd never been called it before.

"Babe. Why, do you not like it? I'll stop, if you want." His lips turned up into a small smile as he shook his head. "N-no, you used it earlier, too. I-I like it. I've never… no one's ever called me something like that before. I don't know… I just like it." He admitted shyly, looking down and shuffling his feet. "Well that's good, because I've got plenty of other names, babe. Honey. Sweetie. Beautiful. Gorgeous. Love. Doll-face. Perfect." When a blush spread across his cheeks, I grinned in success at gaining the reaction I wanted. "I love you…" He muttered under his breath, the blush he had heating his cheeks creeping down to his neck. "I love you, too. Just promise me that when you do go, you won't give the therapist a hard time? Like, I don't know… just be nice, okay?" I advised him, giving his lips a quick peck. "Alright, Lucy." He said sarcastically, rolling his eyes and blushing just a tad deeper. "Excuse me, what was that?" I asked in mock hurt, playfully hitting him. "Sorry. Alright, babe." He said, grinning stupidly as he kissed me on the lips. "That's better." I mumbled against his lips, just barely running my tongue over his bottom one. So babe was our thing now, huh? I'd called my past partners other names in the, ranging from really stupid stuff like sugar to even calling each other monkey one time. Babe, though. I could really get used to that. Vic was my babe. And I loved him. Yeah, I was definitely already used to it.


	21. Chapter 21

"Okay, I don't want to do this anymore. Can we please go back?" I begged Kellin as we approached the psychiatric center before us. It was pretty far away, about an hour out of town, and a total of two hours away from the orphanage. I don't know why they were going through all of this just to send me to some random doctor that I know I won't have a fun time with at all. Both Lucy and Kellin's - but mostly Kellin's - concern was much appreciated, but I really wasn't worth the trouble.

Lucy had taken us in her own personal car. It was pretty useless for her to have one, seeing as she rarely ever left the orphanage, but I guess it did come in handy from time to time; specifically, times like now. After nearly a whole car ride of just listening to the sounds of me and Kellin kissing and occasionally moaning in the back seat, she seemed more than eager to get out of the car. When we arrived, she practically flung herself out of the vehicle, strutting far up ahead in front of us. Her legs were moving so briskly and her heels were clicking so fast on the pavement, that she almost forgot to lock the car doors behind her. Almost.

Kellin looked at me and gave me a small, sympathetic smile, grabbing my hand to intertwine our fingers. "Sorry babe, there's no backing out now. We're already here, let's just get it over with, okay?" He tried urging me on, giving my hand a squeeze. I loved him for being so supportive during this whole thing that I had made way more dramatic than it should be, and I was more than happy to have him with me every step of the way towards "getting better", as he called it. As much as he was trying, though, his words at the moment didn't really seem to help at all. My anxiety was kicking in and my stomach and nerves were acting up like crazy. I was actually really close to apologizing to him for my hand being so clammy and gross. It's not like he wasn't doing a good job in comforting me; I always felt extremely happy when I was with Kellin. No, it was my own fault. It was great that he was trying to help, but it seemed that I was sort of blocking out any attempts he would make at me at trying to make me feel better. Besides, I don't think anything he could say would really make me be okay with and anticipate what was ahead.

"Oh, um, I think I left my phone back in our room. We should go back and get it." I said stupidly and unsurely, mentally slapping myself at how pathetic the excuse to leave was. "You don't even have a phone, Vic. Even if you did, you wouldn't have anyone to call, anyway." He looked at me, making sure I saw the knowing smirk on his face. "Oh, well… I think I'm feeling a bit, um… sick. We should go back so I can lay down, in case I might faint or something." I tried again, leaning almost all of my weight on him for very unconvincing emphasis that caused him to stumble with supporting the extra weight. "Vic, use your legs!" he said with a chuckle, although he sounded more irritated than amused. "I feel dizzy, I need to lie down." I lied with a fake groan, throwing away any concerns I may have had about possibly annoying Kellin. He could be as pissed off at me as much as he wanted to be; right now, I just wanted to get away from that damned building.

"That's okay, they'll have plenty of places for you to rest in the therapist's office." He replied in a strained voice, struggling with tugging me and my unmoving legs across the parking lot. "Please, Kellin! I don't want to be here! I just want to go back to the orphanage!" I whined, but he just grunted and sighed as he continued to heave me towards our dreaded destination, my feet now completely unmoving and dragging along the ground.

"Just because you don't want to be here doesn't mean you can't walk properly!" He said in an exasperated tone, actually sounding a bit angry. Reluctantly, I stood up straight and steadily on my feet, for fear of continuing my childish behavior and maddening him even further with my immature antics. " Sorry…" I mumbled, looking down and actually feeling quite silly for fighting it so much. I just really, _really_ didn't want to go. There was no way I could really explain it, but with the way my hands were shaking even more violently than usual, I knew my anxiety alone could show how much I was really not looking forward to this.

I heard Kellin sigh again, softer and not angry-sounding at all this time. A moment later his hand was in mind again and his lips were on my cheek, placing a soft, reassuring kiss just below my cheekbone. "It's okay, Vic, you didn't do anything wrong. I know that it's hard for you, but you just have to get it over with, alright? I'll be in the room right next to you, and we can leave as soon as you get out." He said in a sweet tone. It was the one he would usually use when feeding me little baby bites of food in the dining room after everyone had left, on the days when I refused to eat, or when he was rubbing gentle circles into various little soft spots on my body as we were falling asleep at night. I couldn't say that voice of his was my favorite, since there was no way I could really _pick_ a favorite, but I definitely liked when he used it, and it always made me feel really… loved, for some reason. It was like the kind of voice you use when talking to an animal or an infant- it just sounded nice, and I liked that he used it on me.

He gave my hand another comforting squeeze after I nodded in response, and before I knew it, we were standing right in front of the door to the doctor's office or therapy place or whatever you call it. I preferred the term, "hell". With just one look at the inside of the building through the glass door, the anxious churning in my stomach worsened and I knew every part of my body had tensed up at one time. Kellin must've noticed, too, because he squeezed my hand again, although it didn't seem to calm me one bit.

We lingered in front of the building for probably a lot longer than we should have. I only realized that time had actually been passing for every extra moment that we stood there because Lucy ended up snapping at me out of impatience. "Well, are you going to go in on your own or am I going to have to pick you up and carry you in?" She said with a roll of her eyes, crossing her arms and tapping her foot, a habit of hers that I know Kellin hates. Every time he'd see her do it, even it wasn't because of one of us, he'd groan loudly and smack his hand to his forehead. He'd usually say, "Why does she always have to fucking do that?! Tapping her foot isn't going to make whatever she's waiting for go any faster! That's so annoying!", or something along those lines. Sometimes it was actually sort of funny- Kellin just always seemed to put me in a good mood, even if he wasn't very happy himself.

"Okay, first of all, you probably couldn't even lift him up, even though he weighs like, nothing, because you don't have any strength. And secondly, just chill out, we'll go inside in a second. Give us a minute, would you?" He spat back at her, seeming sort of irritated, probably because of the tapping of her foot, and also because of the way she was being so… well, bitchy.

"Whatever, Kellin. You have one minute. Hurry up. I didn't drive all the way out here just so you two could stand around outside and talk." She scoffed, pushing open the door and making her way into the waiting room, the clicking of her heels echoing once she entered.

I turned back to Kellin, looking at him desperately; somehow hoping that pleading with my eyes would convince him to let me turn back, because verbal attempts had obviously failed. When he shook his head, I almost felt like crying. Now that I was so close to doing it, the nauseous feeling I had was the worst it had been ever while thinking about the subject of therapy. My bottom lip was quivering and I felt like I was going to let a few tears slip, so I nuzzled my head into Kellin's neck, something that calmed me down, even the least bit, instantly.

"Aw, Vic, don't cry, babe. I'm sorry that we made you do this…" He whispered into my hair after placing a kiss atop my head and wrapping his arms around my waist, embracing me tightly and lightly swaying us back and forth. "Here, I'll tell you what. If you make it through the whole forty-five minutes, I'll… give you a little reward for being a good boy when we get back to the orphanage. Does that sound good?" He pulled back a bit to look to me for a response. I probably just only looked confused though. Reward? What the hell was he talking about?

"W-what's the reward going to be?" I questioned, curious as to what his crazy mind could possibly be conjuring up, and to see if the prize at the end would even be worth the trouble of doing this. Knowing Kellin though, it'll probably end up being something really stupid. Or cliché. Or both. "I guess you'll just have to get through your session and find out, won't you?" he grinned, baring his perfectly straight teeth. I got so lost in the sight of his beautiful smile that I found myself absentmindedly shaking my head yes. I hadn't even realized what I was agreeing to until I heard Kellin's satisfied response of, "Good, let's go." and I was being pulled along with him into the building.

The waiting room was terribly cold, but I figured that they just liked their clients to start feeling uncomfortable even before the sessions began. "Finally." Lucy said, walking to us from across the room, not minding the volume of her tone even though there were other people in the room and they were all reading magazines or ticking away the time of the wait on their phones silently. "Do you want to be any louder? You do remember that this is a place where _sick_ people go, right? They need it quiet, Lucy. Unless you want to get kicked out for disturbing the doctors and their work?" Kellin said in a harsh whisper, glaring at her. She rolled her eyes and shook her head, walking back over to the stiff looking chair and picking back up on leafing through some sort of adult fashion magazine. I was about to tell Kellin to relax, that Lucy's voice was at a reasonable level, (even though it wasn't) until I saw a fancy looking sign stood up by the door, with the words, "_Please be respectful and turn off all pagers, cell phones, tablets, etc. Loud alerts and noises such as crying children and inconsiderate conversations above correct level will not be tolerated. Keep electronics on silent and keep voices to a whisper. Thank you_." Oh, well I guess he was right then. Maybe not _every_ mean thing he says to her is out of hatred. Then again, he could have told her a bit more nicely...

Kellin pulled at my hand, nodding his head in the direction of a black leather couch in the middle of the room, the back of it against another couch identical to it, with rugs underneath the legs and end tables with fake potted plants on either side of the arms rests. We both took a seat, and I cringed as the leather squeaked and chafed underneath us. Why did it have to be a _leather_ couch? It was too cold in here for leather seats. I'd always hated leather couches. They weren't comfortable, they made too much noise, and if you were sweating, you'd leave marks all over the cushions and would make the material smell like perspiration for weeks. Can you say worst possible idea for a piece of furniture ever?

Our fingers were still laced together when I was called to see the doctor. "Victor Fuentes, room 3A." The monotonous voice of the middle-aged woman at the front desk called out of her convenient little glass window. I turned to look at Kellin, a frightened feeling taking over my entire being, and probably showing in my face as well. "You'll be okay, Vic. This is for your own good." He smiled softly, but his eyes were sad, like the sight of me being scared was hard for him as well. I didn't respond, just held onto his hand tighter and looked away, too afraid to get up and walk to where I was supposed to go. "Vic, come on, they're expecting you." He nudged me gently, as if that was supposed to make me want to leave him. I shook my head and looked up, meeting his gaze again. He sighed, frowning at me, the same sad look in his usually bright, happy eyes. "Do you want me to walk you to the door?" He suggested, and I shrugged my shoulders. Of course I didn't_ want _him to- I didn't want to go in there at all. But if I had to, I'd rather have him by my side for as long as possible.

"Alright, come on." He sighed, standing up with my hand still in his, ultimately pulling me up with him. It's not like the walk to the door leading to the rooms was an incredibly long journey. It actually only lasted a few seconds. When we got to the door that I supposed lead into a hallway of some sort, I just stood there glaring at it, because I knew I would hate whatever was behind it. "Go on." Kellin nudged me again softly, pulling his hand away from mine as well. I was surprised I didn't let out a whimper at the loss of his warmth, but I did show off a pout to let him know that I didn't like that he's separated our hands. "C-can I get a kiss first?" I asked quietly, giving him my best puppy dog eyes, even though they probably weren't very cute at all. "Duh." He said, rolling his eyes and leaning in to give me a quick peck on the lips. Just as he pulled away though, I remembered that not everyone was okay with gay couples. Looking around the room to see if anyone had seen us and disapproved, I caught sight of one woman sitting in the corner by a window. Her orange hair was pulled up into a tight bun, and her face was pulled into one of disgust, staring directly at Kellin and I. I had caught the distinct "ugh" noise when Kellin's lips met mine, and it bothered me so much that there was still such discriminating and judgmental people in the world.

Just for the sake of that one uptight-looking woman, I pressed my lips to Kellin's once more, smirking at the even more bothered look on the lady's face once we pulled away. "Have fun?" Kellin said unsurely, as if he already knew that his sarcastic humor wouldn't be helping out this time around. "Right. I love you." I told him, pushing open the heavy door, just barely catching Kellin's "I love you, too." Right before it closed and he was gone.

Well, I was right about it leading to a hallway. A fairly lengthy corridor was stretched out in front of me; framed, expensive-looking paintings of flowers and beach scenes hanging up in between doors on the boring gray walls. Were those supposed to give the impression that this was a happy place?

I timidly began walking down the hall to find my room, a bit unnerved by the silence. As if on cue, a loud sob came from somewhere down at the end of the hall, and after a few moments of dramatic weeping, a door on the far left opened to reveal a bawling woman, crying streams and streams of tears as who I guessed was the doctor muttered "shhh's" and "it's okay's" to her as they made their way towards the door I had just come through. I stepped to the side, allowing them to pass by me. What had that person said to make that woman break down like that? If it could happen to a grown adult, couldn't it very well happen to me? I didn't trust these people already.

After the pair had passed and were back out in the waiting room, I began making my way down the hallway again, a bit quicker now, afraid of lingering around too long to witness another nerve-wracking scene. I was at the very end of the hallway, and I was about to call it quits and just leave, ready to use the excuse that I couldn't find the room where I was supposed to go. The very last door on the left though, was marked with a white "3A", just below a sign with the doctor's name on it. I didn't bother reading the name, because I honestly didn't care at the moment. I was focused more on the fact that this was the room that the crying lady had just come out of. I was supposed to spend a whole forty-five minutes with a woman that made another grown lady cry? Like hell I would!

But then I thought of Kellin. How disappointed he'd be in me if he saw me walk back out into the waiting room before my time was up, and how I wouldn't be receiving whatever overrated reward he'd promised me for staying the whole session. With a sigh, I slowly reached one of my shaking hands to the handle on the door. It was cold, just like the rest of the entire building, but I didn't waste time thinking about it. Quickly I turned it and stepped inside, shutting the door closed softly behind me.

The therapist's office had a sort of creepy feel to it. Maybe it was the unwelcoming color scheme of blacks, grays, and dark mahogany's, or maybe it was just my irrational fear of the whole situation ahead, but I knew for sure that I didn't like the place one bit. Knowing that the doctor was out dealing with the distressed woman from before, I slowly walked to the deep red couch that was sat at an angle in front of the wooden desk. I cringed at the sound my weight elicited from the chair. Leather- of course.

I only had enough time to take a quick scan around the room before the door was opening behind me. I flinched at the sudden sound and whipped my head around to give the lady walking through the door what was meant to be a glare, but probably ended up only looking like a frightened expression.

"Oh, hello. You're Victor, I presume?"

Her voice was cheery and happy, but still calm and quiet. I guess she sort of had to be soft-speaking; not knowing what could set certain people off. Or maybe she was just naturally soft-speaking, because with the way that woman before me had been crying her eyes out, this doctor or whatever must not be very good at keeping people under control and making them feel okay.

"Y-yeah, um, I g-go by Vic." I stammered out, inwardly sighing at my nervous stuttering. She gave me a soft smile that I didn't return, shutting the door and walking around the couch until she made it behind her desk, taking a seat in the dark red swivel chair that matched the couch.

"I apologize that you had to wait in here alone, I had a bit of an issue to sort out, as you may have seen." She said without looking up, shuffling stacks of files and papers around on her desk, even though it all seemed to be organized just fine. "Why did you make her cry?" I blurted out, but didn't regret saying it. It was obviously something this doctor had done wrong, or else that lady wouldn't have been bawling like she was. People come here to try and get better, not to be triggered or put in a bad mood. Why did I have to be stuck with the one that apparently didn't know how to do her job correctly?

"Oh, Vic. I didn't _make_ her cry, and if I had, I didn't do it on purpose or to make her feel bad. You see, therapists and psychiatrists deal with and study people's emotions, and they listen to what problems and conflicts they might be going through. Wendy there just had a bit of a tough time getting those emotions and problems out through words, so her mind had her cry in response to those different feelings caused by certain issues instead. You understand, right?" She seemed to be very quick to defend herself, and although what she said made sense, I still didn't really trust her. "I guess." I responded quietly, shifting uncomfortably on the couch. Damn leather.

"Good. So, let's get started then, shall we? My full name is Zoella Caroline Bailey, but you may call me any of those three names that you please. Dr. Bailey is what most of my patients prefer to call me, but I've had a few Zoe's and Caroline's in the mix, as well. So, what'll it be?" She pronounced all of her words so precisely and clearly, and all of her sentences were so clean and crisp- it actually sort of bothered me. I'd always hated when people were all prim and proper. Why not speak like a normal person? What was the point of showing how correct your grammar was and what advanced vocabulary you had? No one cared about your excelling degree of fine education. No one comes here to listen to you to drone on and on with your overrated literary and speaking skills.

"Dr. Bailey is fine…" I said, my hands fiddling nervously in my lap. "Alright then. So, what brings you here today?" She asked nicely in her gentle voice, although I didn't really appreciate how she was talking to me. I wish I could just stand up and yell at her that I wasn't psycho or mentally unstable, that I didn't need to be spoken to in such a delicate and sweet tone of voice like I was five years old. An outburst like that, however, would surely make her think that what I was screaming in her face about was the exact opposite of the truth.

"I was forced into it."

It wasn't a total lie. If Lucy hadn't brought up the idea and Kellin hadn't convinced me enough, I wouldn't be two hours away from the orphanage, where I would much rather be, laying in bed and kissing Kellin without any thoughts of a therapist on my brain. I guess it wasn't the full truth either though, seeing as I'd technically agreed to come here. I wanted to make her see that I didn't want to be here though; whatever it took to show her that I hated therapists and what they did.

"I see. So you do not want to be here today?" She was writing things down in a file now, looking up at me every few seconds. "Not at all." I said. So this was how it was going to go down? Just question after question until I'd finally get to leave? Sounded fair enough to me. As long as she didn't act like she actually cared about what I was telling her. That was the thing about these therapists- they don't actually have any interest in what you're saying at all. They'll only pay attention to a few specific details of your story of problem, listening for words like "depressed" and "panic", just so they could put you on medication and get more money than you intended to give them. That's what it was all about- nothing more, nothing less. Just the money.

"Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Hopefully I'll be able to change your mind on that before our time is up."

If she thinks she can actually make me like her, she's got another thing coming. "Probably not." I responded, wishing that I could've said it in a harsher tone to show her that I really had no intentions of ever growing fond of her at all. I was too nervous and actually quite terrified to show any other emotion than fear though, so I just stuck with the quiet voice I had been keeping up since I entered the building.

"So, some people are sent here, or sometimes come here by choice, to get better, and sometimes that requires medication. Are you on any medication right now, Vic?" She stared me down after questioning me. She'd actually been doing that the entire time- eyeballing me after every little thing she'd ask or say, as if that was supposed to force a response out of me or make me want to reply. Obviously, this woman did not know how to work with people correctly, because nearly glaring at someone to get them to speak, especially when said people apparently needed "help", was not the way to go about getting information from them.

"Uh, y-yeah, I'm on Venlafaxine for depression, anxiety and panic disorder." I don't know why, but it felt really embarrassing to admit to having things wrong with me. I knew that she was used to having fucked up people around her all the time, but I wasn't like them. I wasn't insane, and I didn't even really need special medication to make my head less screwy. Some of these doctors had it all wrong. Not every single person that was feeling down necessarily had something wrong with them. I didn't need special drugs and therapy to get me to feel better- I just needed someone to be there for me; to love me and need me. Honestly, Kellin was doing wonders to clear my head and make me happier, making way more of an impact than those stupid pills ever had.

"Strength?" She asked, scribbling away in a file, for once not staring up at me after asking her question. "U-um, 187.5 milligrams." Fuck, why did I always fucking stutter all the time? "Okay and how often do you take them?" She asked, still not looking away from whatever she was scrawling down. "W-well, um, I'm s-supposed to take one every day, b-but lately I haven't. T-they usually make me dizzy and make my head hurt, and sometimes they'll m-make me sleepy." Why was all of this so hard for me to say?

"Alright then, that's about it for the boring stuff. So, tell me about yourself, whatever you think is important to say. It doesn't even have to be about your depression or anything right now. Let's see, um… tell me about your family." Really? She had to pick literally the worst possible thing for me to talk about? Okay, well let's try and make this story as tragic and depressing as possible, just to make her feel bad for bringing up the subject. Maybe it'll teach her to think more before just butting into people's lives and interrogating them, especially on something that can be such a touchy topic for some people.

"Both of my parents are dead and my brother's a drug addict and dealer that's in jail. My uncle is a douche bag that doesn't give a shit about me at all. I have no other family in the area, not that they care about me at all either. Is that enough information for you?" I spat, glaring in a way that I hoped looked angry, or at least mean. She needs to be aware that you can't just jump into conversations involving family or other sensitive areas of people's lives. She's a doctor that deals with _feelings_- shouldn't she know about this?

"Oh, well… I'm sorry to hear that." No, you're not.

"Where are you currently living at the moment, and who is the guardian that watches over you and takes care of you since your parents aren't around?" Yeah sure, just go ahead and talk about how my parents aren't alive, that's totally fine. "Um, I-I stay at an orphanage in northern San Diego, about two hours from here. They have eight caretakers there, but the one that'll usually check up on us, her name is Lucy." None of this even matters! When can she stop acting like she cares about what I have to say and just get on with all of the judgmental shit and conversations about feelings or whatever?

"When you say us, do you mean you and the other kids at the orphanage, or do you have a specific person or group of people that you are usually surrounded with or chose to hang out with?" She was back to writing things down, now on a piece of lined paper on a yellow notepad on her desk. At least she wasn't trying to make eye contact anymore.

"I stay with my boyfriend Kellin all day long. We share a room together so we're never separated." And now comes the part where we find out if she's homophobic. This should be interesting.

"Boyfriend?" She asked, seeming a bit taken aback, but not disgusted or revolted like the orange-haired woman from before had been. "Yes, boyfriend, as in yes, I'm gay. Is that a problem?" I hoped I sounded the least bit menacing, showing her that my sexuality wasn't something for people to hate me for. Everything else though, like the fact that I was fucking stupid and didn't know how to control myself, they could hate me for that. But not because I loved another boy. That was just ignorant.

"No, not at all. So you and Kellin are close?" _No_, we're in a relationship together because we _hate_ each other. "I love him." I stated simply, hoping that she understood that as an obvious, "Yes, I am very fucking close with my perfect boyfriend, you dumb shit."

"I see. So tell me about the caretaker you mentioned. Lucy, was it?" I could tell you about Lucy, or you could stop pretending to care about my life and just get on with what I'm actually here for.

"Y-yeah, um, she's okay I guess." Lie. "She's really cool and all the kids there seem to like her." Lie. "But Kellin and I, w-we don't particularly favor her. Actually, we aren't very fond of any of the caretakers. Not because they're mean or bad at their jobs or anything, it's just that we don't really speak to or even really see them much. We're usually just by ourselves, away from everyone else in our room." Finally, Vic decides to tell the truth.

"So… do you think all of this time being spent with Kellin is having a negative effect on any of your disorders? Do you think that maybe your situations and emotions could improve if you maybe got out of your comfort zone a little bit and spoke to the other children at the orphanage?" Is she trying to call me anti-social?

"No, not at all. My anxiety actually makes me kind of… shy, I guess, so I don't really like talking to people I'm not close with. Like I said, I love Kellin, and if he's done anything to impact my life, he's definitely helped me." Is she even a real doctor? Anxiety comes in different forms, and one of those forms can be social anxiety. When someone has social anxiety, they have a fear of engaging in conversations with other people, for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing, or being judged, even if the possibility of that happening is unlikely. People with social anxiety will usually be residing and quiet, and will rarely step out of their comfort zone to talk to people they aren't familiar with if they don't really have to. I almost want to just stand on top of her desk and lecture her about how she's not doing her job right. She's the one who apparently has a degree and is certified in this sort of stuff, so why do I feel like I need to educate her because she has no idea what she's talking about? Damn woman. "Doctor" Bailey my ass.

"I understand, I just had to be sure. Sometimes you can think that someone is doing you good, but when you stop and think about it, it's actually quite the opposite. I'm not saying that this is the case for you, but I just wanted to check to be certain." Right, or maybe you're just fucking stupid.

"Okay, so, now that the easier part is out of the way, we're going to move into the "feelings" part of the session, the segment that people seem to have mixed feelings about. Some enjoy being able to express their thoughts and finally vent out all of their pent up emotions, while others prefer to just keep to themselves, or talk to someone that they know a bit better rather than a random doctor. How do you feel about opening up to me?" Did she actually just ask that? Was she not listening when I said that I was forced into coming here?

"U-um, it's fine, I guess."

'_Damnit, Vic! Why do you have to be such a shy little bitch all the time? Why can't you ever just fucking speak up for once instead of just being a quiet little faggot that doesn't know how to speak properly?'_

I would've been a lot happier if I just stood from that awful leather couch, crawled on top of her overly-expensive desk, and shouted right in her face that I hate therapists, I hate her, and I hated having to be in this God damn room on a fucking leather couch. But no, my mind was apparently too stupid to function and correctly "express" my emotions through words and actions. Every single aggressive or even somewhat mean thing I'd ever thought about doing, was barely ever carried out, and was translated into the quiet, shy demeanor that I always seem to practice. Maybe I just didn't know how to channel my emotions. Unless love was an emotion, because I don't even think I can count all of the different ways that I could show Kellin that I loved him.

"Good, I'm glad to know that this will go smoothly. Some people always try to fight the whole process, but if they just calmed down and saw that everything was alright, it would all go by a lot faster than when they were rejecting and refusing it." She said with a light scoff that I just barely caught. Was she actually complaining to me about her other patients? I swear to fucking God, she doesn't understand what her job is even about. She should expect most people, especially people that come here to get "fixed", to not want to tell her their entire fucking life story on the spot. For the majority of them, like the case for me, she was just a fucking stranger, asking about all of their feelings and medications and shit. If I could slap her, I definitely would. Maybe it would knock some of the bitchiness out of her and be replaced with a little common sense.

"So, how do you think you are in terms of… let's say, stableness. How do you think your depression has changed since you've been diagnosed? Has it gotten better, worse, or stayed the same?"

Now that I actually think about it, I'm not quite sure how to answer that. My mom had brought me to a doctor at age eleven, saying that I was always jumpy and fidgety and timid. At first they'd tried to just push her away and tell her that I was just shy, but she insisted that they do something to try and figure out what was wrong with me. They'd told me at age eleven, when I was only in fifth fucking grade, that I was screwed up in the brain and had anxiety disorder- social anxiety, to be more specific. My mom was so supportive through all of that, but she was so… clingy, I guess is the best way to describe it. I was always in her sight, and we'd be going to the doctor almost every other week because she'd always think there was a change in me that she wanted to check up on. Eventually, one of her theories was right, because just near summer break in the same year, a different doctor labeled me as depressed, changed my prescription to something stronger and upped my dosage. I didn't really have much of an idea of what was going on, seeing as I hadn't even gone through puberty, so how was I supposed to know how to control my feelings and whatever at such a young age? But I did know that my mother thought I was messed up, and I just wanted to make her happy. So I had told her that the medication was doing its job. It wasn't a lie exactly; I just didn't know what the medicine was supposed to even be _doing._ The most recent doctor visit until now was the one Clara had sent me to. He'd changed my prescription once again, giving me some stronger pill that was somehow supposed to help with my anxiety, depression, and now newfound panic disorder. Since then, I guess I'd been taking the stuff on an almost regular basis, and had thought about overdosing just to end it all only a few times. Since I'd gotten to the orphanage, I'd honestly been feeling better. Sure I'd still been cutting until Kellin came along and saved me, I'd been pretty fucking shy when we first met, and there may have been more than a couple panic attacks in the mix, but honestly, I was doing a hell of a lot better than I was used to, and I can guarantee that it wasn't because of the stupid medicine that they put me on.

"Um… better. Y-yeah, definitely better. I don't think it's because of the medicine, though, since I haven't even really been taking it. I think… Kellin's really helped me with being happier and helping me get better. I don't know what I would do without him."

It was probably the most honest statement I'd ever said. Sure it sucked that my parents and my aunt had to die, I had to get beaten by my uncle, and my brother had to be taken to jail before I could ever be united with Kellin, but somehow, I was sort of thankful all of that had happened. Don't get me wrong, I loved my family (save for Harvey, of course), but I can't say that I was ever fully happy with them. Now that I'm with Kellin… I know what it's like to actually be in a good mood, and to just feel like I somewhat matter in the slightest. I probably sound a bit- okay, really crazy for thinking this, but if I was taken back in time, and given the path of keeping my family but never meeting Kellin, or choosing the path that I'm on now, I'm almost completely certain that I'd go with Kellin. I love him. I don't know what I'd do without him. I need him.

"Hm, so I see that you really are fond of him." Yeah, I've sort of told you that I love him almost five times now, or were you too busy being an arrogant little bitch "doctor" and writing meaningless nothings in your fucking notebook to hear me?

"So, I'm sorry that this question has to come up, but I have to ask; have you ever tried to or successfully hurt yourself? Speaking in terms of self-harm, like cutting, burning, or other things where you felt that you didn't want to be around anymore, such as suicide attempts?" she looked up from her notes, staring at me again; I guess finally finding a serious enough question to look at me for the answer. Like hell I would tell her the truth though.

"Uh, no, not at all. Wow, people actually do that?" I lied, although her expression didn't change, showing me that she didn't believe me a bit. Fuck, I wouldn't either. I'm a fucking terrible liar.

"Yes, sadly enough, some people actually feel the need to cause themselves harm or pain, thinking that it will get them through whatever problems they may have, though there have been no cases reported where it actually made a positive impact in any way." Or maybe they all just fucking lied to you. I mean, if _you_ dug a razor blade into your skin every single day, would _you_ fucking tell people that it felt _good_? Of course not; that'd make them think you're even more fucked up. People who haven't experienced these things just don't understand. Cutting helps, even in the slightest- it converts the emotional pain into real pain that you can't seem to get out just through talking to people, especially when you don't have anyone to talk to at all. That's one of the main reasons why I hate these doctors and therapists and other psychiatric people that think they know everything, when they really don't know shit. If you're going to judge people and tell them what to do with their life, at least know what exactly their going through first.

"Again, I apologize that this is even something we have to discuss, but… would you mind just pulling up the sleeves of your shirt so I can be certain that you're not in any danger of yourself, or have been previously?" In danger of myself? Is she trying to say that I'm actually a fucking mental hazard?

"Um… do I have to?" Fuck, my heart was racing and my palms were sweating even more now. I didn't want her to see what I'd done to myself, even if they were only just recently healed scars now, thanks to my precious Kellin. It was already embarrassing enough to tell her that I had problems wrong with my brain, how the fuck was I supposed to show her the _results_ of those problems? She'd starts asking more questions, try and get inside my head, and I've already been able to tell damn well that she won't understand what I've been through and am currently going through, "doctor" or not.

"Please, if you could. It will only take a second; just a quick glance and it'll be done. I know it's quite chilly in here, but it'll be over before you know it." Okay, now she was making it sound like I was I little kid that was about to get a shot or something. I shook my head, averting my gaze so she wouldn't try and meet my eyes again. I still didn't understand how she thought that would help anything; looking straight at someone, as if to make them as uncomfortable as she possible could until they cracked and spilled everything that she wanted to know under the pressure of her stare.

"Why aren't you comfortable showing me your arms?" She asked, her tone smothered with suspicion, although I'm sure she knew exactly why I didn't want her to see what was under my shirt.

"Um, I don't know; I don't really want to." I said, forcing out a nervous laugh that probably only made my story sound even less convincing. If I didn't want to lift up my sleeves, then I didn't have to. It's not like she would do it herself, right? Then again, I still didn't know exactly what she'd said or done to make that lady before me break down and sob her eyes out.

Speaking of the woman from earlier, how long ago had that even been? Avoiding "Dr." Bailey's face to pass by the intimidating stare down she would surely be giving me, I glanced at the clock, my eyes blowing wide as I saw the time. It'd have been exactly forty-five minutes that I'd been here in about thirty seconds. How did that go by so quickly? I was sure that it would have felt like a lot longer than it had. Maybe she'd actually asked me more questions than I'd heard, and I was just too busy dissing and screaming at her in my mind for being so God damn ignorant.

"Um, I think it's time for me to go now." I said quickly, not waiting for a response before hastily jumping up from that fucking awful leather couch. "Oh dear, it seems you're right. Are you sure that you don't want to stay for a bit longer? My next appointment isn't scheduled for about another thirty minutes-," Like hell I would stay longer than I was expected to.

"N-no, it's alright, I'd really like to get back to Kellin now." I said truthfully. Forty-five minutes was way too much time to be spent away from him, and now that I'd endured the whole torture session, I was actually really curious as to what he had planned for my "reward" or whatever the hell he'd been talking about before we came in.

"I understand. Well, it was nice meeting you Vic. Hopefully I've helped you in some way, even if it was just a sort of realization about you or your life. I hope you have a good day." She smiled at me, showing her teeth. It looked genuine enough, but for some reason, I couldn't really help but feel that she was faking it entirely. Her hand was extended towards me, intending for me to shake it. Two people shaking hands though was a sign of friendship though, or positive feelings, at least. And let me tell you, no positive feelings from me were felt towards her at all.

"Yeah, now that I'll be gone from here, I'll be sure to have a fucking fantastic day." I said, smirking when her face contorted at the use of my language. I usually held back from cursing, nearly all the time, actually. But I didn't like her, not one bit. And if she's made me "realize" anything through this stupid session, it's that maybe I should start showing my feelings more. And what better way to express pure _hatred_ for someone than through the use of not-so-nice words?

The smug smirk on my face stayed as I turned and opened the door to leave, promptly ignoring her handshake. Well, that wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. I'm definitely adding her to the list of people I don't like though, that's for sure. At least I put up with her for the entire session though; Kellin should be proud of me. Now, time to get my reward.


	22. Chapter 22

The minute Vic walked through the door, an incredibly uneasy feeling washed over me. He was on his own now. I wouldn't be able to calm him down if he got upset or even just anxious over something. Literally _anything_ could happen to him now that I wasn't right by his side to hold him and make sure he was okay. I knew I was overreacting, and probably just coming off as really, _really_ clingy, but I was way too attached to him to not be worried even in the slightest. It wasn't that I doubted that he could take care of himself on his own- I knew he was strong, he's proved that to me countless times now over the course of just one month. You couldn't blame me for being a bit paranoid that something would happen to him in that therapist's office behind the closed door, though. That doctor or whoever was in there could say or do the wrong thing, uncovering some deep and most likely traumatizing memory that'd have him sobbing and kicking and screaming like he wasn't even really there, like he was back in the flashback itself. It'd happened before, so who's to say it couldn't happen again, especially now that he was with a stranger that hadn't even known his name before they'd looked at their scheduled appointments for today? I just wish I could be in there with him is all, especially with the way he'd been close to crying upon just seeing the building we were in. I love him, and I just want him to be alright.

It was probably a good five minutes after he was gone that I realized I should probably sit down and stop staring blankly at the door, like silently willing him to come back through it would work. A sigh escaped my lips, partly because of how much of an overly-protective boyfriend I was being, but mostly because now I had forty-five minutes to kill in this freezing waiting room, with a really awkward silence, uncomfortable chairs, and no Vic.

I took a seat on the couch Vic and I had been sitting in before, seeing as all of the other chairs looked terribly hard and stiff. This probably wasn't much better, but I didn't feel like sitting next to any of the other people that apparently had appointments in this place, and I sure as hell didn't want to sit next to Lucy. The idea almost seemed appealing though, when I shifted my position and the indescribable but distasteful sound of leather interrupted the silence of the room. Fuck, are you kidding? I really, _really _hate leather. I can't fully explain why, but I just know that I do. And right now, it wasn't making this experience any better.

One by one, the few quiet people that occupied the room all got called out, their names all sounding dreadfully dreary in that fucking horribly dull voice of the receptionist or whatever at the front desk. It was obvious that she didn't like her job- I mean, who _would_ like a job where all you did all day was schedule appointments for apparent "emotionally unstable" people to see therapists all day? The least she could do was just up the enthusiasm in her tone though; even the slightest smidge of excitement or at least counterfeit joy in her voice would definitely liven up the mood of this place. Or maybe she was required to sound like that. I guess sometimes you don't know what could set some people off or make them burst into tears.

As soon as I'd sat down, I'd decided that I wouldn't be speaking to her this whole time. Her current attitude that she'd displayed before we'd gone inside made delving into conversation with her seem much less appealing than it usually did- not that it'd really be a conversation for long, anyway. Any communication between us soon turned into an argument of some type, usually caused by her. Sometimes I'd give her a chance, and maybe try and be nice for a change, but the minute her mouth would open, I'd just revert back to the opinions I'm used to having about her, and just continue with being all around pissed off until we ended up in another fight. I didn't want to risk that; not now. Not so I could possibly get thrown out for yelling at her in a place that was meant to be quiet, and not be there ready for Vic when he came back out of that room. A "conversation" between us was definitely not going to happen any time soon. Lucy wasn't worth breaking my promise to Vic.

Unfortunately, Lucy made it very difficult to restrain myself from speaking to her- or rather, snapping at her because she was fucking annoying. After only ten minutes at the most, when the room was clear of all other people, she'd began tapping her foot again. Holy fuck, I swear, she was _trying_ to make me mad. When I glared at her for a bit, even though she wasn't paying attention to me at all, it almost seemed like she was concentrating on tapping her foot more than she was reading her magazine. Was she a pain in the ass on purpose, or did it just come naturally to her?

It only took about a minute of the sound of her shoe repeatedly hitting the tile for me to finally crack and say something. I know I said that I wouldn't be talking to her, but this was serious business. She was _tapping her God damn foot_, for goodness sake. "Hey, could you like, stop?" I said through clenched teeth, narrowing my eyes at her to show that I really wasn't messing around. It was fucking annoying.

"Excuse me?" She looked up from her magazine that I'm almost completely sure she had no interest in at all, returning my irritated gaze and cocking her head, like she didn't think she was even doing anything wrong. "Your foot. Could you, you know, not tap your foot?" I rolled my eyes. She wasn't doing anything besides that, what else would I be mad at her for? Idiot.

With an annoyed sigh, she carefully closed her magazine and folded her hands on her lap, closing her eyes for a moment and taking a deep breath, like she was trying to compose herself, resisting the urge to lunge out and strangle me."I think… I think you have lost your way a little bit, Kellin. You see, _I _am in charge of you, _I_ make all the decisions, _I_ am the top dog. This does not require me to take orders from you, yet you keep telling me to do things and expecting me to listen to your every command like it does. I'm the boss, and you're just a minor. You don't have control over anything that happens, and especially not the things that I do and the choices that I make. So why do you keep acting like you rule over me? When are you going to learn your place?" She finished her rant with no emotion, which sort of surprised me. Usually after a bit of back and forth between us, her voice would usually be raising by now. She was completely calm though. Wasn't trying to restrain herself, wasn't doing her best to cool down- no, she was _calm._ I'm not sure why, but that seemed to anger me even more. It was like she was implying that I wasn't even _worth_ arguing with, that she didn't have to time and didn't think I was worth the _trouble_ of getting into a fight with. Who the fuck did she think she was?

"All I did was ask if you could stop tapping your foot." I muttered, rolling my eyes and looking away from her, showing that I was done with the argument, over it. She seemed to take it the wrong way, though, and kept at it. Why didn't she ever know when to stop? It was almost as if she was _asking_ me to get up and fucking murder her. She didn't seem to realize that one day she was going to bother me to my breaking point.

"Why do you hate me?" She said suddenly, causing me to snap my eyes to her in an instant. Well, that was definitely not the response I was expecting. "Fuck off." I sighed, hoping she'd get the hint that I really wasn't in the mood for her to mess with me today. Besides, it's pretty damn obvious why I fucking hate her entire being. She's pretending to be all innocent, like she's never done anything wrong or been rude to me in any way. If she really didn't see why I hated her, she needs to sit down for a nice long while and fucking think it through, because I sure as hell wasn't going to explain it all to her.

"No, I'm serious. Why do you hate me so much?"

"I said _fuck off_." I repeated in a growl, doing my best to keep my voice down.

"Why won't you tell me? I've never done anything to you, Kellin. Why can't you just tell me what you think I've done wrong?"

Fuck, now she was just asking for it.

"What I _think_ you've done wrong? No, it's what I _know_ you've done wrong. You always think you come off as this nice, wonderful person that does nothing but good for everyone else, but really, every kid in that orphanage thinks you're the meanest caretaker there, and nearly all of them hate you as much as I do. You yell at everyone you see, even if they weren't doing anything bad, your punishments are harsh as fuck and completely out of proportion, and I'm pretty sure there's been not _one_ occasion where you've actually been genuinely _nice_ to someone. As for me though, wow, you really don't see why _I _hate you? I don't even know where to fucking start! Every single little thing I do pisses you off, even if I wasn't _trying_ to do anything. You take everything I say the wrong way and fucking _expect_ me to be the worst kid ever. I _know_ I'm not pleasant to be around, I _know_ that I've done some really fucking stupid things before, but you can't take all of that past stuff out on me now. You're pretending like _you_ don't hate me in return!" Shit, I was really close to yelling now.

"Kellin, I…"

"No, stop! Don't act like you care about anything that I just said, because it's pretty fucking obvious that you don't. I know it, Vic knows it, _everyone _knows that everything I just said is fucking true. I'm not the only one that hates you, Lucy. We _all_ do. So stop trying to pin everything on me, saying that I'm the only one that doesn't like you, because if all the other kids do, then it's not me, it's _you_ that's bringing all this hate upon yourself."

Almost as soon as I finished, I regretted almost everything I said. Sure it was all true, but I had no reason or right to just dump all of that on her at once, or at all, for that matter. She could've gone her whole life without knowing that every kid at the orphanage dislikes her, but I just had to be a fucking dickhead and tell her in the meanest way possible. It's true, I don't like her, but that doesn't mean that I have to stoop that low and be so rude to her. And just as I thought I was getting better at not fucking everything up, I had to go and do this. What the fuck is wrong with me?

"Look, I'm sorry that you… _all_ of you feel that way. I don't try to be mean, honestly, it just… comes naturally to me, if that makes any sense. I never even realize that I'm being so terrible to everyone until after everything is said and done and I can't really take it back. Everything I do, it's really for all of your own good. The punishments may be a bit out of line, but it's only because I care about all of you and need to teach you from right and wrong as if you were all my own. I don't… I don't mean to be the world's biggest bitch, and I'm sorry." She was looking down at her lap, a sad expression on her face. Now that I think about it, that was probably the first time I'd ever seen her show any other emotion other than anger. It made me feel even worse now, that I'd actually cracked her and made her feelings come out of hiding.

"You're not a bitch, Lucy. You just… maybe need to think a little before you act? I'm not saying that trying to be rude or anything, but if you do want to control yourself a bit more, you could possible start there? I-I'm sorry, too. I know that I'm a really miserable excuse for a person, that I fuck every single little thing up, piss off everyone I talk to and have really bad anger management issues. I had no right to say all of that to you. You don't deserve to be treated the way you do, and I'm really sorry for the way I've been acting." It felt so weird to be saying all of this stuff to her. For three years we'd wanted pretty much nothing to do with each other, and now here we were opening up and spilling all of our feelings and showering each other in apologies, like it was the last time we'd ever get to speak to one another. It was so different from how we usually communicated, but for some reason, it felt good to finally just… be nice to her for a change. She really wasn't a bad person. She might be a bit uptight and snappy and really fucking sarcastic, but she was _not_ a bad person. I was just the asshole that she'd willingly put up with and had made her come off as one.

It was quiet for a bit after both of our speeches, but it wasn't really awkward. The silence was like a time for both of our confessions and apologies to just sink in. It made me realize so many things about not only her, but about myself. Like how many times I'd been literally the biggest dick on the planet, but she'd still kept trying to fix me up right anyway. I didn't see all of her lectures and punishments as just acts of bitchiness, but I actually saw the good in all of them, and how she was trying to help. I guess you could say it was like we were… starting over. A new us. This is probably exactly what we needed after everything that'd been happening lately. From Vic's outbursts and panic attacks, to the infants aging up into their terrible two's, it was for the best that we just forgot everything that had happened and composed ourselves into newer, cleaner people.

"So… let's just… start over, yeah?"

"Sounds good."

And that was it. We had a clean slate. Everything that needed to be said was said, and most of our problems were all patched up and repaired. I didn't know where that left us now; if she'd just revert back to her old self once we got back to the orphanage and continue being a pain in the ass all the time. But even if she did, it's not like either of us would forget this little heart to heart we had.

All of this talking with her reminded me of something I'd been meaning to ask her about, though.

"Hey, um… while we're talking and stuff… remember a little while back when you were yelling at me for sneaking in with Vic in the middle of the night? You know, when I was supposed to stay in the four to ten year old room, but, um… didn't? Why did you just… like, let me win?" Jesus, it was hard to word what I was trying to ask.

"What do you mean?" She looked at me, blinking once and cocking her head to the side again.

"I mean, like… as soon as I'd said that Vic and I had been making out, you just kinda… dropped the whole thing. It was like you didn't even care anymore, or like something I said made you just forget about it all. What… what was that all about?" Her face contorted into an unsure expression, and she looked down at her lap again. What she said next really surprised me though.

"Do you love Vic, Kellin?"

"W-what? I, um… y-yeah. I love him a lot. What does that have to do with anything though?" I said confusedly. I really didn't understand what she was trying to get at.

"When you said that'd you'd been kissing him-,"

"Making out." I corrected her with a slight smirk.

"Right, _making out_. When you said that, I realized that you two were really close. I know that you probably would have disobeyed my orders anyway, but you… you went to see him in the middle of the night, because you are obviously very close to him. I knew that you two had a thing for each other, but right then, that made me stop and think about how close you really _were_. I didn't know if you two were in love, but I knew that if you liked each other that much, then there must've been a chance that it could happen. You probably don't get why I'm saying all of this but… when I was younger; I had a chance at love, too. Not even a chance, really, I _was_ in love. It was ages ago, and we really fell hard for each other. We were so happy together, but some things started happening in his family. Like, really personal stuff that really messed him up. He changed. A lot. He wasn't himself anymore." She paused for a moment to wipe away a lone tear that had slipped from the corner of her eye.

"He was always so angry and he was _always_ drinking. I'd try and do my best to make him feel better, but it only seemed to made him even angrier. One night, he came home really drunk, like stumbling and slurring and pissed. I tried everything I could to comfort him, as usual, but he wasn't having it. That night was the first time he hit me. I told myself that it was just the alcohol speaking, that he loved me and he'd never hurt me intentionally. I was dead wrong though. Every single night he'd come home drunk, and even after I'd stopped talking to him out of fear, he's still hit me and beat me without any mercy, stopping only when he thought I'd had enough. My friends and family were all concerned and asked where the few bruises that they saw had come from, but I'd always make up lie after lie and told them that I was just clumsy and had tripped or something along those lines. I was always in pain, always telling lies to everyone I knew, and dreading every night in the early morning when he'd come home angry as usual, ready to beat me to the ground." More tears were slipping from her face now, and I couldn't help but walk over and take a seat next to her, placing my hand on hers and rubbing it soothingly.

"Why didn't you leave him?"

"Because I was still in love with him. He hadn't always been that bad of a person, hadn't always hit me until I was crying on the floor. Before whatever drama happened with his family, he was the perfect boyfriend, I swear it. He had always been so kind and caring and loving; it made sense to love him back for it. Once he started changing though, I couldn't just leave him. I was still hooked on him. There was something deep down that made me think one day, all of the beatings and name callings and drinking, it'd all be over, like it was just a phase."

"So how did you get out of there?"

"He left me for another girl. Said he'd been cheating with her for as long as he could remember, and that I wasn't fulfilling his needs anymore. Sure, he was terrible, but I really still loved him. It broke my heart to watch him just leave me alone. Somehow, even with all of the abuse and drunkenness and what could be considered hatred for me, I loved him. I still love him even now. I would never go back to him, but I still love him, I miss him. The _old_ him." She wiped at her eyes and nose as she finished, her voice sad and quiet, like if she spoke any louder she'd shatter instantly. It was so odd to see her like this- usually Lucy was strict and strong with no ifs, ands or buts. This was… this was totally new for me, a completely different side of her for me to witness. For some reason I thought that maybe this wasn't even a side. Maybe the Lucy I'd been so used to was just a cover up, to hide all of this pent up emotion and all of the sad memories from her past.

"Lucy, I-I'm so sorry… I really appreciate you telling me all of this, but what does this have to do with me and Vic?"

"Like I said, when I dropped that conversation that day, I realized that you two might have a chance at love. I hadn't even really seen anything _close_ to it since before that guy turned into a drunken bastard, and when I saw that you and Vic were right in front of me, with such a fondness for one another, I didn't want to get in the way of that. I… I wanted to give you and Vic the chance to be in love, without anything holding you back; to have what I never got to experience the right way. Now, I'm not trying to be a matchmaker and pair you two up for my own weird little fantasies, but I just see that the way you look at him, you definitely feel something for him. You've said it yourself, you love him, and I take it that he loves you, too. I… I want you to get to have a good shot at love, unlike me."

I was speechless. How was I supposed to respond to that? She'd been through so much, and I'd underestimated her completely. I couldn't even begin to express how sorry I was for giving her so much shit after she'd already endured enough. It was right then and there that I decided I liked Lucy. We may both have our bad days, and she may be a bit hard to put up with sometimes, but she wasn't as bad as I'd made her out to be.

"You're a good person, Lucy." Was all I could think to say. She smiled warmly at me all the same though, accepting my compliment, even if it wasn't much.

"Thanks, Quinn. You're not so bad yourself."


	23. Chapter 23

Lucy and I continued talking for the remainder of Vic's session. We spoke about pretty much everything; everything that had happened between us over the last three years, all of it finally being discussed and acting as a release to get everything out that we hadn't said before. We both brought up a variety of past occurrences, which threw in fair amount of even more apologies into the mix. Sorry's were said for a whole range of things, most of them on my part. I'd finally apologize for something as little as breaking a glass years ago when I was fourteen, or another act of misbehavior where I may have beaten up a kid or two. We were getting absolutely everything out, turning our whole relationship around, or at least starting it over in a way.

It actually felt… nice. It was nice to be able to have an actual conversation with her, rather than finding it dreadful to be even the same room as her and communicating only through senseless arguments, vicious glares and horrible insults and shouts of anger. We saw each other as actual people now; the respected caretaker that could sometimes be a bit bitchy, and the angsty gay teenage orphan that had a few issues with anger management. It gave me a really good feeling to know that we weren't just opponents anymore- no longer sworn enemies at heart.

I'd been so involved in my talk with Lucy, that had soon developed into a light-hearted joking session after all of the feelings and sensitive shit had passed out of the way, I almost forgot what we were here for. Before I knew it, Vic was walking back through the door, the same one that felt like he'd just entered only a little while ago.

"Vic, hey, how'd it go?" I asked, half expecting him to turn to me and start gushing about how it was as awful as he expected it to be. My question was left hanging in the air though, as he walked right past me and out the building's entrance, into the parking lot without even a single glance in my direction. Lucy and I exchanged worried glances, before quickly standing to exit the frigid and empty waiting room to follow him outside.

We caught up to him easily, as he was walking rather slowly. After wrapping a gentle arm around his waist and giving it a light squeeze, Lucy's heels clicked up ahead in front of us, respectfully leaving us to walk together alone while we had the chance. Before she did though, she shot me a knowing glance- a look that said, "Talk to him. Make sure he's alright."

"Vic, are you okay?" I asked in a soft tone, getting a bit concerned now about why he wasn't speaking. I'd been almost completely sure that the minute he was done, he'd be back in my willingly open arms, apologizing for crying and begging me not to send him there ever again. He hadn't said one word to me yet though. Maybe I was just taking it the wrong way. Maybe I shouldn't be viewing this as something negative, but rather be seeing it as positive. I mean, of course it was a good thing that he wasn't breaking down sobbing and curling up in my arms again, no matter how much I wanted to hold him. I was just thinking something was wrong because he was always up for a talk with me. Again, I was probably just overreacting. If anything, he'd just had a stressful time in there and didn't have anything to say about it. I guess it'd been a pretty eventful day for the both of us.

"Vic, babe, talk to me, please. Are you alright? Did something happen?" I asked, actually feeling a bit scared now because I knew how sensitive he was, and how his emotions and reactions to certain things were so easily triggered if you weren't careful. This is why I didn't trust these therapist fuckers. It's not like they know what will make specific people upset. Everyone is so different and their problems are all so diverse; how can one doctor know how to deal with such a wide range of different emotions and thoughts?

He finally turned his head to look at me and actually recognize me, responding to what I was saying for the first time since he got out of his session. "Sorry, um... Yeah, I'm fine. It wasn't really… I didn't… I-I don't want to talk about it." He answered, giving me a small smile but with sorrowful eyes that said, "Just drop it."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked." I said glumly, feeling stupid for even expecting him to talk about it. Of course he wouldn't want to tell me how it went! If he didn't even want to go, what made me think that he'd want to continue dwelling on the subject by discussing what had happened during?

"It's okay. Can we just… go? I really just wanna lie down under the covers and cuddle with you. That was the longest forty-five minutes of my life." He admitted quietly, his head resting on my shoulder and his hand finding its way to mine to intertwine our fingers. "Yeah, sure, whatever you want." I chuckled softly, giving his cheek a light peck after brushing the hair out of his eyes and gently squeezing his hand tighter in mine.

"So, are we ready to go?" Lucy asked once Vic and I had made it to the car and were situated in our seats. "Please." Vic whimpered with a small yawn, curling up to my side and practically sitting in my lap, his head already resting comfortably on my shoulder again as Lucy shifted the car into drive. I wrapped an arm around him, pulling him even closer to me and hugging him tight before placing a gentle kiss on his forehead. I was completely willing to let him sleep on me for the entire two hour ride back, mostly because I'd been longing for him back in my arms ever since he'd gone to his session anyway. He seemed to need a bit of time to rest though, seeing as he didn't even want to so little as speak after spending all that time alone in a room with someone he didn't even know. It was the least I could do to just let him doze off on me and let him get a little rest; I'd been part of the reason why he was dragged to see a therapist in the first place.

Within minutes, Vic's breathing was shallowed and steadied, and I'd lied next to him in bed enough times to know that meant that he was asleep. Unfortunately, the highway we were driving on was littered with potholes and bumps and even several cases of road kill that had Lucy swerving to not make tire tracks on the dead animals. Vic was asleep for maybe twenty minutes or so, until he must've had enough of the car jerking and bumping him awake. "Why is the road so God damn bumpy?" He whined, rubbing at his eyes. "Sorry sweetie, you'll be able to go right to sleep when we get back to the orphanage." I said in a soft tone, gently stroking his hair in a way that I hoped would just lull him back to sleep. I'm not sure why, but I sort of liked being his own personal pillow.

"It doesn't matter now, I'm already awake and I'm not really tired anymore." He said huffily, sighing in annoyance and looking up at me to show off his pout. I could tell he was obviously irritated with how the road was pretty flawed, and how our drive was anything but smooth and easy-going.

He stayed snuggled up to me after he'd woken, playing with the buttons on my shirt as we drove along silently. When Lucy's voice interrupted the quiet, I jumped at the sudden sound. We'd been going for almost an hour in silence, and I wasn't really expecting her to speak.

"So how did it go, Vic? Did my sister treat you well?"

"He doesn't want to talk-, wait, sister_?_" I asked, confused. Since when did Lucy have family? Okay, that was a stupid question. I guess I should've realized there was always a possibility that she had siblings, and she obviously had to be raised by _someone_. The thought of Lucy living with someone else just never really occurred to me though. The image of Lucy as a child had never even entered my mind, I'd always just seen her as the strict-ruling adult that she is now, never anything else.

"Yes, _sister_. Vic, you had Zoella, right?" She said with a chuckle, my slight surprise amusing her in some way.

"Y-yeah." He responded quietly, looking up at me and giving me the same look of confusion I must've had. "Yep, Zoella is my sister, two years younger than I am. Do you really think I'd send you to some random person to stay with for almost an hour, when I'd never even met them or _seen_ them before?" She glanced at Vic through the rear view mirror, smirking a bit at his dumbfounded expression.

"I-I don't know, I just… I don't know." He muttered, curling further into my side with the faintest of blushes on his cheeks.

"Never mind about me though, you didn't answer my question. How did she do? Did you like her?" Lucy pressed, fully intent on hearing a review about how her sister did. I could tell by the way her eyes were brighter than usual that they were really close. Just that thought made me kind of upset that I never had a brother or sister to bond with, or any family at all really. Though I doubt any sibling of mine would like me at all. If the people who brought me into this world didn't even want me around, why would any other relative like the idea of me being near them?

"She… um… s-she tried, I guess. I… I didn't really like her, but I don't like therapists at all, so… I don't know. She seemed nice enough, maybe if I, like… gave her a chance. She was kind of… straight forward though. Like, she really wanted to g-get in your head. That's kind of her job though, I guess…" He mumbled, squirming around a little bit, like he really wasn't comfortable with the conversation. I knew he didn't want to talk about it, and I was actually really close to shouting at Lucy to shut up and leave him be.

"Right, I understand." She replied, ending the discussion for Vic's sake. That was the end of all conversation for a while.

Though the car ride back was nice and quiet, we were all definitely ready to get away from the vehicle for a while. Lucy had been sighing in annoyance even more frequently than usual at the other bad drivers on the road, Vic's whimpers and light groans at being uncomfortable every time he shifted against me had sounded more and more often with each passing minute, and I myself was more than irritated with being stuffed up in a car for that long. I don't know how people do eight hour car trips and up- I'm literally the worst when it comes to long periods of time spent where I'm required to be sat still with little to nothing to do, especially in such a cramped space.

"I hate car rides." I grumbled as I shut the car door behind Vic. "Why were cars even invented?"

"Because if we didn't have cars then we'd all have to get around on horses, or in carriages _pulled_ by horses." Lucy replied with a roll of her eyes, nearly glaring at me for my stupid question. Sure, it wasn't the smartest thing I could've asked, but I really was fed up after being confined in that little space for so long. The only reason I didn't completely lose it and jump out the window was because I had Vic there with me. I feel almost certain that I would've hopped out and walked the rest of the way if I didn't have him resting comfortably next to me, practically laying in my lap and drawing light circles on my thigh. Vic just made everything okay.

"Well they could at least make them bigger. Who decided that they should be so fucking small?" I asked in a near growl, relieved to be in an open space again but still grumpy from the trip here. Lucy ignored my question as she went in, not even so little as turning her head to look at me as she entered the building. I just groaned in annoyance as Vic and I made our way into the building, but that groan turned into a light laugh as I felt a soft pair of lips gently peck my cheek. I turned to Vic and instantly smiled as I saw him doing the same, kissing him on the lips in return for his gesture. He was so cute sometimes. No, he was cute all the time. It's like he could never even be anything else but adorable. I was okay with that though. That's what made him so loveable.

"I wish I could just sleep forever." I mumbled as I pulled Vic close to me under the sheets, kissing the top of his head and relishing in the little giggle he breathed out against my neck. I could never get tired of hearing him laugh, or seeing him smile, or even just waking up to either his bright brown eyes or just his beautiful sleeping figure. I loved everything about him. There was nothing I would _ever_ get tired of.

"Me too." He whispered, his breath tickling the sensitive skin just under my ear. "Only if it's with you, though. I don't want to sleep unless I'm next to you." It took everything in me not to just leap on top of him and shower him with kisses, having no regard for the disturbance of our current cuddling position. I had the urge to do that a lot, actually, what almost seems like all the time. It was so hard not to think about pinning him down and pressing my mouth to every inch of his skin that I could reach though. He was so adorable that's what I seemed to think about maybe fifty percent of the time. That, and sometimes… other things.

"You are so fucking perfect, Vic." I muttered into his hair, pressing another light kiss to his head after. I could almost literally feel him blush as he shifted a bit, shaking his head and letting out another soft giggle as I tapped him gently on the nose.

"You are though, I swear it. All the time, that's all I can think about- how fucking lucky I am to have you. I was so fucked up before you came here, but you're literally the best thing that's ever happened to me. I… I really don't even have the words to fully describe you. You're seriously just so… perfect." I finished with a press of my lips to his cheek, making him scrunch up his nose in that cute way he does and laugh softly. I knew he was only doing that because he didn't like to be given compliments, or to even have any attention at all, really. I don't know how he stands me though, I must give him like, twenty speeches a week on how good looking he is alone. The rants on his perfection are usually proclaimed at night, when it's all quiet and it's just me and him under the covers in the dark.

He probably doesn't even hear half of those though, because I'm pretty sure he's usually asleep before I even start. I kind of only do it to get it out my system. I have so much love for him that I actually have to speak about it, or else one day I'll just throw Vic on the bed and have my dirty way with him because I'll feel like I don't have any other way to let him know how much I love him. That probably wouldn't be such a bad thing though. Vic and I haven't ever gone far enough for either of us to even finish, so I'm still usually just silently begging for things to get heated whenever we have another makeout session on the bed. I can't help it though. I'm just a horny teenage boy. I have needs. Actually, only one need, and his name is Vic.

"I'm not perfect, Kellin." He murmured, head moving up so he could look me in the eyes.

"But you are, Vic." I beamed down at him, leaning down to kiss him passionately before he could reply.

The light-hearted lip lock soon turned into something deeper, hungrier. I smiled into the kiss as I flipped us over, positioning myself on top of him so that I was straddling his lap. I always loved how he always just let me dominate him. We both seemed to like how submissive he was to my control. It was honestly a turn on for me, which is odd because submission has never really been something that I was into before. It must just be the idea of completely taking over someone who seemed so innocent and pure, and doing whatever I pleased with him. That, and the little moans he made when I littered his neck with love bites were fucking hot. Like, really hot.

With how fast my pants were growing tighter, I almost whined when Vic pulled away to get a good breath and stare up at me.

"W-wait, um… what was that, uh… r-reward you were talking about?" He asked sheepishly, his eyes sparkling with curiosity as his cheeks flushed to an even deeper shade of pink. Oh fuck, I almost completely forgot about that. I was happy that he asked, or he almost wouldn't have gotten what I'd promised him for getting through his forty-five minutes in once piece.

"Oh yeah, I'm glad you reminded me." I grinned down at him, winking as I practically flung myself off of him to rush to the door, locking it and turning out the lights. The sun wasn't completely hidden below the horizon yet but the blinds were closed, so we had just enough light to see each other and not be in total darkness, but it wasn't too bright that the sun was actually irritating.

"W-why did you lock the door?" He asked in slight confusion, though I'm pretty sure by the small smirk on his face that he knew damn well what was coming.

"I'm going to give you your reward, silly. We can't have anyone interrupting us, can we?" I answered in a low, raspy voice that I hoped sounded seductive, kissing just below his ear before moving my lips up his jaw and cheek until I finally reconnected our lips, slipping my tongue in without any warning. "I'm just hoping that door is soundproof though. We both know how loud you can get." I breathed against his lips once I pulled away, his shirt flying through the air and landing somewhere carelessly on the floor once I'd hastily tore it off of his body.

"T-tell me exactly w-what you're g-going to do?" He said it as a question, almost as if he was anxious, but judging by the soft whimper than snuck past his lips as my mouth moved down his neck, I knew he was more excited than nervous.

"I'm going to make you feel good, Victor. So, _so_ good. You'll be begging, _pleading_ for it. I'll have you moaning profanities as you writhe around underneath me, just _screaming_ for me to give you more. It's all about making you feel good, babe. Anything you want, it's your reward. After all, you deserve it for being such a _good_ boy." His only response was a moan, arching his back as I made work on a fair sized hickey placed just above his left collar bone, the spot I could pretty much get to with my eyes closed now, I'd sucked and nipped and licked at the spot so many times.

"Tell me what you want, baby." I whispered into the mostly quiet room, save for the sounds of heavy breathing and gasps and moans coming from Vic every so often.

"Just… a-anything, please. D-do something." He panted, shivering as I blew my breath against his lower tummy, another one of his sensitive sweet spots.

"Something, like this?" I asked, placing a hand over the painfully obvious bulge in his pants and applying pressure, smirking at how he nearly bucked his hips up into such a simple touch.

"Y-yes, p-please." He stammered out, closing his eyes in anticipation, just waiting for me to move further and give him what he wanted.

I chuckled at how much he wanted, _needed_ me to touch him, for me to get my hands on him and just let him moan freely as he practically melted from the pleasure. That got my thoughts wandering though, making me picture how hot he would look as he screamed out my name, clutching onto the sheets as I fucked him senseless, or maybe having his head thrown back as he moved and bounced and ground on top of me, moaning like a filthy whore as he rode me. I shook my head to try and push the thoughts away, knowing I was going too far. There was no way he was ready for that, and now was all about pleasuring him, not myself. I couldn't help but just fantasize a little though. He was really fucking attractive, and the sounds he was making right now could only leave me imagining such things.

"Take t-them off." He commanded breathily, finally done with my teasing and ready to move on, to be relieved of the barrier and confinement of his insanely tight jeans, which, might I add, made his ass look incredible.

I happily obliged to his order, undoing his pants and ripping them off of his legs, leaving him sighing softly now that he had less restriction against his hard on. "Tell me Vic," I began, grabbing him through his boxers and rubbing up and down at a torturous pace, "Have you ever gotten a blow job before?"

His dick literally twitched at my words, closing his eyes and whimpering again, leaving me to grin at his reaction. He just barely shook his head no, and that's when I really started to get eager. I already knew it would be his first time to have a pair of lips wrapped around his dick, but I just felt the need to actually voice my plans, only to get him that more excited and riled up.

In less than a few seconds, Vic's boxers were down around his ankles, leaving him to kick them off so that they landed on the floor with the rest of his clothes. The devious smirk that spread across my face was almost involuntary, uncontrollable. He was fucking huge.

Vic peeked an eye open to look at me, probably to see what I was doing instead of making work on the massive problem that was pressed up against his stomach. Both of his eyes were open and peering up at me as he raised an eyebrow to question why I was just gawking at his size instead of actually doing something with it. I only shrugged, a wide grin spread across my face as I dipped my head down low to his crotch.

It only took about five seconds of my hot, heavy breathing against his member before he lost his patience with me. "Kellin, I'm not kidding, do something, anything, please, _now_." He groaned, completely done with my taunting and no longer willing to wait. My only reply was a sly and eager lick of my lips, before my hand was around him and my tongue was running along the underside of his shaft.

The action elicited a gasp from his mouth, leaving him to just barely buck his hips up, as if to hint that he wanted more than just licking. Without warning I took almost all of him in my mouth at one time, slowly raising my head back up with my tongue pressed up against him. As my lips wrapped around the head, my hand began to pump the rest at a torturous pace. He moaned lightly as I sucked at the tip a bit more, flicking my tongue across it to raise the volume of the noises he was making. His hips bucked up again, urging me on to get more of him in my mouth. There was no way I could say no.

Before long, my head was slowly moving up and down, sucking Vic just enough to leave him gasping for more. "F-faster." He panted, his hand travelling to my hair to tug gently, as if that would make me take up on his order. The pulling of my hair actually did work though, and my head started bobbing up and down faster to do as he said.

"Shit, Kellin, th-that feels-," He didn't finish his sentence as he was cut off by his own moan. Suddenly, I pulled away, the softest wet pop sounding as my lips left his cock. "Does it feel good, Vic?" I asked with my now unoccupied mouth, stroking Vic vigorously as I awaited his answer. "Y-yes, oh _God_." The rest of his response came out as a moan when my thumb just barely dipped into his slit, smearing precome all over the head. I didn't worry about that though. The mess would soon be in my mouth again anyway.

"Do you want more?"

His eyes shot open, looking up at me with worry, like he thought by the question I'd just asked there could be a possibility that I'd stop. "Uh-huh." He nodded his head frantically, hair falling into his eyes, but he was so intent on letting me know that he wanted his dick in my mouth again that he didn't seem to care.

"Tell me what you want. How _much_ you want it."

The speed of my pumping increased just a bit, causing him to close his eyes in want, _need._ What he wanted was so close, so _very_ close- all he had to do was verbalize his desires. I was still pleasuring him though, not to the best of my ability, but enough to make speaking a difficult task for him. He opened his mouth to answer me, but me, being the cheeky asshole I was, licked all the way up his member again, letting my tongue swivel around the head. Just like that, his attempt to form a coherent sentence was forgotten about, a desperate whine escaping from his mouth instead.

"Come one Vic, just tell me what you want me to do. Whatever you want, I'll give it to you. All you have to do is say it."

I was torturing him, and I knew it, but we both seemed to love every second of it. It's not like I was just leaving him hanging, I was just being a tease.

"P-please, I-I need you to… to…" He stopped again, groaning as my mouth rested on the tip of his cock again, sucking softly just to get him stammering.

"Damn it, Kellin, please just suck me, please!"

Fuck, that was hot. Like, really, _really_ hot. If I wasn't already completely aroused from just hearing the sounds he made and seeing the faces he pulled from just the sheer _pleasure_ of it all, I most definitely had a raging hard on now. Begging hadn't always been the biggest turn on for me, but with Vic, it was probably one of the sexiest things I'd ever seen. Just seeing him so full of desperation to feel that _ohsogood_ feeling that only I could give him right now, it was more than enough to get my blood pumping faster, targeting the one place that I knew would need to be taken care of later.

I wasn't completely done with making him wait, but I decided to finally give in and give him what he wanted. Only a beat later his dick was engulfed by my mouth, his hips bucking up almost in time with my fast paced rhythm of my bobbing head, sliding my mouth and tongue up and down his length over and over again.

He was moaning more frequently now, but I wanted to hear more. I wanted the loudest sounds I could elicit from him, and I wouldn't stop until I got what I wanted. A guttural moan erupted from his throat as I took all of him in my mouth, and I mean _all_, not stopping until my nose was touching his skin and he was deep in my throat, past the point of what would've been my gag reflex, if I had one.

I didn't stop there though. After pushing him, all of him, as far as he could go into my mouth, I started sucking, harder than I had before, my cheeks hollowing and a disgusting sound of my lips smacking as I raised my head to pull completely off his member to get a breath of air, only gaining the same reaction when I did it all over again.

After a little while, I'd just stuck to deepthroating him and sucking harshly, loving the way his hand was tangled in my hair to jerk and tug and force my head in whatever way he wanted me to go, and all the little sounds of, "more", and "faster", and other moans of pleasure that were mostly just curse words or strings of incoherent mutterings. Pretty soon, he'd began tugging on my hair even harder, and his moans and whimpers and whines were getting higher pitched by the second. This all urged me on to go even faster though, sucking hard and pressing and twirling my tongue and using my mouth to tip him over the edge and bring him that intense feeling of ecstasy.

"Sh-shit, Kells, I-I'm, oh fucking hell_… fuck, _Kellin, _fuck_, I'm coming!" He finally screamed as he finished, bucking his hips almost spastically and shooting into my mouth, leaving me to graciously swallow down the taste that I had gotten used to by now.

"Kellin, I-I… that was… holy shit." He said shakily with a laugh, amused by his own inability to speak correctly whilst coming down from his high.

"Well I'm glad you liked it." I smiled at him with pure adoration, finding him purely flawless even as he was laying there panting with sweat drenched locks of hair sticking to his forehead and a flush of a pink tint gracing his cheeks. He looked stunning, literally perfect, no matter what the circumstances.

He hummed in response, before putting on the cutest pout and extending his arms towards me, making grabby hands to signal that he wanted to cuddle again. "At least put some clothes on first." I chuckled; leaving him no choice as I stood from the bed to search for his boxers that were somewhere on the floor, along with the rest of Vic's clothing that had been strewn around the room in both of our haste.

"Wait, Kellin, you-," He began, but hesitated, a small smirk playing at his lips as his eyes flicked down to the obvious bulge in my pants. Rolling my eyes, I retrieved his boxers from the floor and threw them at him, allowing him to slip them on so they rested just below his very visible hip bones before I finally slipped into bed with him.

"It's fine, I'll do whatever later." I mumbled, pulling him close, but making a noise of disapproval as he shrugged away and out of my arms, turning to look at me with an unfamiliar glint in his eye and the same faint smirk plastered on his face.

"You _could_ just wait it out, or… you could let me return the favor?" He bit his lip, as if honestly expecting me to reject his offer.

"Have you ever even sucked a dick before?" I questioned, a smirk of my own forming as his own faltered. "N-no, but… there's a first time for everything, right?"

He had a point. If he didn't do it now then that'd just be adding unnecessary built up time to when he actually _did_ get around to finally giving his first blow job. I mean, he was sitting there, almost completely naked, offering to put my cock in his mouth.

How could I say no?


	24. Chapter 24

It was about a month and a half later, and Kellin and I were pretty much completely settled and comfortable with each other- that's when things started going downhill.

At first, l hadn't even noticed, or only barely noticed the fall of our relationship. Even when l did recognize the little slip ups we began to have, l didn't think of them as much, and didn't think they'd actually become continuous or harmful to what we had built up over the past couple of months together.

It'd started out with what I thought was just Kellin being his usual self. He'd get the slightest bit irritated over the smallest things, but of course, at the time, I didn't think that was out of the ordinary at all, let alone anything to worry about. Sometimes a kid would run out in front of him while he was trying to get through the rec room, or one of the caretakers would spill a dab of food on his leg while trying to service one of the other kids at the table.

It would almost always go the same way every time. He'd close his eyes and breathe out slowly and heavily through his nose, waiting a few moments, as if he were counting down in his head, before putting on a sweet, sarcastic smile, forcing himself not to let whatever it was get to him, and move on. After a little while though, his little sparks of anger soon turned into full on episodes, and I'd almost always be the cause of them.

He'd get so frustrated over such stupid little things. It would range from getting upset that I let him sleep in instead of waking him up when I woke, or sometimes even nearly yelling because I left to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and didn't wake him to tell him that I would be gone for less than two minutes. Soon enough, he was yelling at me for literally almost nothing, picking fights with me nearly every day, even when I hadn't done anything.

When I finally came to my senses and saw that we were constantly arguing, it hit me kind of hard. I mean, I knew our honeymoon phase wouldn't last for the rest of our time together, especially considering we were rarely ever separated. I never thought we would turn into one of _those_ couples though - the ones that fight all the time, no matter where they are, shouting at each other even in public places because they cared more about shouting how mad they were at each other more than all of the negative attention they were receiving.

Now was one of our worse times, but it'd started over something so insignificant that I'd almost forgotten why we were still yelling at each other in the first place. I hadn't finished all of my food at lunch, though I never really did during any meal, and when I ignored his persistent pestering to delve into an argument with him, he took matters into his own hands and turned our little bickering session into a full blown fight.

"Why can't you just what I say? All I'm asking is that you finish all of your fucking food!"

"I don't have to follow your ever command, Kellin! You don't own me!"

"It's not just doing what I say; you never fucking listen to me! You ignore almost everything I tell you and barely ever look at me when I talk!"

"Don't change the subject and try and turn this around on me! You're the one that's screaming in my face right now over nothing!"

"It's not nothing, Vic! I just want you to fucking eat everything that's on your plate!"

"Why does that matter?! Why is that worth getting into an argument about?! I don't see what the big deal is!"

"It is a big deal, Vic!"

"Why?"

"Just because!"

"Because _why_?!"

"Because I don't want to lose you to a fucking eating disorder!"

His voice cracked on the last line, and we both stopped immediately, holding our breath in and letting the room fall into a deathly silence. All of the anger was completely gone and done with, and we were both just standing there staring at each other with confused yet sad expressions.

Before I even knew what was happening, Kellin took a step forward so that he could wrap his arms around my back tightly, his lips just barely touching mine. I didn't have a chance to say anything, because the next second he was pressing his mouth down on my own almost eagerly, passionately and affectionately, the kiss full of the regret he wished to express. As if on impulse, I jumped up on top of him and pulled my legs around his waist. He caught on quickly and placed his hands underneath my thighs, getting a good grip to hold me up before gently pushing my back up against the wall behind us.

A few minutes later, after our tongues had returned to our own mouths and we were both breathing heavily from our makeup kissing, Kellin finally pulled away, smiling slightly at me before letting me back down.

"I'm sorry." He whispered, leaning his forehead against mine, quickly giving my lips another soft peck. "I'm so sorry that I lose my temper so easily. I hate fighting with you- I don't see why you put up with me."

"Why do you always try to bring me into an argument though? Why do you always yell and scream when I haven't done anything wrong, or when you could just let me know that something's bothering you rather than shouting about it?" I asked, nearly feeling my heart break when a tear rolled down his cheek.

"I love you." He said as I wiped the tear away, along with the few others that had strayed from his eye. "I love you, too." I responded almost immediately, offering him a small smile. He laughed softly. "No, I mean, like, I do those things because I love you." He said, kissing my cheek. As I cocked an eyebrow, he continued on to explain what he meant.

"When I get mad, it's only because I love you, and I care about you. Like when you don't wake me up when you get up, I get upset because I just want to spend as much time with you as I possibly can. If I wake up at the same time as you, that's more time that I get to see your face. Or when I get angry because you left in the middle of the night without telling me, even if it's only for a minute or two, it's because I worry about you. I can't even explain how fucking scared I get when I roll over to cuddle you closer and you're not lying there next to me. I get so terrified that you're hurting yourself again, and when you get back, my anger overtakes me fear, even though I'm not really mad at all. It's just my most prominent emotion, and I'm sorry that it almost controls me sometimes. Now though, I wanted you to finish all of your food, and made such a big deal out of it, because I really _don't_ want to lose you. I know you've been eating, and I'm so proud of you for that, but that doesn't really keep me from being worried. I would literally never be able to make it without you here by my side. And if I really let you go because I was careless enough to not make sure that you weren't starving yourself or purging again, there's absolutely no way I could live with myself. I'm so sorry, Vic. I'm sorry for making you mad at me. I care about you so much, you mean the world to me, I only say the things I say and do the things I do because I love you."

I wasn't given a chance to say it back, because his lips were back on mine in a second, forcefully pushing down, almost as if he didn't want to pull away because he was afraid of how I was going to respond.

"God, Kellin, you're such an idiot. I could never be mad at you. I only yell back at you because you're worth the fight, worth the trouble of arguing and how upset I get. I'll never just give up on us, won't back down from a fight because I feel like I've had enough. I will never stop fighting for you Kellin. You're my entire world, and I love you too. You're really an idiot, but I love you."

Kellin was starting to tear up as well as I, and it felt so cheesy to be saying all of this passionate stuff and confessing our love, especially since we already knew damn well how the other felt. It was good to just profess how much we affected each other's hearts and minds and entire _lives_ every once in a while though. Even if it was all a repeat of all the things we'd heard each other say before, it felt nicer and nicer every time, and I will never get tired of telling him how much I need him, or hearing how much he loves me.

"Can you please promise we'll never fight again? Or at least try as hard as you can to contain your anger, for me? Please?" I all but got down on my knees and whimpered as I pleaded him to make more of an effort with containing his emotions. I knew he was probably already doing all he could to try and stop his sudden bursts of rage, but it wouldn't hurt anything to just hear him say it.

"Of course I promise. I love you."

"I love you, too."

"I love you more though."

I looked up at him through the hair that was falling in my face, locking my eyes on his.

"Show me."

A small smirk spread across his face in record time as he just stared back at me and nodded, leaning forward to let our lips collide. Almost as soon as they did, our tongues began to tangle and the kiss ventured further and further away from innocence.

When we were both out of breath, panting as we pulled away to look at each other, Kellin's hand found its way to mine, interlocking our fingers before pulling me over to the bed we shared on the farthest side of the room. Kellin pushed me down until I was lying flat on my back, crawling on top of me and straddling me. Our swollen lips were crashing together again in a matter of seconds, and we both took that as an initiative to let our hands to start roaming. As his lips moved from my own to connect with a pulse point on my neck, I rolled my hips up into Kellin's, letting him know that it felt good and I wanted him to keep going further.

A few hickeys later and bother of our shirts were on the floor, my hand slowly palming at the front of his pants just to make his breathing quicken. He kissed his way up from my chest where he was biting and licking away back to my lips where he pulled my bottom one in between in his teeth and tugged until it was free again. His eyes met mine and he smirked, shaking his head, as if to say that he was done with the teasing and was ready to move on. Just as he began to make work on undoing my jeans, I stopped him. His blue eyes flicked to mine to give me a questioning look, and I suddenly felt anxious; scared even.

"I-I… I, um, h-how far are we going?" I asked, breaking eye contact in hopes that it would make me feel less nervous about the situation at hand, and what I was trying to hint at.

"As far as you want to go. Why? Are you… do you, like, actually want to have sex?" He asked bluntly, causing a blush to rise to my cheeks at his forwardness. Despite my slight embarrassment, I caught his gaze anyway and nodded, biting my lip in an attempt to feel less… humiliated.

"Do you really want to?" He asked, eyebrows furrowing in concern as he suddenly became serious. I nodded and he sighed, leaning down to kiss me gently, lingering for a second or two longer than he usually would.

"Only if you're sure. I… I don't want to push you into it if you're not ready." He looked incredibly worried, and even in my aroused state, I couldn't help but find it one of the cutest things ever that he cared so much about not forcing me into something if I didn't want to do it. I was completely certain though. Even though it'd be my first time, I was completely ready if it meant that it was with Kellin. The argument we'd just had could have been enough to almost tear us apart if one of us crossed the line. After something like that, I felt like I needed to prove my love to him, and the other way around as well, in a more expressive way than with words.

"I'm positive." I assured him, leaning my neck up to quickly and lightly kiss his cheek. He grinned at my show of affection and dipped his head down low to properly kiss me on the lips, baring his teeth in a bright smile one more time before swiftly moving to the sweet spot above my collarbone.

A sound that was something of a mix of a moan and a whimper escaped from my throat as Kellin nipped and sucked at that place he knew drove me crazy. "Shit, I've wanted to fuck you since the first time I saw you." He breathed as he licked and kissed his way down my chest. His confession only made me moan louder, the want in his voice and his choice of words only making me that much more excited.

Kellin's mouth was touching almost every little inch of skin he could get, sweetly moving his lips and tongue across the sensitive spots on my abdomen. He stopped moving and came to halt though, when he reached my stomach. His fingertips gently ran along the countless number of previous cuts that were now all just thick, white scars, reminding me of my past and what I had been so scarily addicted to before. Though they weren't very pretty, and I wasn't exactly proud that I used to purposely hurt myself, I was still glad they were there. They held memories and pain and really nothing good, but if anything, they represented how perfect Kellin was to me. He'd rescued me from the uphill battle I had been so terribly deep down into, but he'd still shone through, never gave up on me, and saved me. Kellin actually _saved me_ from myself. It was just another one of the many, _many_ reasons why I loved him, and I don't think I'll ever be able to thank him enough for helping me escape that war.

"You're so fucking _beautiful_, Vic." He whispered softly, gazing down at all of the raised angry lines that littered the skin on my stomach and letting his fingers graze across them. He lowered his head so that his lips were just a couple of inches away from my skin, making sure that my eyes were on his before pressing soft little kisses over every single mark he could reach. It's not the first time he's done it- he's actually made it a habit to kiss all the way up both of my wrists when we're lying in bed at night, and gently brushing his fingers across the ones on my hips and shoulders as we're cuddling to fall asleep. Even though it's not something that hasn't happened before, and I'm pretty much used to it, the love that I feel as he pressed his mouth against all of the battle scars, and the little shiver that he sends up my spine as his warm breath ghosts along my skin; it's those little things that make me still love the feeling, every time, no matter how often he does it.

Just as quickly as he became sentimental and sweet, his demeanor changed back to lustful, his eyes the darkest I had ever seen them. That probably had to do with the fact that now we were finally going all the way, that he was going to be getting something much better than what just my mouth or hand could do.

With one last kiss to my tummy, he was at the top of my jeans, popping open the button with a quick movement of his fingers and getting the zipper down with a tug of his teeth. I would've helped him push my pants down, but I felt like I was way too hard to even _move_, so I let him do all the work as he stripped the clothing from my legs until I was left in only my boxers. As his eyes flicked to the bulge through my boxers that was almost pressed up against his face, he caught my eye and gave me a smirk, placing a hand over my member through the thin fabric confinement that was separating me from what I needed.

The action earned him a gasp, nearly causing me to buck my hips up into his palm. Sure it was just a simple touch of his hand, but we hadn't done anything like this for a while, so sue me for reacting to a little sexual stimulation. "Wow, someone's a little excited." Kellin grinned up at me, adding the slightest bit more pressure to my erection. "S-Shutup." I gasped as my boxers were quickly pulled down and I no longer had any painful restrictions.

"I'm gonna have you screaming in a matter of minutes, Vic. I bet you're so tight, so nice and good, and _tight_ for me, right? You want me to stretch you out, babe? Are you gonna let me stretch you with my cock, baby?" Kellin whispered filthy nothings into my ear as he slowly stroked me, and holy fuck I could've come from just his words alone. Since I'd never had any sexual relations with anyone before Kellin, I didn't really know what turned me on exactly, or if I had any kinks at all. Now though, I'd quickly learned within the few times that Kellin had given me head, and the other way around, that he really like to use dirty talk, and holy fuck, I really liked it too.

"H-hurry up, p-please Kellin, I-I-I need it." I pleaded with him as he continued pumping me at a sinfully slow pace. He only smirked in response as he held three of his fingers in front of my face, allowing me to take them in my mouth before he did the same with my member. It was hard to concentrate on my task with Kellin's tongue working so damn well on my cock, but I managed to work his fingers in and out a few times before Kellin slid off of my dick, apparently satisfied with both of our work.

An almost apologetic look came to his face as he looked me in the eye, silently asking me if I was ready. I nodded without hesitation, more ready than I would ever be.

It wasn't really what I expected when the first finger came. To be honest, I barely even noticed it at all. It was definitely different, nothing I was used to, but I welcomed the new feeling without another though, nodding again only seconds after Kellin had made the move to tell him he could keep going.

His finger slid in and out a couple of times before he added a second, and that's when the real feeling kicked in. It wasn't utterly and unbearably painful, but it wasn't exactly good either. It was still just… weird. I knew how much this meant to Kellin, and hell, I wanted it to happen just as badly as he did, so I didn't tell him to stop. After a few more pumps of his fingers, Kellin had all three inside of me, spreading and curving them so that I was as stretched as I could be. In the small amount of time that he'd been preparing me, all of them weirdness of it went away, and it soon actually felt good. Before I knew it, I was grinding back down onto his hand, telling him I was ready for more.

When his erection was in front of my face, I didn't even need him to tell me what to do before I engulfed almost his entire length in my mouth. My eyes closed and my hands were by my side, enjoying the way Kellin was almost fucking my mouth as his hips moved in time with my head. All too soon though, he pulled away, locking his eyes on mine for the hundredth time and asking me for a final time if I was serious about going through with this.

"Please, Kellin, I-I need you. Please." I whined, begging to assure him that I desperately wanted him inside of me. He nodded his head and kept his eyes on mine, carefully lining up with my entrance before slowly pushing in.

That weird feeling was back again, but this time it was intensified, all the way to the point where I actually felt pain. It was incredibly pleasurable at the same time though. The burn mixed with the pure ecstasy of Kellin almost completely inside of me was enough to have me pleading him to move in a matter of seconds. I guess he was just as needy as I was, because almost as soon as the words left my lips, he obliged without wasting any time, immediately pulling almost all the way out only to ram back in.

I couldn't help but moan at the feeling of him moving in and out inside of me. He was so fucking big, but I felt so nice and good and _full_. Fuck, it was incredible. A few minutes later, I was still feeling the need for more, and practically screamed at him to give me what I wanted.

"Kellin, f-faster. Oh, f-f-fu-ck, faster."

Moans and groans and curse words began tumbling from my lips even more than they had before as Kellin picked up the pace. He moved quicker inside of me, beads of sweat begging to plaster his hair to his forehead as he panted and tightly gripped my hips.

"Y-you're so fucking tight, Vic. Holy _shit, _you feel so fucking good, baby." Kellin mumbled as he kept up his current speed. Suddenly, he just stopped, stilled completely for only a second before positioning his hips differently and slamming back in. A wave of what seemed to be almost the sharpest, most intense pleasure I've ever felt overcame me, causing me to involuntarily scream out and throw my head back onto the pillow as I screwed my eyes shut.

"Fuck! Fuck, y-yes, yes, r-right there Kellin. Oh shit, yes, o-oh my god, faster, _harder_." I was practically shouting at the top of my lungs but I didn't care about the possibility of someone hearing me. This felt way too fucking good to not yell and scream about it. Kellin obliged to my orders and pounded into me faster and harder, though I thought it was impossible. With every thrust he was hitting that one spot that was pushing me closer and closer to the edge with every push of his hips.

Suddenly, Kellin was flipping us over, awkwardly scooting up to the headboard so his back was resting against it, all without missing a beat. The new position allowed me more convenient access to his lips, which I took advantage of immediately. Our mouths were pressed together in a sloppy kiss, teeth crashing and tongues tangling as I moaned and Kellin continued panting and groaning in approval. I knew that when you ride someone, you're typically supposed to do the work, but with Kellin buried deep inside of me and continuously making me see stars, along with the feeling of my own dick gaining friction from being pressed in between mine and Kellin's stomach, the pleasure was overwhelming me and I couldn't have started bouncing up and down even if Kellin asked me to.

When his hips bucked up the hardest they had yet, I screamed out and almost completely lost it, burying my head into Kellin's neck as he continued fucking me with all he had. Just as I thought nothing could make it better, a hand was smacking down hard on my bottom, leaving me surprised at the action, but loving it and moaning for more. With every slap of his hand Kellin would move faster, getting me screaming until I almost couldn't handle all of the intense feelings I was having.

"K-Kellin, t-tou-ch me. P-please babe, I-I need it."

"Fuck, you're so hot, Vic." He murmured, wrapping his hand around me and pumping at an incredibly speed. With a few more thrust of his hips and flicks of his wrist, I was screaming out his name at the top of my lungs, climaxing and coming all over Kellin's chest as I threw my head back and ground my hips down. I'm not sure what I looked like as I reached my limit, but Kellin must've liked it, because only seconds after I'd spilled onto him he too was overcame by an orgasm, shooting inside of me and making me moan out loud at the feeling.

We both sat there for a few minutes, breathing heavily and occasionally twitching as we came down from our incredulous highs. Kellin began to shift a bit after a little while, but before I could let him pull out of me and lift me off of his member, I quickly leaned down to clean off the mess I had made on his chest. When I was finished lapping up every bit of my own come, my lips slowly travelled up Kellin's neck, jaw, cheek, and finally to his lips, allowing our mouths to mold and move together before I reluctantly moved from on top of him.

"Y-you… I-I, that was…. Amazing. I love you." I whispered, turning my head to look at him and offer him a small smile, though I could never really properly show how happy I was with him.

"You were incredible. That was honestly the best sex of my life, and I've slept around with a lot of different guys in my days. They don't compare to you at all though. You're perfect. I love you so much." He said, sliding down from his spot against the headboard so that he was lying next to me, closing his eyes and pursing his lips but not making a move to actually kiss me.

"You're so stupid, you know that?" I asked rhetorically, shaking my head and softly laughing before closing the gap and pressing our lips together, reaching my hand up to gently hook around his neck. I soon felt Kellin's own hand move down to my hip, tracing light circles over the scars there with his thumb as our lips moved in sync.

We hadn't even been kissing for more than five seconds before we were rudely interrupted. A loud banging sounded at the door, causing Kellin to groan into my mouth in annoyance. It was only a few seconds later that Kellin finally pulled away, sighing angrily and closing his eyes, as if willing the person to go away. A thought came to my mind though, something Kellin apparently didn't take into consideration, probably because he wasn't as paranoid as me. The sound coming from the door wasn't the usual somewhat delicate knocking that would usually come from Lucy. No, this was full on _pounding_ at the door, making me worry that the wood might split apart or come off of its hinges at any second. If that was Lucy, she definitely wanted in, and she was either mad or just really needed us out.

My suspicions that it wasn't Lucy were confirmed when the door actually did break, coming loose from all but the top hinge as whoever was behind it finally broke in. My head quickly snapped to the door, and I swear I stopped breathing right then and there. No. This isn't supposed to happen. Everything was going so well, I'd almost forgotten, I thought he would forget too…

"I heard you taking it up the ass from all the way outside, Victor. Huh, always knew you were a faggot."


	25. Chapter 25

I've always seen Kellin as a sort of quick, impulsive thinker. He'd usually act before fully working through his plan in his mind, which would sometimes lead to trouble. Now was one of those times. Kellin's bittersweet trait shone through just as his ears picked up Harvey's voice. In less than a split second, he was burning with pure hatred and fury, switched into full rage mode before he even had his pants on.

"And just who the fuck are you?" He asked coldly, shamelessly slipping off the bed to gather his clothes and dress in front of our guest. Luckily, the menacing man leaning on the doorframe didn't lunge out at Kellin as I suspected, but with the way his jaw tightened and his smug smirk faltered, I could tell he was very close to getting there.

"K-Kellin," I croaked. The fear and anxiety inside my chest were swelling and mixing together, nearly depriving me of my ability to move. I felt as if I were frozen in place, as if just the mere sight of the drunk in the doorway was enough to take over my entire body. As if snapping out of a trance though, I quickly looked away from Harvey's icy glare on my boyfriend and took hold of Kellin's wrist, pulling him closer to me in hopes that it would stop him from saying- or at least doing - anything stupid.

"Th-that's, um… m-my uncle." My voice was a strangled whisper, all of the sheer terror and horrible memories running through my mind causing my mouth to barely even form a word. After spending so much time with Kellin, I'd pretty much forgot about my abusive relative, and the life I had before Kellin came along. Or rather, I came along. Now that that old life was standing right in front of me though, looking at the boy I loved like he was a meal ready to eat, it seemed as though every bad feeling I had ever felt was returning to me. Waves of negative emotions were crashing through my mind, and that was enough to bring me to the verge of an anxiety attack; just a time-bomb counting down to a breakdown.

I'm not sure who Kellin expected, but I can definitely say that he didn't think the drunk standing at the front of our room was the man whom I'd expressed to be so cruel. Something that seemed like a sweep of realization crossed over his face, followed by a series of expressions; surprise, confusion, and the most familiar of all, white, hot anger. Kellin's eyes grew dark, his eyebrows furrowing together as his lip curled into a snarl. I knew all too well what was coming, and I quickly scrambled to my feet to retrieve my clothes and get to Kellin before he started trouble.

If only I could have been faster, though.

Harvey's fist was raised in the air as Kellin had him pressed against the wall with his arm pushing down on his throat. Everything seemed to move in slow motion as I darted across the room to try and pull Kellin away from the fight that was about to break out. Of course, I didn't get to him in time.

After a swing of Harvey's fist and a cringe-worthy crack sounding from Kellin's jaw, blood was dribbling down my lover's chin as my uncle admired his work. Before I knew it, the two were on the ground, rolling around and thrashing so quickly that it was extremely difficult to tell whose punches were whose.

When I finally remembered that I had to at least try and do something, I took action immediately, though there wasn't much I could do. "Stop!" I screamed, throwing myself into the wrestling match on the floor. Harvey barely even recognized me as I attempted to pry his hands away from Kellin. He harshly pushed me away, knocking me to the ground, going straight back to his task at hand like I was nothing but a pestering fly to swat away.

Soon after he noticed that I'd tried to step in, Kellin's attention turned to me. "Run." He said to me, looking straight into my eyes from his spot on the ground. He continued to struggle with Harvey once more, looking back at me again a few seconds later with confusion. "Vic, _go_. _Run._"

As much as I wanted to listen to what he said, to oblige to his order, I also didn't want to at the same time. I refused to just walk away and let Kellin get beat to a pulp by the man who was here because of me. I didn't run because I didn't want to. That, and the fact that my legs felt like jelly as they trembled, unwilling to listen to my brains commands that were telling them to move. So even if I wanted to do as Kellin told me, there was no way my body would allow me to leave the room. At least, not until I was calmed down. Watching my uncle's fists collide with Kellin's face over and over again actually made me sick to my stomach, and that same time bomb ticking away was what kept my feet planted firmly on the ground.

Just as I thought the fight couldn't go anywhere else, that the two were evenly matched and would just stay at it for hours, Lucy burst into the room, a scared yet determined look replacing her usual calm and composed expression. She looked as if she didn't know what to do, but judging by her dramatic entrance that also seemed a bit angry, she definitely had something planned out.

What she actually did wasn't what I was expecting though. Lucy's mouth opened, but what came out wasn't a yell of desperation as I had expected. Her voice was shaking, but her words were forceful enough to make her point.

"Harvey, stop." She said, so quietly that I was barely even sure if it was Lucy who was standing in front of me, and also if Harvey had heard her command. He must have though, caught and hung on to her words just barely through the grunts and grumbles of the mini battle taking place on the hardwood floor. Both Kellin and Harvey ceased the swift movements of their limbs in unison, confused gazes panning to Lucy as they both recognized who had interrupted them. In a matter of seconds, Harvey was harshly pushing Kellin off from on top of him, paying no attention to the bruised, discarded boy on the ground as he became completely focused on the abnormally timid woman in front of him.

"Oh, well look what we have here..." He muttered, his eyes disgustingly raking across the curves of her body. Before another moment was wasted, I rushed to Kellin's side in an instant, gently holding one of his hands in mine and carefully helping him to his feet. He looked sad as he stared at the ground for a second, before looking to me with the same expression, yet giving me a soft smile. Quickly, I gave his cheek a quick peck, smiling in the same way back at him, before tugging him over to where Lucy was still standing and shifting uncomfortably under Harvey's perverted gaze.

"Well if it isn't my favorite girl Lucille. It's been awhile, hasn't it sweetheart?" Harvey near grumbled as he began advancing towards Lucy, his eyes still grazing over every inch of Lucy as he most likely thought of what he could do to her. Just the thought alone of Lucy getting hurt, especially by Harvey, made me shudder, but the thought of it being _sexual_ abuse made me just want to burst into tears. Of course I'd known that he was into causing people harm, but I had no idea that he would go as far as something that was probably considered rape. Sure, I had no proof that he ever did, or would do such a thing, but all my life I've known him for hurting people, and with the way he was practically drooling over the woman standing in front of him, I had a feeling it wasn't something he would refrain from.

"Lucille…? What… why… How does he know you?" Kellin spoke up from next to me, his arm still linked in mine and his voice sounding better than I would've expected it to. Lucy finally tore her eyes away from the staring contest she was having with the floor, looking to Kellin with the same timid and weakened look on her face. A quiet sigh escaped from her lips as she shook her head and returned her gaze to the floor, closing her eyes as her eyebrows furrowed together and her eyes became screwed shut. The look on her face looked to be one that was pained, like she didn't want to say what she was about to tell Kellin.

"Kellin, you… y-you remember what I told you while Vic was at the doctor? Th-that, um… person I told you I-I was with, a long time ago?" She asked without looking up or opening her eyes. With the way Kellin tensed up next to me, I could tell he already knew what she was talking about. And although I was already pretty sure that whatever she had talked to Kellin about what I wasn't around wasn't something she had _purposely_ kept from me, I still felt sort of upset that I was kept out of the loop. If I hadn't already figured out that Harvey had beat on her too, I probably would've felt even more upset, and frustrated for not knowing what was going on.

"You son of a bitch." Kellin muttered. He roughly pulled away from me, and I placed a hand on his arm in an attempt to stop him from whatever he was about to do, but the attempt was useless. Just as soon as Kellin had calmed down, he was riled back up again, and had Harvey pinned up against the wall again.

"Just how many people have you fucking hit, huh?! Do you have a list of all the people you've abused?!" Kellin shouted, though the tone and harshness of his words didn't seem to have much of an effect on Harvey. My uncle just shrugged with a lopsided grin, rolling his half-lidded eyes as his shoulders shook with a chuckle.

"You think this is fucking funny?! Why are you even here?!" He yelled even louder, pressing his arm into Harvey's throat, though he didn't even flinch as his airway became slightly restricted. He only silently laughed again, shaking his head until his eyes flicked to me. He nodded in my direction, eyes darkening and grin widening as my mouth fell open in fear and shock. "I've came to get my nephew back. He's been a bad boy, running away. Like he thought I wouldn't find him." He half slurred, half grumbled. Now that I think about it, I'm almost completely sure he was drunk even then. Maybe not in his usual totally wasted state, but intoxicated nonetheless.

"If you think you're taking him from me then you've got another thing coming." Kellin growled, digging his arm even further into Harvey's neck. "What are you gonna do, kill me?" The drunk responded, rolling his eyes once more.

"If that's what it takes, then yeah, I'd have no problem making sure you never lived another day."

"What good would that do then, huh? You'd be a murder. You'd be just like me, son."

"I don't fucking care. You killed someone innocent, your own god damn wife. You had no fucking reason to take her off of this planet. You, on the other hand, you're not so good and innocent. You fucking deserve to die, and I would be more than happy to be the one who takes your life." Kellin wasn't yelling anymore, but the way he spoke his words so coolly and in such a low tone, I think he sounded even scarier than when he was shouting.

Harvey chuckled, left unaffected by Kellin's words. "Listen kid, I think we both know you wouldn't be able to bring me down, and I wouldn't go down without a fight anyway. How about you just do as I say and back the fuck off. I'll just take the boy and be on my way; you'll never have to see us again."

"That's the fucking point! I'm not letting you take him away from me!" Kellin began screaming again, but the drunk just snickered again. "I was trying to be nice here…" was all he said before all the tables turned. In the blink of an eye, Kellin was knocked to the ground and my uncle was storming towards me. Pain shot through me as he delivered a blow to my gut, but he twisted a fist in my hair and yanked me up before I could collapse to the ground. "You're so gonna get it when we get home." He muttered close to my ear, making me cringe in disgust at the sharp scent of alcohol that travelled to my nose.

I didn't even bother putting up a fight as he dragged me to the door; I knew it was all over. Kellin was out cold, and had no idea where Harvey lived, so there was little to no chance of him coming for me, let alone finding me, when he did regain consciousness. My eyes began to burn, as if I was ready to cry, but no tears ran down my face. This wasn't something to cry over, and I knew it. It was just going back to the life I had before- the one without Kellin.

We were halfway through the rec room when Harvey stopped. At first, I didn't realize why he'd halted so abruptly, but when I came out of my daze, I heard that voice I'd grown so familiar with over the past few months.

"S-stop, please, y-you can't do this." Lucy choked from the hallway, staring straight into Harvey's eyes, though I knew she was beyond terrified to even glance in his direction. My uncle chuckled as he gripped tighter on my hair, causing me to wince as he pulled roughly on my scalp. "You're so naïve, Lucille." He muttered, shaking his head. "You see, I _can_ and I _will_ do this, I'll take him away to a place where you and that other little faggot will never find him. Sweetheart, there's nothing you can do now. You can't stop me from taking what's rightfully mine."

"But you _abuse_ him!" She sobbed in response, nearly crumpling to the floor with just the one sentence. "You hit him and beat him and _torture _him, but he's just a kid! He's never done anything wrong! He doesn't have any parents; he's only had the smallest glimpse at what a normal life is like! Please don't do this to him, I'm _begging_ you." I was a bit shocked that she was fighting for me like this, that she was so intent on keeping me safe. After I ran through everything in my head though, it all made sense. She really loved her job, and would do literally _anything_ to keep all the parentless kids at the orphanage safe. Her whole speech still surprised me though- I'd never seen her so hysterical.

"Just fucking stop. I'm taking him, and you can't stop me."

"What if you take me instead?"

My heart felt as though it had dropped straight to my stomach. No. No, there was no way in hell I'd let her go back to staying with him in exchange for my safety. This was my problem, not hers. I deserved all he did to me, while she did nothing but good for everyone. I'd leave Kellin before I let anyone sacrifice themselves for someone as worthless as me.

When Harvey didn't say anything, just narrowed his eyes at her, Lucy continued. "Y-you can take me instead, it'll be just like it was after high school. I-I'll do whatever you say; I won't talk back o-or anything. I swear it. Just please let him go- he has his whole life ahead of him." It was kind of difficult to understand her at this point, but somehow her words managed to sound semi coherent through her sobs and pleas.

"You've always been a smart girl." Harvey grinned, releasing my hair and literally throwing me to the ground. Lucy timidly walked forward, only crying even harder as he licked his lips and smiled sinisterly. He roughly grabbed her by the waist, his fingers visibly digging into her side as he escorted her to the door. There were making their way out too quickly. I was afraid I wouldn't make it to them in time.

I picked myself up off the ground, using whatever strength I had to stumble my way towards the two making their way towards the exit. With all I had in me, I began screaming and shouting for Harvey to stop as I ran towards them, pounding away at his chest when I reached them. With just a couple throws of his fist though, I was knocked to the ground again, completely useless in the situation. It felt hard to breathe, and I felt as though my legs couldn't even move, let alone support me to stand. Still though, I was so against Lucy letting herself get taken away by that bastard just for me, I refused to just lay in self pity on the ground.

Despite the pain coursing through me, I ignored my body's please for me to stop moving and bolted for the door. Rushing outside, I looked around to search the parking lot for either of the two. There were tears blurring my vision, but I whipped my head left and right nonetheless. I heard tires screeching, and flew towards entrance near the street. I was no match for a speeding truck though. The car was out of view before I could even scream again, though no one would've come to help me anyway. I dropped to my knees, pulling at my hair in utter frustration and hatred for myself. She was gone. Lucy was gone, and it was all my fault.


	26. Chapter 26

My wakeup call was the sound of someone crying. When I first opened my eyes, I groaned at the pain that seemed to be flowing all throughout my body, almost forgetting about the sounds of someone bawling only a little ways away. As my head cleared a bit though, the awful sobbing sounds became louder, and my discomfort suddenly became my last priority as I realized who exactly was crying.

"Vic?" I said quietly, though it was more of a question to myself rather than a call to see if it was in fact him penned up and weeping away. The pitiful sounds didn't stop, and my mind registered that sadly familiar sound within a split second. Vic, _my_ Vic, was upset, and he needed me. A bleeding lip, cracked jaw and possible concussion meant nothing to me; not if the person I loved wasn't okay.

"Vic?" I said again, louder this time though. I shook my head lightly, cursing under my breath when the wound on my head hurt worse with even such a simple action. If he was feeling terrible enough to sob his feelings out like that, what made me think he could find the words, or even the strength, to respond to me- let alone hear me over the sound of his pain?

Without a second thought I was on my feet and hastily moving towards the sound that was breaking my heart. When I found out where it was coming from though, I got even more worried, though I didn't think it was possible. My hand extended to grip the handle of the bathroom door, but of fucking course, it was locked. I did my best to calm myself down and try not to panic, but a crying Vic in a locked bathroom all by himself made me start to get really worried.

"Vic." I said, desperately pulling on the door though I knew it wouldn't do any good. I'm not sure if he heard me or not, but his sobs didn't stop. Maybe I was just imagining things, but it seemed as though they'd gotten even louder. "Vic, open the door." My voice was shaking so much that I could barely understand myself. I had to at least try and talk to him though. The door was locked, and there wasn't really much I could do but try and coax him out of with the sound of my voice.

"Vic, please, o-open the door. It's me baby, Kellin, I'm here, you're okay. I-I… I need to make sure you're alright."

Vic didn't respond with words, only kept at his cries as if I wasn't even there.

"Vic, babe come on, let me in." I tried to put a small laugh or two into my words, to try and convince myself that he was okay, there was nothing wrong, and it was all just some sick joke he was playing on me. My attempt to calm myself down didn't work though, my voice cracking throughout the whole sentence. If didn't get into the bathroom in a matter of seconds, I was going to panic and break down and scream. I wasn't feeling any humor towards to situation at all- only pure terror.

"Just… fuck, Vic, I know you can hear me! You're okay, you're gonna be fine, but you have to let me in!" By now, the only person I was trying to persuade that Vic was okay was myself. For all I knew, he could be having a panic attack in there, alone. Or even worse, he could be hurt. It was those thoughts that made me make my next move. I was fucking terrified, and a shabby little door was _not_ going to stop me from getting to my Vic. Not here, not now.

"I- Fuck you! Let me in! Vic, I-I love you, please! You… open the god damn door!"

My ear was pressed up against the door, and suddenly, Vic's sobs suddenly began to fade away, getting quieter and quieter before they stopped completely. That was when I lost it. Before I even realized what I was doing, there was a sharp, yet somehow barely noticeable pain in my left shoulder, a jolting sound of splintering wood, and the loud crash of the old bathroom door falling to the ground. Everything was in a haze, and I could barely believe what I'd just done, but as I took in the sight before me, dwelling on the thought of breaking down a door with only my body wasn't my main priority.

Words completely escaped me as I viewed Vic's lifeless body on the floor, but I doubt I would've been able to say anything good. It most likely would have just been more cursing, screamed at the top of my lungs in utter frustration and heartbreak and… whatever else was in the whirlwind of emotions running through my mind.

Vic, my beautiful, flawless Vic, was the palest I'd ever seen him as he lay completely limp on the frigid tile. There was a puddle, an actual _puddle_ of blood surrounding him, soaking into his jeans and staining his shirt. There were a number of cuts on his wrists, all deep and endlessly leaking blood. They only led halfway up his wrists though, and seemed to be the only ones he had made while in the bathroom.

My heart felt as though it'd stopped when I saw the bottle of pills lying next to his cold hand. Or rather, what was a bottle _meant _for pills- Vic's prescription pills, the ones that were supposed to be preventing him from doing something like this. The bottle was empty though, its contents nowhere to be seen. As everything finally settled in, my brain processing what my perfect little angel had done to himself, that's when everything hit home; hard.

Tears were blurring my vision almost completely, and it's a miracle that I somehow stumbled my way over to where Vic was lying without falling, let alone tripping over top of him. My knees actually made an awful knocking sound as they hit the ground, but I barely even heard it over the ringing in my ears, and the deafening thoughts in my head, scolding me and telling me I'd done wrong.

This is all your fault.

Vic hurt himself again, and it's because of you.

Your job was to protect him.

You didn't do what you were supposed to do.

He's bleeding and unconscious on the floor, and you're the cause.

Vic's about to die, and it's _all your fault._

I felt like screaming, out of anger for myself, but also out of anger for Vic. How could he do this to me? Why would he… My emotions backed down just a tad, giving my me more room in my mind to think properly.

He… he wouldn't do something like this to hurt me. He loved me, he said so himself more times than I can count. Something must've gone wrong when I was down… when Harvey caused me to black out from just the swing of his fist. It wasn't entirely my fault that Vic's uncle seemed to be some sort of trained assassin, or at least someone with professional fighting skills. I was just a kid, only seventeen years old. Facing an old-ass man with meaty hands of steel, and expecting to stay conscious and win the fight, was asking too much of myself. Sure, maybe I could have done better, but beating myself up over something that was already over and done with wasn't going to help anybody, and most certainly not Vic.

As I started piecing my thoughts together, I almost wanted to applaud myself for actually thinking rationally and not letting my anger control me. I guess having Vic passed out in front of me didn't leave any room in my brain for me to be a fuck up. After a whole precious minute was wasted, something clicked in my mind, and I swear there could've been a chorus of hallelujahs sounding from the sky because fuck, I was so happy that I remembered.

I have no clue where I'd even heard it, or how I even _recalled_ hearing it, but somehow I remembered someone telling me how to induce vomiting upon someone. Whoever they were, they'd made sure to let me know that it was for emergencies only, but if this wasn't the world's biggest fucking emergency ever, I didn't know what was.

Quickly, I heaved my lifeless boyfriend up from his sprawled out position on the ground, half dragging and half carrying him into the nearest stall and letting his head rest on the toilet seat. Yeah, it was fucking gross, but I had no choice. Carefully, I placed my hand near the back of his neck, and began pressing around in hopes of triggering something in the back of his throat. Before I knew it, bile was rising up and out of Vic's stomach and into the toilet underneath him.

He began coughing and spluttering, his eyes still closed, but breathing and moving nonetheless. I can't even explain how happy I was too see him okay and alive, but before I could kiss him and crush him in my arms, the tears in my eyes really broke free, and I was screaming at a boy who had been unconscious only a few seconds ago.

I began to weakly slap and hit at his chest, barely even making any sense through my sobs. "You fucking idiot! How could you do that to me!? Why would you… fuck you! I hate you! I fucking hate you! You can't fucking scare me like that! How would dying fix anything!? You're… you're so fucking stupid! Oh my god…" My voice trailed off as I twisted Vic's tee shirt into my hands, burying my head into his chest and crying my heart out. Of course, I didn't really hate him, but I was beyond worked up that he'd tried to kill himself. He doesn't understand how much he really means to me. There's literally no way I'd be able to make it without him.

When only small hiccups were coming out of my mouth, I finally lifted my head to get a good look at the boy I was crying on. His mouth opened, and whatever he was going to say probably would've been really heartfelt and important, but words could wait for later. I darted my head forward and crushed our mouths together, so forcefully that I actually heard Vic's head bang against the wall of the stall behind him. He must not have cared about that though, because a second later he was kissing back without missing a beat. I felt tears running down my cheeks, but at this point, I wasn't really sure if they were mine or his. All I cared about was him. He was okay; he was going to be fine. If he hadn't have made it though… I probably would've gotten my own bottle of pills to down without a second thought.

"I seriously fucking hate you." Was the first thing I said as we pulled apart, causing both of us to let out light, breathy laughs. Vic looked up at me, an apologetic smile on his face. I smiled back, but if he thought he was going to get out of talking, he was definitely fucking wrong. My mouth opened to begin my lecture, but just as I had done to him, Vic jerked forward and cut me off with his lips. As much as I would've liked to just lazily makeout with him in the bathroom, scolding him was more important. I lightly pushed him back, giving him a knowing look and brushing the hair out of his eyes.

"I'm sorry." He said, hanging his head low to stare into his lap. A tear or two fell from his face and onto his wrists as he was scanning them over, but I quickly pulled his face back up so he could meet my eyes. "You know I love you, right?" I asked, but he didn't respond, only pulled away from my touch and dropped his head back down to look at his finger as it traced over his fresh cuts.

"Vic-," I started, but suddenly he spoke and cut me off, his voice shaky and weak.

"H-Harvey tried to take me, b-but Lucy said to take her instead, a-and I tried to go after him but h-he hit me, and I-I couldn't catch up with him. He wouldn't have even c-come here if it hadn't been for me, and now Lucy's gone be-because of me. I know how you and her had been g-getting along lately, a-and I knew that since she'd been taken away, and that it was my fault… Th-that you would hate me."

My heart was literally aching, an actual pain in my chest as he sort of gave me a run through of what had happened while I was out cold. What made me the most upset though, was that he thought that I would hate him, especially for something he couldn't control. Just as I was about to tell him much I fucking loved him, I heard quiet sniffles, which somehow almost immediately turned into choked back sobs. I glanced down to where Vic was so focused on, only to see trickles of blood flowing across his skin as he dug his fingers into the wounds that had previously stopped bleeding.

"Vic, stop…" I said quietly, wrapping a hand around his own to try and pull it away from his other arm. He harshly tugged away though, trying desperately to sink his nails back into his open flesh. "Stop." I repeated, more forcefully this time, grabbing both of his hands in mine and squeezing them tightly. After barely any struggle to get free, he seemed to stop, letting me know he was okay and wouldn't continue messing with his cuts. I didn't let him go though, for his sake, and for my own.

"You should have let me die."

"Don't even fucking say that, Vic…"

"You should have let me die." He repeated coldly, ignoring what I'd told him.

"As long as I have something to do with it, you're not fucking going anywhere."

"I should be dead right now."

"Vic-,"

"I don't deserve to be alive."

"Shut the fuck up, Vic! I swear to god, you're such an idiot sometimes!"

"It's true Kellin! Lucy's just another person that's in trouble because of me. I shouldn't even be breathing right now! Why the fuck did you save me?!"

"Because I'm fucking in love with you! Because I would've killed myself too if I didn't! I can't live without you Vic, how many times do I have to say that!?" I quickly let go of his hands, only to bring my own to his face, cupping his cheeks. I pulled him in for long, hard kiss, resting my forehead against his after I pulled away.

"You're so perfect Vic, there's no way that I _couldn't_ love you."

He laughed weakly and shook his head, causing more tears to fall from already overworked eyes. I placed a hand under his chin, gently tilting his head up so I could look at him properly. "Are you okay?" He nodded, sniffling softly and gingerly wiping at the tears that ran down his face. "Then why are you still crying?" He actually giggled at that, using the back of his hand to brush away more tears, though they weren't stopping.

"Because I love you too, stupid."

The heart ache I'd felt before was completely gone, and replaced with a fluttery feeling in my chest and stomach and, well… everywhere. Every time I heard him tell me that, I felt like some little kid with their first crush, and that feeling they get when they look at them in the hallway. It was really fucking cliché, but that's really the best way to describe it. I just loved him so much, I don't think I'll ever be able to properly prove it to him. We kiss, we cuddle, we smile at each other for no apparent reason, and do… other things, but somehow I feel like all of that isn't enough. Of course, there aren't many words to explain the way I feel about him, either. It's just… indescribable. Let's just say that as long as he's by my side, I'll be okay.

I just held him in my arms, lightly running a hand through his hair and staring at him as he calmed down, though he only looked back up at me every once and a while, blushing and looking away again every time he did. Maybe I kept him close to me just a little longer than needed, waiting a near ten minutes after he'd stopped crying to finally let go. After almost losing him though, it was like I needed to hold onto him at all times now, as though not to lose him.

"I really love you." I told him quietly, running the pad of my thumb across his cheekbone and offering him a soft smile and a peck on the lips.

"I really love you, too." He replied, and I got that fucking stupid but entirely loveable feeling all over again.

"Good." I said, kissing him again quickly. "Now, let's go get Lucy back."


	27. Chapter 27

"Are you sure you weren't some sort of carjacker before you came here?" Kellin asked in disbelief as Maria's car roared to life.

"Yes, I'm sure Kellin." I chuckled. "Mike taught me how to do it when we lived on the streets, even though I told him I'd never have any use for it." I explained. It was true, too. How my baby brother knew how to hotwire cars was beyond me, and though I thought I'd never use the skill, the running motor of the car beside me seemed to prove otherwise.

Kellin only shook his head at the sound of my brother's name, still having some sort of hatred for a guy he'd never met. I understood that, by what I'd told him, Mike probably came off as sort of a bad person. All of the drugs and parties and everyday hook ups weren't really things some star student kid was involved with. But sometimes it just sort of pissed me off that he judged him and saw him as this terrible criminal or something, when he'd never even seen him. Mike was my brother and I loved him, no matter what. I just wished Kellin would show a little respect to that.

"Whatever." He mumbled, suddenly becoming the slightest bit grumpy as he huffily slid into the passenger seat of the car. Honestly, his attitude lately was really starting to piss me off. I mean, usually I'd pass all of this bitchiness as Kellin being his usual self, but with the current circumstances, his stupid mood swings were not something I wanted to deal with.

"Okay, I get that you're upset or whatever about everything that's happening, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that Harvey took Lucy, I'm sorry that I couldn't stop him, and I'm sorry that I attempted suicide because I fucking hate myself. But, now's really not the time to be acting like a little kid about this, Kellin. All of this is just as hard for me as it is for you, but it'll all go a lot more smoothly if you just calm the fuck down and stop being so pissy."

Kellin looked at me with wide, surprised eyes, but didn't retaliate with some smart-ass answer like I expected him too. I rolled my eyes, though I'm not sure what at, as I shifted the car into drive and pulled away from the orphanage. My hands were shaky as they gripped the steering wheel, and I'd already lost count of the number of times I'd glanced in the rear view mirror. I just couldn't help being scared out of my wits to drive. Sure, I had a fair idea of what I was doing, and there were only a few parts of the car that I didn't know how to use. I'd never actually had proper lessons to do this sort of thing though. All of the extra anxiety flowing through me wasn't really helping anything either, and fuck, if I did end up crashing the car and hurting Kellin, I wouldn't screw up with killing myself again.

It's not like I really had a choice to drive or not, though. Kellin and I almost immediately decided that the best thing to do would be to get help from Zoella, Lucy's sister. She seemed to be the best choice for the job, because all of the other caretakers treated us way too much like children, and her own sibling needed to know the most out of everyone. Zoella's work place, though, was just over two hours away, and that was _with_ a car. Driving was our only option. And yeah, scared was an understatement to how I felt about controlling a vehicle all by myself, but there was no way I'd let Kellin do it. I trusted him, of course, but with how angry he seemed to be, he'd probably end up ramming the front end into a tree because some other careless driver had pushed him over the edge. The last thing we needed was another obstacle in our path, let alone a trip to the hospital.

"Do you like rollercoasters?" Kellin suddenly asked, and the car had been so quiet, the sound of his voice made me jump and press my foot down just the slightest bit more on the accelerator. Once I'd eased the car's speed back to the normal limit again, I glanced at Kellin with a look of confusion, an eyebrow raised in question. "The hell is that supposed to mean." I asked bitterly, a cold tone of voice lacing my words. Yeah, maybe he didn't seem as bitchy anymore, but that didn't mean I wasn't still mad with him. By complaining and griping to me, and by just being an asshole, Kellin was adding that much more stress to me that I could really do without, especially in the situation we were in. He needed to realize that sometimes he seriously needed to tone things down a bit, and that I wasn't always going to just brush off and accept his behavior.

"I mean like… Do you like to ride them? I don't know, some people are too scared of them or whatever, and haven't even been on one before."

The last thing I was in the mood for was playing twenty questions with Kellin, but I knew that he probably wouldn't stop until I just gave in, and even if I did manage to get away from his nagging, I didn't want to just sit there in the car with him for another two hours knowing that he wasn't happy.

"Yeah, I guess." I mumbled, reluctantly answering his question, though I still had no idea why he was asking me in the first place. Glancing over at him for a second, which seemed to be okay since we were on a long highway, all I could do was roll my eyes at the sight of my stupid boyfriend. He was so fucking cute, and with that small little smile he had on and the way he was sitting criss cross in the car seat, my bad mood was softening and slowly melting away. I hated that he had that effect on me sometimes, though, that he could just give me one look and get his way without even trying. It made moments like these, when I was trying to give him the cold shoulder, really difficult for me to keep up with.

A few minutes passed and Kellin was still silent. I wasn't sure if he was thinking of what to say next, or if he was just done messing with me, but whichever it was, it only made me roll my eyes again. If he wanted to be weird this whole car trip, that was perfectly fine with me. As long as he didn't attempt to try some shit while I was driving.

"You're that feeling." Kellin said aloud, as though it was a realization he was stating to himself.

My gaze flickered to him, still wary of the road as I caught that soft little smirk he was showing off. The way he was keeping the conversation drawn out and choppy was sort of irritating me, but I figured it would be best not to question it and just play along, seeing as he had pretty much already completely won me back over.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." I admitted, though I'm sure he already knew that what with how confusion, and a hint of curiosity, was plain on my features.

"You know, when you're on a rollercoaster, like a really big one with a drop that goes just straight fucking down, and you're at the top, and suddenly you just go over the edge, and you feel like you're falling?" He rambled on excitedly, waving his hands around and bouncing in his seat as if he were excited for an actual rollercoaster ride.

Shaking my head and barely keeping in my giggle, I looked over to him again to see he was staring right back at me. "Okay, what does that have to do with anything?" I question, because really, this whole topic was sort of random, and if this was his attempt at an apology or a plan to make me feel better, he definitely needed to try harder.

"That _feeling_; when you're going over the hill and your stomach does that weird thing where it's like its kinda moving up in your body or something? Like, it's falling with you as you're going down, and it just feels fluttery and jittery and crazy and weird, and you kind of love it and hate it at the same time?" He didn't wait for my response before continuing.

"You're that feeling, Vic. That's how you make me feel."

His words made my face heat up, and I tried my best to hide my blazing cheeks from his line of vision before he began teasing me about my probably very evident blush. It was inevitable, though. Whenever Kellin used some cute pet name or randomly listed all of the things he liked about me or said some other sickeningly sweet thing like he just did, that same dropping feeling he was describing filled my gut as well as a deep heat rose to my cheeks. I didn't deserve the way he treated me, but knowing that I had him, I wouldn't have it any other way, and there was no way I was letting him go.

"You're fucking dumb." I laughed nervously, gripping the wheel tighter as the blood seemed to rush faster to my face in a blush.

Kellin seemed to ignore my last comment, probably knowing right well that I'd only said it because I didn't know how else to respond. That rollercoaster feeling wasn't something many experienced often, and knowing that he used something so unique to describe the way I apparently made him feel just left me at a loss for words.

One of my hands was pulled away from the wheel by Kellin's, and though I didn't like only having one hand to control the entire car, I allowed our fingers to intertwine anyway, knowing it would only crush him if I pulled away. "I'm sorry"." He mumbled against my hand as he brought it to his mouth, gently kissing the back of it after apologizing. Still not sure of what to say, I just shrugged, not trusting my voice to even mutter something as short and simple as "okay".

"Fuck, you know I never mean to make you upset or anything, and it fucking sucks that I'm always left here to apologize because I screw up all the time. But I really mean it, alright? I'm sorry I'm a douche almost all of the time, but just…" He sighed, squeezing my hand tighter in his before resting both in his lap. "I love you." He finished.

My soft laughter seemed to surprise him a bit, squeezing my hand again as he questioned what was so funny. "You're seriously fucking dumb." I replied, only giggling a little more as he dropped my hand and frowned, jokingly turning away from me to face and pout at the window.

I rolled my eyes and took his hand again, kissing it just as he had done to me.

"I love you too," holding his hand tighter and smiling at him. "Douche."


End file.
